Constance (the First)

Guest Constance #29

2012-01-13T06:06:00.001-05:00

[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]

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Hi, I feel kind of dumb typing this out but I need to talk to somebody and out of respect for my husband and his feelings I can't tell my normal support people. I'm not even sure where to start so forgive me for this being disjointed. I have an incredibly complicated situation with my inlaws.

Some background: they are lovely people and I genuinely love and care for them BUT they drive me a bit crazy. They some act in a less than socially appropriate way and want to be as close as possible to me and my family. Before my husband was born they had a stillborn daughter, followed by my husband (who is healthy), followed by 10 miscarriages. They then adopted my brother-in-law who has had mental health and behavioural problems from the get go. I don't think they'd ever really dealt with the death of their daughter. Back in those days it was sort of ignored you know? So when we got married I was embraced as the daughter they'd never had and frankly I felt smothered by their desire to know everything and be a part of everything in my life. I'm a private person and feel uncomfortable about questions about my sex life (why in the world you want to know what your son and I do in private??!!) or other personal stuff from my husband's parents. Anyway, the smothering got worse with the birth of my daughters. I totally understand how precious it is for them to have grandaughters, particularly after the pain they've experienced so we tried to be really understanding and although there have been issues over the years with boundaries being crossed we've worked hard on getting along and my girls have a good relationship with them (I'm super careful not to say negative things about them).

Anyway, fast forward to a few months ago. My FIL came over and since we had some errands to run, he offered to look after the girls. No big deal, thats happened plenty of times before without any drama. This time though, I received a phone call from my oldest daughter who was very upset and wanting us to come home asap. We did and she was settled, everything seemed normal but after my FIL had gone and I asked more about it she said she had felt really uncomfortable around him and didn't want us to leave them with him again. I felt sick. She assured me several times (and has when we've discussed it since) that he didn't say or do anything wrong, didn't touch her or anything like that, just that she felt really uncomfortable. She is very open with me and I am confident she is not lying to me about it. In thinking back I wonder if it was a culmination of my inlaws' more "natural" approach to things eg. they had a naked photo of themselves kissing on their fridge for a while (just like a polaroid, not an artsy one) and on one occasion my toddler had gone into the toilet with him and he didn't send her out (I called her to come out and was cranky about that). I wonder if it was something like that that just didn't gel? I genuinely don't believe that he would molest a child. One of the things I really respect about my inlaws is that they supported a childhood friend of my husband who had been molested by their minister and went to court to testify about what she had said, despite enormous community and family pressure not to. They lost "friends" through that process but did the right thing. All that to say that I really don't think he has done anything to my daughter HOWEVER obviously I will never leave her in a situation where she isn't comfortable so my inlaws won't be babysitting from this point on. That is really awkward though because they have done before. My husband and I have talked and talked about it and just can't find a good way forward. My inlaws want as much contact with our kids as possible and now want sleepovers too. We won't let that happen but how can we possibly explain it? They would be SO hurt and I think their good relationship with our eldest daughter would be very damaged. It would be impossible to explain in a way that doesn't hurt their feelings and honestly there is NOTHING they could do that would make it ok to look after the kids again. My FIL will forever have this question mark lingering about why my daughter was upset and uncomfortable with him. My MIL has MS and can't cope with them on her own. Its just a nightmare. My husband is so sad that we're in this situation. He loves his parents and wants them to be happy but what they want isn't a possibility. My littlest daughter is only 2 so I see years and years ahead of conflict about access to our girls. Its meant that we never leave the kids at the moment because if they hear that we've used other babysitters they'll be even more hurt, no more dates or possible weekends away. I don't see a good way forward. *sigh*, I don't actually know if I even want this published but I just needed to get it out. I don't want to go on and on to my husband because its so hard for him but it bothers me everyday and I just want to bounce it off of somebody, you know? Anyway, if you've read this far, thank you for your time. What would you do? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Or am I not reacting enough? I'm going nuts just thinking this out in my own head!

How to Prevent Crying

2011-08-09T15:13:00.005-04:00

My daughter is having surgery next week. It's minor, routine, and expected to go well. My biggest stress right now (second only to horrible irrational imaginings where the doctor comes out of surgery saying "I'm so sorry") is probably the CRYING aspect. I cry SO EASILY. On the phone with the nurse, just getting the schedule and instructions, I was SECRETLY CRYING.

And it's not crying like "I feel like crying and have genuine reason to do so, but would rather not do it in front of someone else," it's spontaneous irritating embarrassing inappropriate crying---like blushing. Really, almost exactly like blushing. It usually happens in response to DRAMA. Like, I don't have to be personally emotionally involved in the drama: just the EXISTENCE OF a dramatic moment will get me crying. And this surgery will have one million dramatic moments that DO personally emotionally involve me, so it will be 100 times worse: the child-sized hospital johnny, the wheeling into surgery, seeing her go unconscious.

But I can't be WEEPING as she goes into surgery! I need to be calm and reassuring, communicating with my entire being that Everything Is Normal And Fine. And although I AM stressed, of course, the constant crying (with accompanying Inability to Speak Normally) will communicate to the doctors that I am nearly hysterical with stress (or, worse, someone who thrives on drama and is creating a fuss ON PURPOSE). And then they will be Kind and Reassuring (or Annoyed and Brusque), and that will make me cry MORE. I so wish I had not thrown out my leftover pills from previous attempts at psychiatric treatment, because I would TOTALLY TAKE THEM FOR THIS. I remember that was the best part of any medication I tried: I didn't cry at the drop of a hat anymore (I saved the tears for TRULY TOUCHING things, such as commercials).

I do still have Xanax and Ativan and Klonopin. I'm wondering if anyone knows if any of those are good for preventing stress-crying---and if so, if one is better than the others. I tried to research it and got one million articles on how it's better to cry instead of keeping emotions inside. THANKS FOR THE ADVICE, BUT I AM NOT ASKING THAT QUESTION. I don't mind being somewhat tranquilized as well (since that's kind of unavoidable with TRANQUILIZERS), but what I'm looking for is not tranquilization (and in fact, less of that would be better: I still need to be, like, AWAKE) so much as a deadening of the Cry Reflex---so if you know of any OTHER medications that are good for this, DO speak up.

I am also looking for non-medication suggestions, although after decades of being a blush-reflex-type crier, I don't have much FAITH in them. Still, I was surprised to read the "jutting out the jaw" idea and find it DID help. "Taking a sip of water" helps too.

Misery

2011-02-17T10:20:00.002-05:00

Every morning, the other mom at the bus stop and I talk about our weight and what to do about it. This has been going on for years now. Several times we've had temporary success, which makes it worse: how can we have success, and feel so encouraged by our success, and then still fail again? We've tried different approaches, different attitudes, different plans---nothing works for long, including "trying something new every time the old way stops working."

This morning, though, we've had a fresh insight. The price of losing weight, for us, is misery. And we are already miserable with our constant failure and constant weights. So perhaps instead of being miserable about our weight and about our failures, we can commit to the misery of weight loss. We will be miserable either way, but one of those ways results in smaller clothes.

We'll see. It is very hard to believe or hope, when experience shows such a consistent lack of reason to do so. It's easy to say "Keep trying! Don't give up!"---but goodness, that certainly sounds foolish when it's been decades.

Superstition

2011-02-13T18:07:00.002-05:00

One of the things that drives me most nuts about my religious mom is that she refers to people who follow other religions as "superstitious." Her religion = true. All other religions = superstitions. Raising your eyes skyward to thank "the one true Christian God" = true/normal. Raising your eyes skyward to thank another god (even if it claims to be the same God as the Christian God), or to thank "the Universe" = superstitious/crazy. I once told her that to me they all looked the same, superstition-wise, and she was appalled. APPALLED.

Re-Postponement

2011-02-11T18:09:00.004-05:00

Remember how Mike's pre-Snip appointment was postponed three times (postponing his Snip appointment each time), and then when he finally had THAT appointment, his Snip appointment was postponed because the doctor's mother-in-law died the day before?

This morning was the morning the Snip was postponed to. It was for 10:00, so he'd need to leave our house at 9:00. He took the day off of work. He shaved. Last night I thought, "So. Tomorrow is the day." I drank gin.

We woke up in the morning, and I thought, "So. Today is the day." Mike got into the shower. At 7:30, while he was in the shower, the phone rang: it was the urologist's office, canceling the appointment. The urologist hasn't taken a sick day in the entire ten years he's worked for this office, but this morning he was too sick to get out of bed.

No Pity

2011-02-07T10:03:00.001-05:00

This Friday is The Snip. Mike said to me, without context, "So. I need to...shave."

Me: *questioning look*

Mike: *significant downward glance* *significant downward glance* *high eyebrows* SHAVE. *significant downward glance*

Me: *sustained laughter*

Mike: SO ANYWAY. I was thinking you might know how to...?

So I told him that I personally had much less information about "how to shave Boy Areas" than he did. But that if I were a boy, I thought I might prefer an application of Nair over blindly swiping around with sharp metal. I made vivid swiping motions to demonstrate my point. He winced.

He asked in re Nair, "Does it...sting?" I refrained from making comparisons to any sufferings brought about by hormonal birth control, shot-based birth control, annual Feminine Exams, pregnancy, and childbirth. Instead I speculated aloud about the difference in pain levels between, say, a slight stinging sensation and, say, the sensation of misplaced sharp metal.

This weekend I bought him a container of Nair, which is pink and features a pair of girl legs.

I don't feel even one tiny bit sorry for him.

Progress is Slow and Painful

2011-02-06T19:41:00.002-05:00

I am happy to report that my parents (because it turned out that my father was also involved) were unable to use their influence to thwart the adoption of a child by a same-sex couple. And also I would like to say that I had to take an actual, literal tranquilizer (as opposed to a jokey "I need a valium!" kind of tranquilizer) to deal with the fall-out, which involved words such as "agenda," "politically-correct," "sabotage," "subterfuge," "lies," and "knew it all along."

And the thing that bothers me most, I think, is that my parents are good, intelligent people. They're not crazy pineholes, despite acting as such on this one subject. And EVEN THEY have been making gradual progress: for example, after a couple of days of both of them talking krazy talk (including referring to a legally-married couple as a "couple," with air quotes), my dad told my mom that she needed to stop calling the child's new parents "the lesbians." And when she asked what she was SUPPOSED to call them, he said, "How about Lindsay and Sarah?" And to HER credit, when she told me this story she laughed uproariously at herself.

Postponements

2011-01-27T14:57:00.004-05:00

Mike has had his snip appointment postponed (by the snip office) FOUR TIMES, I am not EVEN kidding.

Well, okay, I'm not KIDDING but I AM misleading/exaggerating: three of those postponements were of the pre-snip appointment, and the actual snip appointment has only been postponed once (so far). But since each postponement of the pre-snip appointment also caused a postponement of the snip appointment, I'm going with what makes the better story.

Furthermore, the snip appointment was for tomorrow, and the doctor's MOTHER-IN-LAW DIED YESTERDAY so it had to be rescheduled.

If we were religious, I'd be starting to look at Mike Very Meaningfully.

Knives

2011-01-20T21:37:00.004-05:00

I wrote a post recently about how when we try to put ourselves down (like to excuse our messy house), we sometimes inadvertently put other people down. I was thinking of my mom, making a big deal out of saying to my sister-in-law that she (my mom) NEVER cleans---thinking it will put my sister-in-law at ease. But since my mom's house is spotless, it has the opposite effect: it sends the message "I consider my spotless house a TOTAL PIT that is the result of ZERO EFFORT, so please imagine what I will think when I look at YOUR house."

And recently my mom has been worried about my dad's health (not "in general" but "for good reason involving hospitalizations") and she's been saying things like "He just won't even make the EFFORT to lose weight." This in response to the doctor saying my dad should lose weight (even though nothing they've found so far has been in any way linked to weight, but perhaps we shouldn't get into THAT topic again), and my dad saying helplessly that he CAN'T: that he's tried and tried for decades and still can't. My mom counts THIS as not even being willing to lift a pinkie finger. And since I take after my dad, weight-wise, this is inadvertently hurtful to me as well, when she's going on and on about this to me. Especially when she makes her little puff of exasperation about it, from her thin body. And especially when she has told me time and time again that she knows it's not a matter of CHOOSING. That she thinks people come off "God's design table" at their own particular sizes that are the perfect sizes they're meant to be. She gives the example of one friend who is very plump, and who is obviously meant to be that shape and GOD HIMSELF wouldn't want her to diet. She tells me how mad she gets at another friend, a thin one who accuses her (the friend's) husband of being too plump, when my mom knows she (the friend) would be five pounds thinner FOR SURE if she COULD be, so she (the friend) ought to understand that it's the same with her husband, who would also be thinner if he could be. My mom isn't trying to hurt me, but she's sending a new message here, and it's a message that's canceling out all her decades of supportive messages. She's sending the message that she considers my dad's body a total pit that requires zero effort, so please imagine what she thinks when she looks at mine.

This makes me feel like communication is pointless: there's no way to even TALK without injuring people. Everything we say is knives.

Control

2011-01-14T18:31:00.006-05:00

I've been feeling so out of control. I'm not in control of my moods, or my temper, or my weight, or my chores, or my eating, or my children, or my social anxiety, or my exercise, or my spoken words, or my reactions to others. There's a brain/body disconnect: I can tell my body all day long to act/feel a certain way, but it declines to do so.

Do you know what makes it all the more frustrating? Everything I read under the general category "How to get control over these things" seems to me to boil down to this message: "You know what's better than being out of control? Being IN control. So give THAT a try." To me, that's like telling a drug addict her problems will be solved if she just stops wanting to use drugs, and then brushing off our hands briskly and saying, "There! Now if she doesn't change, it's because she doesn't WANT to and isn't TRYING to and isn't WILLING to DO THE WORK."

When I read other people's personal experiences, all of them read to me like this: "I decided I was out of control. So I got back into control! It's a constant effort and/or it no longer requires effort, but either way I'm in control rather than out of control, and that's a better way to be! You can do it too!"

For a long, long time, I thought the problem was that I hadn't found the Right Way yet. There are only so many decades of Right Ways I can try before it seems like it's not them, it's me.

There are so many levels of frustration here. Frustration at the lack of control, and the consequences of those lacks (and also PANIC about the consequences of those lacks). Frustration at the endlessly repeated failure to gain control (not REgain---I've never had it). Frustration at not being able to understand how others are managing it---or even make sense of their instructions. Frustration at being misunderstood as saying something other than what I'm saying, every single time I discuss it, because people can't understand how things are for me any more than I can understand how things are for them. Frustration at trying what I considered last-ditch efforts (medication, therapy) and having those also fail.

Didn't

2011-01-01T18:34:00.002-05:00

This afternoon my mom tried to explain God to my only girl, and I was there, and as an example my mom was going through who believed what ("Grandma believes in God and loves him, Daddy doesn't believe in God...." etc.), and she said, "And Mommy believes..." and she hazarded a guess somewhere on the agnosticism side of atheism, a guess that reflected her enduring hope that God and I have had a fight and that I am just being pissy and sulky, and I put a pushpin into my actual belief, which is that to me it is absolutely irrelevant whether God exists or not, because if God exists as he's been portrayed, I have no interest in following that kind of leader.

If you are religious you might think I got some sort of satisfaction out of seeing my mother's hopes for my religious future dashed like that. But I didn't.

Updates Part 2

2010-12-19T18:23:00.002-05:00

I remembered two more updates:

1. I'm completely off psychiatric medications now, and have been since the end of November. I definitely notice the difference, but it's not enough of a difference for me to want to get back on them right now. One thing I notice is that I'm focusing more on past confrontations: one from the past year I thought I was coping okay with is going through my mind a lot more now that I'm off medication. I will have to re-read the cognitive-behavioral therapy book. I can PREFER but not DEMAND, and so forth.

2. The ex-boyfriend (the one who called out of the blue to talk about how optimism and meaning have gone out of his life) emailed me to ask how difficult my divorce was on all levels, and if he could call me to talk about it at length. So. Mystery revealed. And it shouldn't have been a mystery, now that I can look BACK on it: his recent weight loss and snappy clothes, his dissatisfaction with life, his impression that he used to laugh and have fun, the loss of his business, calling the ex-girlfriend---these all add up to "man buying a mid-life crisis and about to make his wife and kids pay for it." Plus, the reason I broke up with him is that he kept cheating on me. Sooooo....this explains why when we were talking about psychological stuff and I asked if he was "seeing someone" (a poor choice of words, but I was trying to tread lightly), he started choking and coughing.

I don't know if I want to talk to him about it or not. It makes me feel weary already: I remember how he endlessly justifies his behavior and fails to take responsibility, so I don't really want to hear him do that now, especially if the stakes now involve his wife (who seems like she's GOOD) and two little kids. I don't know if I'll be able to handle hearing some guy my age give "his reasons" for leaving a woman like me with kids like mine. But I think I WILL talk to him. Or maybe not. I don't know. Probably I will, but I suspect it will not go well and there won't be a second talk about it: he'll want my support in his decision, and I doubt he'll get it, so he'll move on to some other ex-girlfriend.

Various Updates

2010-12-17T19:13:00.003-05:00

It seems like it is time for a general-update post.

1. Mike had an appointment for a pre-Snip evaluation scheduled for December 23rd. (I realize there is no need for a pre-appointment and that they are just working an extra co-pay out of us. I choose to let him draw the process out, to give him time to REALLY THINK---and also to give him two whole appointments where he has to show his Boy Bits embarrassingly, to help balance the one million appointments where I have to show my Girl Bits embarrassingly.) They called today to reschedule the evaluation for January 17th.

2. I'm dieting with a friend. We did two weeks of "eating what we usually eat, but less of it," and then got impatient and did a week of "no, we are really serious." We lost maybe a little weight, hard to tell for sure, on the first two weeks; we each lost five pounds, probably at least a couple pounds of water (because both of us drink water with food) on the serious week. We'll see how this goes. My experience does not lead me to believe that diets work, and yet Hope always seems to overrule experience, doesn't it? Oh, I am maybe a thin person all along, just a thin person who is Being Super-Piggy and Super-Lazy!!!!

3. I complain a lot about my mom, so it seems fitting that I should give her some credit when credit's due: she recently said that actually, the Bible only says that promiscuous/extramarital homosexuality is an abomination, which is the same thing it says about promiscuous/extramarital heterosexuality, so that for all she knows, gay marriage and parenting is just as fine as heterosexual marriage and parenting. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Oh, but she's still trying to get in the way of the gay couple who wants to adopt, and she keeps talking about "secret agendas" and calling them "the partners" with audible air quotes, so it's not all Happy Awesome around here. Still. This is a step. A MAJOR step. "Thinking about what the Bible ACTUALLY SAYS about it" is a very good step indeed.

Call From the Ex-Boyfriend 2

2010-12-01T17:30:00.002-05:00

Ha! Yes! You're right: we need more discussion of the phone call from the ex-boyfriend.

"Why was he calling?" is something I have not yet figured out. My GUESS is that he wants to tell his Sob Story to someone who hasn't over the last two years become utterly sick of hearing about it. I think he's hoping for some "Poor you!!!" from a woman who isn't sick of supporting him while he burns through one job after another. I think he's having a bit of a psychological crisis and is thinking of me as a therapist type: someone who knew The Real Him before he became weighed down by Life.

He also seems to want to wallow in the concept that we used to laugh and have fun all the time as teenagers, but now we are weighed down by pessimism. I think his ego would like to be boosted by me saying similar things---like, things were so great then, but they suck now. He wants to reminisce in a slightly dangerous way, and he wants to believe that things could have been great if I hadn't gone off to college and broken up with him. He wants to reassign blame for where he is now, and make it a matter of If Only. He'd like to find out I was pining for him a bit, and then have the confidence boost of being indifferent to it. This is just my guess.

We've talked occasionally over the years. He called me a lot my freshman year of college. He called me the night before my first wedding, asking me to call it off. When I got a divorce, his MOM called me asking me to consider dating him again. He called when he was lonely in the military and I was living with Mike but not yet married; he wanted me to come see him. (I didn't.) We saw each once other during that time: I was home for Christmas, and I called his parents' house on impulse to see if he was home, and they were leaving in a few hours to pick him up from the airport and said I should come along to surprise him. And I did, and there was some sitting up in the middle of the night next to his parents' Christmas tree and kissing, and it was not a good-judgment situation.

I also saw him once when I was a mother of two. I was living where I am now, and he came to help his parents move, and he and I went out to lunch. I spent a lot of time choosing an outfit, and in fact bought a new shirt to wear. But the lunch went poorly; I felt like he was trying to act cool and indifferent, and I felt dumb for going to lunch with him at all.

Since then (8-ish years), we've emailed occasionally but not talked on the phone, and we're Facebook friends. I've noticed that he tends to contact me really often for a few weeks, then drop out of touch for a year or two. I think of him as an unreliable, weak, no-follow-through, blame-other-people/circumstances kind of person. And he's not very smart: when I talk to him, I have to dumb down my vocabulary and he still says "Hah?" like an old person. Cute, though. Looks like LL Cool J. And he always did the things I expected from a boyfriend from all the teen romance novels I read.

I told Mike I'd talked to the ex-boyfriend, and also reported how long the conversation had lasted. I'd considered not mentioning it, but I thought about how I'd feel if Mike had a 2.5-hour conversation with an ex-girlfriend and "didn't mention it," and I thought I would Not Like That.

He's on my mind a lot, because I'm wondering what's up. I have SLIGHT feelings for him still: at the end of our call he said, "I want to say something to you" and I admit my heart pounded. (He wanted to say thank you for talking to him. Meh. Waste of heart-poundy feelings.) But when I was living with Mike and not married to him yet, I remember Ex-Boyfriend once called to see if I'd get back together with him, and wanted to talk as if it were only circumstances that were keeping us apart, and I told him, very kindly and gently, "Even if I weren't with Mike, I STILL wouldn't want to date you again"---and that's still true. It's not that it's "tempting but I can resist." (A First Love IS difficult to handle later on, though. And the LL Cool J thing.)

I don't think he understands, though, that if it came to me choosing sides between him and his wife, I'd side with his wife. I'm a wife myself, and also I remember what it was like to be with him.

P.S. He called again today, but I was out on errands.

Call From the Ex-Boyfriend

2010-11-30T15:26:00.003-05:00

My high school boyfriend, my first love, my first relationship, SO CUTE, my first fiancé if you can imagine high school kids getting engaged, the guy I had to make join the military because I knew I couldn't otherwise break it off with him and I really needed to---called me today and talked to me for 45 minutes, and then I had to leave to take the kids to kindergarten, and he asked when I'd be back and if he could call me again, and I said yes, and he did call me back, and we talked for two more hours.

It was one of the most boring conversations of my life. I swear to you, he spent 45 minutes explaining how call centers work and why it's better not to outsource them. Another hour was about the company he owned, and why it went out of business 2 years ago. Another half-hour was the car accident he was involved in that was totally not his fault, and how unfair the outcome is likely to be. The only times he asked me anything about myself were when he wanted to use my answer as a springboard for his next point.

Part of the reason each topic took so long is that he paused so long between words and sentences I wondered if he might be on some sort of drug. A bigger part of the reason is that he seemed to have seriously ZERO concept of how to tell a story in a way that it would be worthy of the time it took. Like, I asked, "Why did your company close?" and he first wanted to explain how the real estate market works, and what caused the boom, and what caused the crash. With long pauses. Then an in-depth description of how his industry was related, and how members of his industry are trained. More pauses. Meanwhile I'm going "Uh huh, uh huh" and thinking "GET TO THE POINT FTLOG ARE YOU KIDDING ME???"

It's weird to think I used to wait by the phone for him to call, and not want him to hang up.

Reasons I Hate Everything Right Now

2010-11-29T06:13:00.002-05:00

1. Started a new diet. The triumph of hope over experience, as the smarties say about a variety of things. I get so frustrated because I am not even trying to be THIN, I would just like to be LESS FAT or at least STOP GETTING FATTER, and even THOSE reasonable goals don't work.

2. My new exercise plan, which had gone well for several weeks (i.e., resulted in the usual discouraging weight gain, but I was nevertheless doing it six days a week and starting to see really good differences in ability), was thwarted by the time change, and so far I haven't found something else that works (i.e., that I am able to make myself do).

3. Weaning off Paxil. It seems like such a waste, when it takes so much effort to start seeing a psychiatrist. But I've been trying different medications for over two years now, and nothing was doing enough good to justify the appointment hassles and potential side effects. Or so I felt while I was on it. We'll see. I'd forgotten how easily I cry when I'm not on medication. I'm almost completely off it now, taking a 1/4 dose every 2-3 days.

4. Repeatedly screwing up a baby gift. I keep fumbling it for some reason, and wasting time checking stores that don't have what I want, and then driving 30 minutes to another store that I think might have good clearance stuff, and then I'm there and they don't and I think, "Wait, why did I drive so far for this?" And then I finally chose something (a sweet and cozy 3-piece Carter's set), and got it home and read the tag and see that "newborn" size is 5-8 pounds. While yes, I guess that IS a range that includes what newborns weigh, this was an 8-pound baby and it would be nice if she didn't outgrow the outfit before it got to her in the mail. And besides, the baby has an older sister so I doubt she needs any clothes. So now I need to return it and start over, and for some reason this one silly chore is making me feel overwhelmed and stupid---and even more so because I LOVE shopping for baby gifts, so what is going so wrong with this one?

5. Mike and I have shared a bed for FIFTEEN YEARS and he still can't remember that I can't sleep if someone's snuggled in. I KNOW he's a snuggler, and so sometimes I'm willing to lie awake for an extra hour so that he can snuggle to sleep (I mean, it doesn't take him an hour to fall asleep, he's out in 5 minutes---but then it takes ME an hour to get to sleep after missing my own sleep window), but yesterday our youngest child got us up for the day at 4:00 a.m., so last night I wanted to SLEEP---and Mike WOKE ME UP at 11:00 by snuggling in.

6. I'm doing my annual Christmas Flux, where one minute I'm all "Yay I love Christmas, time to do cards, time for Christmas songs on the radio, time to put up a PRETTY SHINY TREE!!" and the next minute I'm all "What's the point, why do we even bother, crap there's so much to do, I'm so sick of getting bombarded with SALE SALE SALE OMG SALE!!! emails, why do so many singers think singing a Christmas song reallllly slow makes it more beautiful and meaningful?" I'm trying to keep in mind the various wise things I've read about making Christmas simpler and more meaningful (Marie), and paring it down to the fun parts (Anne), but I'm still getting irritated.

7. The Snip situation, which, I don't even know what I think, but I hate it from every direction.

Cold Comfort

2010-11-20T23:33:00.005-05:00

I talked about it on my main blog, but I want to add a few notes here.

• One of many reasons I am thinking it's time for The Snip is birth control. The options suck, as we have discussed many times before. Right now I don't want to use hormonal birth control so we're using condoms/spermicide, and every time we use them I feel like I've been injured internally. Plus, if we use them two days in a row I get a UTI.

• Mike is a laid-back guy. It's one of his strong suits (as a neurotic over-fretter, I need his balance and calm), but it also means he's unlikely to make the appointment. If he waits too long, I'll stop using birth control and tell him so; that'll get him to the urologist in about 24 hours, is my guess. But I would resent being made to MANIPULATE him into something that is HIS CHOICE.

• I feel like this is his last chance to change his mind. I also feel that the fact that I am saying "Okay, go ahead and do it" gives me permission to make several last-ditch attempts: once the official surrender documentation is in place, the prisoner's entreaties don't have the same political impact. Tonight I said I thought his "no room in his heart for another baby" was bullshit, and I drew his attention specifically to our fifthborn, who is, frankly, his favorite, and I reminded him that he didn't think he had room for this one, but he did, and in fact he had more than enough room. Mike didn't argue, and he looked affectionately at fifthborn child as I was talking, and I know that he agrees with me---and yet I don't think it will change his mind.

• At this point, if he DID change his mind, I don't even know what I'd do. It's been two years since I thought I might die and/or divorce him if we didn't have another baby, and at this point I guess I must have mostly adjusted, because if he said, "You know what? I really think we should have just one more," I would have mixed feelings. Part of me would be ON THAT in about 2 seconds, and part of me would be thinking I'd rather risk having a baby than risk regretting one---and part of me would be thinking, "Hey, wait, really? The barfing, the worry, the diapers, the potty-training...?" ...Never mind: as I was typing that, I was doing the math and those tiny things don't even register on the scale against how wonderful it is to have another person here.

• So, if he said yes, I would have another baby. In fact, that's what kills me: that every month, another chance at a person disappears. The person who could have been absolutely essential to my continued happiness is gone forever. EVERY MONTH. And worse: we're running out of months, no matter what the decision is.

• I think the whole "both partners have to be 100% on board" thing is an enormous load of crap. ENORMOUS. load. of. crap. And I think it's used because it SOUNDS true---as do many other things that are believed fervently without any intellectual investment.

• I'd like to redirect my natural inclinations (loving babies, wanting babies), but it seems to me there isn't anywhere to put them. Before I had any children, I tried working in daycare, thinking that would help my baby fever---and I don't know how to explain it, but FAIL. The baby name blog helps. The idea of future grandchildren helps. Other people's pregnancies help. Buying baby things for charity helps. My niece, and the possibility of another niece or nephew---that helps. But there is no real outlet for this, um, "gift," this ability to want and love many sons and daughters. I'm stuck. People say "Be yourself! DO what you ARE!!" but sometimes that's not possible.

• At my last OB appointment I started crying and asked him to tell me when these baby cravings would GO AWAY, because this was RIDICULOUS. He said kindly, "Well, I can tell you this: the women in their sixties don't talk to me about it anymore." I was not comforted by this: after menopause, of COURSE women wouldn't be talking about it anymore to the OB. And my sixties are more than twenty years away. But I found his tone of voice comforting: it was sympathetic, and it implied that I was not the only one going through this. That I was not the only one crying to him in the exam room.

• I'll tell you where I find comfort right now: in thinking of each human being's insignificance, and in thinking that even if I DID have a sixth child, in a hundred years we'll still all be dead. My great-grandmother had eleven children (with two sets of twins), and now she is dead, and so are all her children, and it doesn't matter if she had always wanted a twelfth and pined the rest of her life, or if she'd wanted an eleventh and her husband didn't but went with it. Nothing matters. THAT is COMFORTING.

Beloved Relatives

2010-11-20T11:53:00.003-05:00

A beloved, adored relative of mine made a crack about how yeah, we don't need any more of THAT in politics---with the word "that" being a skin-color reference.

I've written before about how this kind of thing knocks me right down. I feel like I can come to terms with the fact that there are ignorant, nasty jerks in the world, people who couldn't understand the word "rational" if you gave a six-part lecture series on the topic. What blows my mind is when a kind, good, intelligent, BELOVED person in my life has an ignorant, nasty, jerky opinion. I have trouble reconciling it.

Last time I wrote about this, a lot of you said that what you do is just love the person for the good in who they are, and let go of the bad stuff. I think this is good advice. I also find it hard to apply: my brain kicks against it. I hear someone say something awful, and my heart wilts. I can't love the person the way I otherwise could.

It's not a matter of requiring PERFECTION from the people I love, heavens no! Everyone is flawed, everyone screws up, etc. etc. OBV. It's that there's a huge difference between someone making a human mistake, and someone having a part of their brain that allows them to feel justified in believing something evil.

Can't Say Later

2010-11-14T22:58:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in my last post, it's been a bad week or so: kids coughing, me with a sore throat and yet never quite catching the cold, and my mom completely finking out on the babysitting she claims to REALLY WANT to do, so that I never have free time anymore and feel even more oppressed by my children, who have been pains in the butt lately. Plus, I need both GYN and psych appointments, and there is no time to make them, and I can't bring all three little kids with me to either one, so I am feeling resentful and trapped as well as oppressed and irritated.

In fact, sitting in recliners in the living room with Mike and observing those children roiling around us, I felt a sapping of joy and energy, and I could feel the weight of the years of parenting still ahead, as well as a feeling of failing the parenting thing anyway (since the pain-in-the-buttedness is mostly stuff that we're telling them not to do and they're doing anyway). And I felt my increasing age, and the increasing age of my youngest, and the way the light of SOME freedom is only two years ahead, when my youngest will be in kindergarten a few hours a day and I can once again have the great luxury of going to the dentist now and then.

I turned to Mike and said, "You know, I think it may be time for..." and he made a snipping gesture while raising his eyebrows, and I said yes. And he said, "You've been going back and forth on this, so I won't go ahead and make the appointment. I'll let you do it, and then you can't say later that I'M the one who did it!"

He didn't say this all bitchy and you-crazy-lady the way it looks when I write it; it was good-humored and friendly, with even a tone of "I won't rush you into this---take your time." And I WOULDN'T be happy if I said, "You know, maybe..." and he was already dialing the number. But it was still a blindingly stupid thing to say. "So I can't say HE did it"? Does he seriously think that later on if I'm EVEN MORE regretful that we never had a sixth child, that he can turn up his palms and say, "Hey, you're the one who made the appointment with the urologist!"

It does not matter AT ALL who makes that appointment, it is still His Will Being Done. Me making the appointment would mean that I no longer wanted to mess around with the hormones that make me crazy or the condoms/spermicide that hurt my skin and give me UTIs, not that I'M the one who decided we were done having kids. It would mean that I was forced to GIVE IN to HIS decision, not that it was MY decision or even that I had any input on the decision. It would mean that I realized he was never going to change his mind, so I would be forced to bend to what he wanted. It would IN NO WAY mean that I "couldn't say" ANYTHING. I have been absolutely powerless in this decision about another child, and if making the appointment with the urologist is what symbolizes that decision for him, then he will make the appointment himself.

No, I Get It

2010-11-13T22:40:00.002-05:00

This has been a bad week. I've been almost but not quite getting a cold, and the kids have been unpleasant and challenging. I had a non-fight over email with my mother, who is reverting once again to her usual pattern of making family her absolute last priority and making sure we know it by her actions, but not admitting it---it's always "just such a crazy week."

In theory she takes the three little kids for four hours a week, and that's supposed to be the time when I can make my own appointments, but she cancels so often I definitely CAN'T make appointments. And then she's always just so dismayed! about how BUSY she is this week! She's just devastated that she can't take the kids, but of course NEXT week will be back to normal, WHEW!

So I finally said no, it wasn't just this week, it was every single week. And that it was actually worse to have hope of free time, so why don't we just not plan on it "until she was less busy." And she got miffed and canceled our weekly Saturday shopping trip, saying she was "sick." But oh, she will be better for church tomorrow, and for her lunch with a friend on Monday and her hair appointment Monday afternoon and her women's Bible study Tuesday morning and so on.

It's exactly like that anecdote that goes around about the professor teaching his students time management, the one that ends in either "There's always room for beer" or "There's always room for coffee," depending on the version. Leaving aside the punchline, that's what my mom does: she fills her jar right up to the top with pebbles and sand, and then laments that somehow she has no room at all for the bigger rocks. But it's totally not her fault! It's just her BUSY SCHEDULE! And if I even SUGGEST in a very passive sort of way that it's in any way unpleasant for me to get canceled on again and Again and AGAIN, she gets miffed and wounded, and acts like I just don't UNDERSTAND her WORK and her OBLIGATIONS. No, I get it. Her actions show them to me in a list, ranked, and I totally get it.

Another House Update, Sort of Worse But Also Sort of Better

2010-10-31T15:31:00.005-04:00

We heard back from Mike's sister. She says no to our plan of her taking the house and the car and us taking the WAY SMALLER SHARE of just stocks and cash. She says she's "uncomfortable" with this because she wants the stocks for her financial security (oh, I see, she WANTS them!), and because she thinks the house will increase only slightly in value whereas the stocks will increase a lot. She says that's why "the plan is joint ownership," and that the great thing is that we (meaning her and us) can get a really good deal on a home equity loan right now!

You see what she's proposing? That WE take on half a SECOND MORTGAGE, to pay for repairs on the house she doesn't want to inherit but wants to live in "until the market improves." Meanwhile, she will take the car and she doesn't want to lose any of the stocks.

I'm happy to report that Mike says "Screw that." I think the mortgage idea is what really got through to him: not just "helping with repairs" but actually having ANOTHER MORTGAGE in addition to our own---with us getting nothing out of it. So he's emailing her back to say, "Okay, then let's sell the house as-is, as a fixer-upper, because there's no way we'll be able to get out the money we'd have to put in to fix it up. Then we'll split what it sells for, and the cash/stocks." (I'll make sure that it works out to include "...after taking the value of the car out of your half.")

I wish she'd just taken the house (because now we enter the world of real estate, and of getting her OUT), but I'm very, very, very happy that now Mike seems to have been steered off of his plan to let her live there indefinitely while we pay for repairs. I asked him if he thinks she's wily (trying to screw us) or just dim (so self-focused she doesn't even consider that we might not want to do what's best for her, even to our own detriment), and he waffled but basically went with "dim." Neither of us think she has ANY IDEA that if we sell the house, she'll end up having to pay rent elsewhere---and that the long-term cost of those rent payments will be FAR MORE than any problem with the house not increasing in value much, or with any financial security she thinks she'll get from the piddling stocks.

More House

2010-10-26T14:09:00.003-04:00

I'm sure you guys know FULL WELL how cheesed off I am about this house situation, since I'm even discussing it on my MAIN blog and HANG the risks.

Sometimes marriage is a sucky arrangement. Right now I feel yoked (via old-school neck-yoking oxen yoke, not some hippie double-necklace yoke made out of a daisy chain or whatever) to someone who isn't thinking rationally, and who is covering an almost pathological fear of confrontations with a semi-fake layer of "Doing the Right Thing" (hint: I disagree that it's the right thing for us to support his fully-capable sister) and who is therefore going to have a large and unpleasant impact on our finances, and all I can do is try to lessen the impact---AND have to FIGHT to lessen it.

I feel lucky that I don't feel this way all the time, as some spouses must feel. But that doesn't mean I don't feel unlucky in this particular circumstance. I'd rather NEVER feel like this. In general, I think one spouse shouldn't feel YANKED AROUND by the other spouse or else it starts getting pretty far away from what I think of as marriage.

It's one thing to say I should just tell him this thing, or just persuade him to do that thing, or just explain to him this other thing---but the problem comes when I've explained myself as thoroughly as I possibly can, AND HE DISAGREES. It reminds me of the "wanting another baby" thing---like, how can he continue to take a different stance when I have been SO CLEAR??? The impulse then is to CONTINUE EXPLAINING, but that isn't a plan that tends to, you know, WORK.

Here, too, at some point I will have to stop arguing with him about this. I can only push it so far or repeat myself so many times or restate my point so many ways before it starts to bring problems to the marriage. YES, I should be able to make him see it my way, but that has so far been unsuccessful. I think it's that he's willfully not understanding me, because he can't cope with what he would need to do if he DID understand and agree---i.e., tell his sister she needs to be fair.

And I don't blame him for not wanting a confrontation with his sister: she's like his mom, stubborn and irrational and critical of everyone else. If she sees something a certain way, there is no bringing her around to a different understanding of it. She's 34 and she acts 18. She tried to live like a grown-up after college, but each roommate soon kicked her out. It's HIGHLY likely that if he tried to make her be fair, she'd start throwing out arguments like "YOU have a place to live!!" and "But I can't FIND an apartment!!" or "Come on, YOU don't want to live here!!"

But he didn't have to dig us in DEEPER. When she made a suggestion, he could have said mildly, "No, I'd rather do this other thing" instead of saying "Yes you can live there for free, and how about making it indefinite, and make sure you charge us half for repairs." (Fortunately she hasn't done any yet, preferring to wait until the estate is settled so that she can take the money out of there.)

He had something similar going on in his relationship with his mom: like, just make her happy, with lies if necessary, and maybe she'll GO AWAY. He never notices it just makes people like his moms and sister MOOCH IN HARDER.

The sucky thing with marriage is that there are so many opportunities for an impasse with no good solution. Sure, I could essentially force him to do things my way with his sister, but he would resent it and it would damage our relationship. Sure, he might be able to force me to let him handle it his way, but I would resent it and it would damage our relationship. So now we have to pick our way through this MINEFIELD, and I feel like I'm picking carefully while he's standing on a pedestal of Being Kind to His Poor, Poor Sister and protecting said sister from the Complaining, Money-Grabbing Wife Who Never Even Liked His Mother---when what I'm ACTUALLY trying to do is be FAIR and even GENEROUS, but not to the point of being SUCKERS who get TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.

Tax

2010-10-22T09:52:00.002-04:00

And hey, what IS the tax implication of owning half a house in another state? I'm guessing it's WEIRD and COMPLICATED.

Update on the Sister in the House

2010-10-22T07:48:00.001-04:00

Do you remember This is Why I Don't Tell You These Things, in which Mike tried to defend the decision to let his sister live in their mother's house rent-free and indefinitely by turning it into something about ME and how crazy _I_ was? I knew I would need to revisit this subject with him, but I didn't know how.

The way I did it was, I waited until ~~I was sufficiently liquored up and~~ I felt ready, and I said to him, out of the blue, while cooking dinner, "I know you're trying to keep us from getting all excited about chickens before they hatch [that was one of his excuses for keeping it from me], but the way it makes me feel is like you're excluding me from important decisions that affect our family, and that you're keeping secrets from me."

I let him process this for a minute (he seemed affectionate and sympathetic, like "Oh, my sweet and silly wifey!"), and then I launched into my primary issues. I feel like you're all so up on these things you already know, but the gist was (1) this current arrangement is unfair, and (2) this current arrangement is crazy, and (3) this current arrangement will lead to problems in the future.

I don't know if it had an effect. I said my piece, and he said a few things that I countered (examples:

1. he said his sister seemed pretty responsible and mature, and I said she was 34 and living with their mother because she got kicked out by the two roommates she tried to live with because she didn't do her share

2. he said he was sure it was just temporary and I said Uh huh and had anything been decided about who would pay for household repairs? No? HUH

3. he said that he was employed by a good company and couldn't ask his single sister to pay rent or take out a mortgage for half the house, and I pointed out that we could also see it as his free-and-clear sister who had 1.5 jobs and no children and no expenses vs. he who had a family and a mortgage).

And then I left for my evening walk, and we haven't said anything since.

The best I can hope for is that what I said is percolating. There are two worsts: (1) that he will ignore what I said, or that (2) he will agree, but will be unable to muster the intestinal fortitude to do anything about it.

Not that I even know what SHOULD be done. Because what SHOULD have been done is his sister never should have suggested such an arrangement, and I don't know how to handle someone who WOULD suggest it.

**** UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE ****

He just now forwarded me an email exchange he had with his sister, which he prefaced to me "Well, I tried." And would you like to know what he tried? He tried whining a little to her that he hoped this wouldn't go on too long because owning half a house was weird and he didn't know how to do that on his taxes, and that maybe it would make sense for her to someday slowly buy out his half. THAT IS ALL HE SAID. To which she responded that he should ASK HIS ACCOUNTANT about the tax thing, and also that they (he and she) would need to pay for the roof to be replaced. His accountant. That would be ME, I guess, since I do our taxes.

Did he say, "Hey, Beth, we need to talk about the house. If we're not going to sell it now, we need to decide if we're going to rent it out or what. Are you interested in keeping the house? If so, let's have the house appraised and you can buy me out---I don't mind that the market is low right now." NO.

I don't even know how to reply to that crap "Well, I tried."

Hope for Misunderstanding

2010-10-21T18:42:00.006-04:00

My mother is, coincidentally through her job, in a situation where she has power to influence whether a gay couple is able to adopt an infant. The only two things she knows about the couple are that (1) they are gay and (2) they are desperate to adopt. She has chosen to use the power she has to oppose the adoption, solely on the basis of the homosexuality of the couple. I don't think I've ever been so ashamed and embarrassed.

I've written a check to GLAAD, because I don't know what else to do: the problem with not being religious is I can't pray. But here is what I hope:

1. Of course primarily I hope that her small influence will prove to be completely ineffective, and that the baby will go to whatever is the right family for it.

2. But I also hope that if she's right, and the god she worships is indeed the way she thinks he is, that I will be allowed to rot in the soil when I die instead of going to Hell, since it seems as if any entity allowed to control the universe would agree that the concept of "free will"---which is so important to him he allows adults and children to be raped and abused and molested and tortured, all for the sake of it---includes the option to NOT follow the entity, without being punished by an eternity of torture.

2. That if Hell does in fact exist, that Satan will prove to be just another creature who dared to disagree with god, and therefore a perfectly reasonable creature who runs a fine place to live.

3. That she is wrong, and that no such awful entity as her god exists.

4. That if he does exist but is not as she thinks he is, he has been completely misunderstood and will forgive her for misunderstanding, considering he wrote a confusing manual and then has been completely silent and sequel-less for more than 2000 years, and that he will intercede in this case to make sure the best family for the infant is allowed to adopt it, or at least will not actively intercede for the worse.

Birthday-Related Dilemma

2010-10-13T21:35:00.002-04:00

Do you know what DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince ruined FOREVER? The starting line "Okay, here's the situation." No one can EVER SAY THAT AGAIN without the entire readership saying "My parents went away for a week's vacation!"

Anyway, here's the sitch. I have three friends I exchange birthday gifts with every year. My last birthday, two of them forgot. One of them has a birthday coming up, which I remember. What do I do?

If I send her a present, she will go "OH SH*T!!" as she remembers that she forgot my birthday. No good.

If I send her a card, she will go "OH SH*T!!" as she remembers that she forgot my birthday, and then she will feel punished by my only-card-no-present. No good.

If I do nothing, she might remember that she forgot my birthday and say "OH SH*T!" and also feel even more severely punished, or she might NOT remember that she forgot my birthday and think _I_ forgot HER birthday. No good and no good.

So Mad

2010-10-02T17:36:00.005-04:00

I'm so angry. My mom, turning red all over her face and down her neck, told me today that, according to her, "Obama's healthcare plan" passed, meaning, as she put it, that "we pay for everyone else."

I can't even process this, it's so crazy. OH YES, obviously the KRAZY BLACK MAN wanted YOU to pay for EVERYONE ELSE.

Just for starters, what does she think health insurance already IS? Mike and I pay more than our mortgage per month for our insurance, and we have a $2000 deductible per person. She pays $1000 per month for her insurance and has a $10,000 deductible. Where does that money go? In a nice safe savings account for our own health insurance coverage? NO, it pays for OTHER PEOPLE'S health coverage. And, if we need it, other people's money pays for ours.

She was all, "I don't want to pay for other people's health insurance!" Which, first of all, as I just said, that is what health insurance IS: everyone pays in, and the people who need it take out. And secondly, who does she thinks pays for Medicaid and Medicare? That's TAXES. That's US, paying for OTHER PEOPLE'S costs. She is 100% anti-abortion (that is, she is against abortion even if the mother will die otherwise), and who does she want to pay for the programs that support mothers who have their children rather than aborting them? Us! That's what she WANTS.

I'm so mad, I can't stand this. I can't watch her face and neck turn bright red as she blames THE BLACK DEMOCRAT for what has been the case ALL ALONG. She and my dad retired before age 65: who, again, is to blame that they don't have health insurance through an employer? How, again, are they being hurt by a "socialist health care" plan that has not in fact had any effect on the health insurance either of us has -slash- pays for? Both THEY and WE have exactly the same cost/coverage as when Bush was president, so WHAT IS THE ISSUE HERE?

Ignored

2010-09-30T18:13:00.000-04:00

Tonight Mike got into his rare-yet-regular fits where he's sort of snapping at everyone and my tension levels go through the roof listening to it from another room. I always first try to ignore it, and then finally make a comment that he ignores, but that stops him from continuing. That is the pattern.

Tonight I went another step and went to where he was and said, "Don't ignore me or give me the silent treatment when I talk!" I went on to say I'd given a perfectly reasonable suggestion. He countered with his usual mood-related (that is, he's not usually of this opinion, but he gets in moods like this) fit about how everything is too overwhelming and impossible. So I said he had three choices:

1. He could leave this family
2. He could learn to handle it
3. He could learn to take a night off when he needed it, which was infrequently, rather than plowing through it with anger and snappishness and making everyone miserable.

I felt so much better after spelling it out. It's not like it happens often, but I do want to bring a total halt to the reactions he learned from his father, which are to totally tune out when he's hearing something he'd either prefer not to hear or doesn't have an answer for, in order, I've assumed, to communicate superiority to the whole situation. I do so dislike his father, and also I HATE being ignored and do I really have to boil a rabbit to get it to stop? I think not.

Old Crush

2010-09-28T17:48:00.001-04:00

I had a dream last night about the boy I had a crush on from age 12 when I met him in youth group, until age 16 when I got my first real boyfriend and Crush Boy had gone off to college. He was a very good choice as a high-school crush, because he was kind to me and didn't take advantage of my feelings, which in true Constance form I unwisely confessed to him via NOTE, as if all the Blatant Mooning wasn't totally obvious to everyone.

I don't think it's too revealing to say his name is Jim. And when I did NaNoWriMo a few years ago (when pregnant with my youngest and looking for distraction from the 'round-the-clock nausea), I wrote a book about a woman who had an affair with the high school crush who finally liked her back, and then found herself pregnant with a baby who might be her husband's or might be her high school crush's.

Jim is the only guy I would consider an actual danger to my marriage: that is, I was so attracted to him back then, and he seems like SO MUCH my type even now (he's similar in personality to Mike), I don't think it would be safe to have any contact with him now. It's possible that if I did actually meet him it would totally defuse the attraction (this has certainly happened with other, less-significant crushes), but I think of it as not worth the risk with Jim, just in case.

I'm Facebook friends with his sister so I see his picture from time to time, and pictures of his nice wife and two children: three more reasons it would not be a good idea, just in case.

Refill

2010-09-27T17:11:00.006-04:00

The last time I saw my psychiatrist, which was in early summer, she told me to make an appointment for 2 months later. Which I tried to do, but the receptionist said she didn't see any appointments past 3:00 all summer, and I always have a 4:30 appointment, so I assumed this was a summer scheduling thing. I called the refill line as needed but planned to wait until fall to make an appointment.

When I called the refill line this most recent time, a receptionist called me back and left a message to tell me the doctor said I need to make an appointment. It took me over a week to steel myself to call, and when I did, the receptionist said the doctor had no appointments past 3:00. I said I wasn't sure if I should leave a message or switch to one of the other doctors in the practice, and then I said actually I should just switch doctors, because of course the doctor isn't going to change her whole schedule for one patient. But the receptionist talked me into leaving a message, because she said OTHERWISE I WOULD NEED TO START ALL OVER AT THE INTAKE LINE, AS A NEW PATIENT.

I have several issues with this.

1. If I were to switch doctors within my primary care provider's office, my file would just go with me: I wouldn't need to start over as a brand-new, never-seen patient. I stopped seeing one of the doctors when he said getting my tubes tied would be the mature decision, and all they needed to do was write a new primary on the folder: they didn't need to ask me all over again about my allergies and insurance. Why would this be different with psychiatrists in the same practice?

2. In fact, even if I moved to a different STATE, my file would accompany me to an entirely new practice of general practitioners and I wouldn't need to start over as a brand-new, never-seen-by-any-doctor-ever patient. Why would this be different with psychiatrists IN THE SAME PRACTICE?

But anyway, I left a message. The receptionist said at least my psychiatrist could call in a refill for me.

And my psychiatrist called me this evening, and had to leave a message because I DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE. AS she and I have discussed MULTIPLE TIMES, since ONE OF THE THINGS I'M BEING TREATED FOR is phone phobia.

I don't know exactly what my point is. I guess I have several:

1. Doctors should be available when their patients are available. Yes, I do mean evenings and weekends, and I am not at all sorry that super-educated people can't work 9-5 as they'd prefer. EVERYONE would prefer to work 9-5 on weekdays only, but in the service industry that's not possible.

2. If they're going to choose to NOT be available when their patients are available, they shouldn't withhold refills of maintenance medication based on their patients' willingness/ability to change their lives around to somehow make appointments, especially if this availability has been discussed in a session and solved by the psychiatrist who is the one who suggested coming at the late-in-the-day time slot. I can see why they wouldn't want to (slash-shouldn't) CHANGE medication without an appointment, but if a patient wants to CONTINUE the SAME agreed-upon medication, I see no reason to insist on ~~a co-pay~~ an appointment.

3. A psychiatrist who is treating a patient for phone phobia SHOULD NOT CALL ON THE PHONE AND EXPECT TO HAVE THAT CALL RETURNED. It took ALL my Phone Oomph (plus two shots of vodka) to call at all; I don't have anything left to receive/return a call. And talking to a DOCTOR on the phone?? That's cranking it up to eleven.

And now I don't know what to do. The psychiatrist has left it in my court AGAIN. I have TWICE been thwarted in my attempts to make an appointment with her. I think it's pretty clear I need a new doctor, one who can see me at the SUPER-LATE, SUPER-UNREASONABLE hour of 4:20 in the afternoon, but that's going to require (1) another phone call and (2) apparently starting all over at the very beginning, as if I don't already have a diagnosis and a prescription.

And you know what makes the LEAST sense? Setting up all these HURDLES for people who need mental-health care.

This is Why I Don't Tell You These Things

2010-09-13T17:17:00.005-04:00

There are many things people can say in an argument that are infuriating, and one of them is "This is why I don't tell you these things."

Current example, for illustration: Mike's mother died nearly a year ago, as you may remember, and she died without a will so everything's been tied up (though I hear it takes awhile no matter what). Mike's sister Beth is living in her mother's house, as she was when her mother died. And today I mentioned that Mike should probably plan on another trip there to help his sister get the house ready for sale after everything's settled with the estate, and he said actually, she wasn't going to be moving anytime soon. Because the market is poor. So she figures she'll just stay there.

I had some thoughts on this subject. One is: Is this going to turn into a situation where she just...stays there? forever? and Mike never gets his half? Another is: Same as the first thought.

And what Mike said first is that no, we'd eventually get our half, even if it was ages from now. He wanted to compare it to stocks forgotten in a file drawer. But see---I don't see it that way. I see it as, if we get $XX,000 and we get it NOW, we can use it to make a huge payment on our house, or renovate the 1960s kitchen, or help send a child to college. But if we get that money after his sister has been living in the house rent-free for twenty years, it's NOT THE SAME. And I think there's a really strong possibility she'd just live the rest of her life there and it wouldn't be settled at all, ever. I feel like this is the kind of thing that needs to be handled right away, either by selling the house and splitting it, or by her buying our share of the house from us---or else it's going to get harder and harder to handle.

And I want to point out that I am SUPER-AWARE that this is primarily between Mike and Beth, and that is why I was very, very careful to speak extremely mildly and not lecture or nag or boss, and to think carefully before each thing I said, and to say very few things. And that's when Mike said, "This is why I don't tell you these things."

I think he means for that to sound like, "You can't handle information without reacting irrationally"---and therefore bring the argument away from the subject and into a frustration/anger thing about whether he can/cannot tell me things. And yet what I think it actually means, based on seeing the way he's interacted with his family over the years, is "If I tell you, you'll know I'm totally letting them do whatever they want in order to avoid confrontation of any kind, as per usual."

Guest Constance #28

2010-09-05T14:40:00.000-04:00

[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]

********
The day I got sent to the hospital to kick off my six weeks of bedrest, I actually cried in the doctor's office, something I have only done two other times, when told of miscarriages. I felt silly reacting so strongly to news that wasn't exactly catastrophic, but I had been holding out such hope that maybe this particular suckage would pass me by this pregnancy. Instead, it came two weeks earlier than with the other two babies, and has already involved two hospital trips, two catheterizations, two IVs, and general poking and swabbing at my nether regions by assorted total strangers.

My house is a disaster, my kids are clingy and insecure and acting weird from all the different caregivers coming and going, and the strangeness of having Mommy present but yet not really doing any kind of parenting. Laundry is all over the place, dishes are getting put away in the weirdest places, the kids are eating way too much junk food, and the yard looks atrocious.

My sister, who has been the main person staying with us while my husband is at work, is also pregnant, about twenty weeks, and has been told that she too, needs to stay off her feet and rest more! So I feel terrible anytime she's up doing something that's not strictly necessary around the house. And my husband seems to think that the only thing strictly necessary is making sure there are, at some point, clean dishes and a path through the floor. Oh, and he has done grocery shopping. Other than that, he seems utterly unconcerned with things like cleaning the bathtub (hasn't been done in a MONTH now,) mopping the floor, vacuuming up PILES of saltine crumbs off the carpet, and just generally keeping up with the mess so that it doesn't overwhelm the entire house before he decides it's time to clean up. (Which obviously means "tidy up," since actual deep cleaning has not happened yet, at least by him. Also, tidying, either by him or anyone else, means "piles of stuff on our dressers" since no one really knows where all the rando stuff goes but me.)

And the baths! Oh dear Lord with the baths. He seems to think we still live in the prairie days and that as long as a kid gets a bath once a week, he's done his job. It's the summer! They're outside! And my kids are SWEATY kind of kids. Call me a clean freak, but I think if there are visible grime smears on their face and body from their day at the playground, probably an actual bath is called for! But I must tiptoe carefully at this point about mentioning anything that I think ought to be done in regard to childcare, because, four weeks in, he's getting very prickly about being "nagged" when he's "doing his best." Sigh.

I'm not unaware that it sucks for him too, don't get me wrong. He goes to work, comes home, handles food and kids (and me) until bedtime, does the bedtime routine pretty much himself, and then (sometimes) tidies up the kitchen and den area. I know that's a long day, and that he's certainly due a little down time. BUT. There has been a lot of help around here, too. My sister has been doing the bulk of the laundry, dishes, and picking up, not to mention childcare, and people have been bringing us food. The nights when we don't have dinner brought in or have leftovers to eat up, he usually gets takeout or makes mac and cheese or a frozen pizza or something... so it's not like he's slaving over a hot stove every night.

Anyways... I don't know what my point even is. I guess it's just the same thing happening that happened the last time I was on bedrest too: by the end of it, we're both getting kind of resentful of each other and mentally weighing who has it worse. I am SO UNSPEAKABLY SICK of lying around- yes, literally LYING, I'm not even supposed to sit up all the way!- and so bored and so physically uncomfortable from the contractions and the baby's position, and I am craving more sympathy at this point than ever. But I am getting less and less sympathy the more this wears on, because guess who else is craving sympathy? And just as legitimately, I suppose. I've never been on the other end of this situation, so I'm sure I'd be feeling not exactly Florence Nightingale-ish after a month of tending to a bedridden, but not technically SICK, spouse, either.

It just sucks. We haven't had any actual fights or anything, and everything is still being handled adequately, I suppose, even if not the way I'd do it or prefer it. We're just wearing thin, both of us, I can tell. And it's really hard not to fault-find when I have nothing to do but sit here and think!

Back On, Probably

2010-08-18T17:41:00.000-04:00

I went off the Pill, and this isn't going to work. Mike seems to think it's okay to wait until the very end to do his share of the birth control. I realize that the chances of conception are low with this (especially since I'm also using birth control), and more in the "scaring high school kids about conceiving through a bathing suit" range, but these things CAN HAPPEN and I'm not enjoying worrying about it for half of each month.

If Mike changed his mind about having another baby, I'm not even sure what I'd want at this point. But I definitely DON'T want a baby to start unexpectedly when I'm taking psych meds and drinking alcohol.

I also haven't noticed any improvement in mood/craziness since going off the Pill. I won't go back on Yaz because of the risks that are worrying me, but I think I'll go on another version of the Pill. Sigh. I'm partly cheesed about this (Why can't we just MAKE UP OUR MINDS and do something permanent? Why can't we do better with birth control? Why are there so few birth control options, and all of them kind of crappy?) and partly relieved (like, "Oh, yes, THIS is why the Pill is best for us. I remember now").

Guest Constance #27

2010-08-16T09:26:00.000-04:00

[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]

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Dear Husband,

Back the FUCK OFF. I know you love me and I love you. I know we've discussed having kids and both really want them. However, I do not want to have them right this moment. We've only been married for 2(!) months. I know I'm selfish for wanting to spend some time with it just being the two of us. I'm not sorry for wanting to get the daily kinks of being married worked out before we bring a kid into the scenario. I'm not sorry, but that's what I want. Yes, we've been together for almost 3 years, living together for a good chunk of that, have a fantastic house that we both love and will grow old in, and yes, I hear that clock tickiing. Yes, some day there will be klutzy, angry little Z's running around our house, and while we will be knee deep in kid shit, we will love them more than the world. I want babies with you more than you know.

However, there are several reasons I want to hold off on the baby train temporarily. We've discussed them at length, on multiple occasions, and each time you agree with me. Yet, when people ask if we're having kids, STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES when I say they're down the road a bit. You and I have agreed that we will not try until next summer. If it happens in between now and then, it happens, and we will love the kid no matter what. We've agreed.. So, in front of all the world to see, I'm going to remind you for the 3,937th time why we are waiting until next summer to start trying.

1) We just got married in June. We moved in April. While this is our dream home and we will retire in this house, there are some things I'd like to have first. Exhibit A: A kitchen table so we can have meals at as a family. Furniture for the type of other rooms we previously never had. You and I are both pretty sound when it comes to money and even though we have credit cards, we refuse to use them. Even though we're both saving for retirement, long term savings, etc., we've both agreed to save some extra dinero each month to furnish this giant house so we can stop looking like hillbillies. I'm not talking furniture worthy of Buckingham Palace, but we can hold off 3-6 months so our kid can have a table to eat at and a time-out couch to go to in the living room.

2a) You just got your dream job in March. This has been a bigger time commitment than either of us saw coming. You are going into your busy season, where you are gone from 6 am-8 pm, then have to watch film at home to prep for the next game. I'd like to get one season under our belt before the pregnancy horomones overtake me so we both know what's coming on your end. I'm trying to support you while you are stressed and will not be able to do that as well with crazy pregnant hormones. We both know girl hormones make me crazy.

2b) Because of said job & busy season, we can't start trying immediately after the season is done, because I'd most likely be giving birth during your next season. Yes, you've wanted kids forever and come so super close to having kids with your ex-wife before she yanked that rug out from under you. I'm not sorry I want you to be able to bask in the first-time parents panic and glow while you aren't stressed about work. I'm not sorry I want you to have the time to bond with our child. I'm not sorry I want you to learn enough about changing diapers that you won't ask me for help every 3 seconds. During your busy season? You will be too busy for help and changing diapers my friend, is something you are just going to have to do. I'm not sorry I want you to be a parent from the get go,and I realize that you will need to have the confidence built up to know you can do it once a little Z is here. That is just not possible during your busy season.

3) I'm only 27 years old and you're only 32. We have time.

4) We've agreed to wait until next summer to start to try. Remember this and stop harrassing me.

I love you. Now come have sex with me for recreational purposes only.

Love,
Your New Wife

Guest Constance #26

2010-07-23T17:22:00.000-04:00

[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]

********
Dear Husband,

We have been married for 10 years. I love you more than I can even put into words. You see, we decided 9 years ago to buy our house. I told you when we bought our house that I did not want to live in this shit hole longer than 5 years. You promised me after 5 years no matter what, we would sell this piece of shit and move back to the town I am from. We live in a bad neighborhood in a not so nice part of town. I did not want to raise kids here. This neighborhood is dangerous. I was not raised in this crap and I will be damned if our kids are. 5 1/2 years ago we had our first baby. This child is now going into school next year. The schools in this neighborhood are horrible. Listen, I know, at the time this is what we could afford. I also know that you were raised in this house and so there is sentimental value for you and your family. We can sell this house for way more than we paid for it, we can afford to buy a house in the town I am from. I promise you. But, you HAVE to help me. I can't do it by myself. There is shit that needs to be done in order for us to sell this house. Your father, bless his heart, tries his best to help, he is an old man. He is also set in his ways and he and I do not see eye to eye on how things should be done around here and if I want something done a certain way and he doesn't want to do it that way, he just won't do it. You have got to stop working 6 days a week, 12 - 16 hours a day. It isn't making us any more money than if you worked 5 days a week 8 hours a day. I am sure this is why moving out of this house isn't so urgent for you, you are never here. I am stuck here all day every day. You need to focus on us, your family, and this shit pile that you make us live in. I am losing my mind over here and no matter what I say or do I just don't seem to be getting through to you.

Love,
Wife

Constance, Twitter-Style

2010-07-10T20:02:00.001-04:00

First month of no Pill. I used my barrier method. He did not use his. WTH? This is how we had our fifth child.

To Sleep, Perchance to Cool Off a Bit

2010-06-22T21:35:00.002-04:00

Mike and I just had a fight, so I'm at the peak of mad right now: before the point where I go over things more calmly and see things from his point of view as well as mine, before the point where I interpret what he said in anything but the worst possible light, before the point where it's morning and everything from the night before seems kind of silly and unreal.

The fight itself would sound stupid if I told you about it. I've mentioned that he set up this ISP tracking thing for me, so I can see who my anonymous commenters are. But it requires me to ask him to use it for me, which I find a little irritating, just a little. And anyway, tonight I was asking him about two different anonymous comments, one of which I answered and one of which I deleted, and he gave me all the info but failed to mention that they were THE SAME PERSON. And when he DID finally mention that fact, I burst into tears, which I know was kind of dumb, but I felt so overwhelmed already by having to SHADOWBOX, you know? Like, why does the blogging job, unlike most other jobs, involve just TAKING IT from people who get to completely hide themselves? That's so lame. And in this case, knowing that it was ONE commenter and not TWO would have made a BIG difference, and WHAT AM I ASKING MIKE FOR if not that VERY INFORMATION??? And then he said he HAD said so.

Well, anyway, you know how these things go, I presume: sometimes fights have nothing to do with what they seem to be about. It's like trying to describe why a dream was so scary when there wasn't anything inherently scary about it. In this case if I had to say what the fight was Really About, I'd say it was about my feeling that he sets up situations where I'm forced to count on him, but then he doesn't come through. And he'd probably say it was...well, who cares, at this point. I'm not yet ready to try to see things from his point of view. If you want his point of view, or a balanced account of things, wait for daylight.

In the meantime, we're in The Pits of Crapitude, where no one knows what the other one is thinking or how mad the other one is. I know people are always like "Don't go to bed angry!" but frankly that's what works for us: we got to bed angry, and when we wake up we're not mad anymore. We're both firstborns with tempers that burn hot but don't last long. If we try to work it out at 10:00 p.m., NO ONE is going to be happy with the results, but in the morning we're only going to have some embers to poke.

Also in the meantime, I'm re-thinking my comment-identifying situation. If I don't like the results I get when I rely on Mike, obviously the solution is to come up with a way to NOT have to rely on Mike. So I looked into various options, like switching to Wordpress or getting Disqus commenting forms.

But then I realized THIS: that finding out which of my commenters would be vicious to me if they didn't have to give their names has NEVER ONCE made me feel cheerful and happy. All it does is make me think, "Huh. If Person X would sweet-talk when her name's attached to it but then talk shit as soon as she thinks I can't see her, then maybe EVERYONE I KNOW would do the same thing," and that's hardly a useful train of thought, is it?

Sometimes it's satisfying, like when it turns out that four different vicious commenters are all the same person. Or sometimes it's comforting, like when someone says something anonymously that reminds me of someone I know in real life, and it's nice to be able to see that the commenter is from an entirely different part of the country. But what I'd THOUGHT would be awesome would be KNOWING WHO "ANONYMOUS" IS but all that does is depress me. I suppose if I were going to ACT on the information (confront the attacker! put laxatives in her brownies!) it would be one thing, but since all I do is hoard the information to myself, it's useless.

Well. Isn't this cheery. Especially with a nice hot topic on my regular blog, sure to be packed full of depressing anonymous comments. Time for bed.

Unwilling to Drop

2010-06-12T18:07:00.005-04:00

I am struggling recently with situations where someone I love very much has views that are repellent to me. My mom, of course, is an excellent example, with her ideas that homosexuality is (1) the mother's fault and (2) in the same league as wanting to marry farm animals or doorknobs. How am I supposed to continue a relationship with someone who could think such awful things? And yet the relationship continues, and happily too.

The recent situation is my Aunt Kathy. OH I love Aunt Kathy! I love her SO MUCH! She comes to visit my mom once or twice a year, and I go over every evening she's there. She's so fun. When she leaves, it's a post-Christmas-letdown feeling.

But my Aunt Kathy thinks President Obama is "in league with the Muslims" (our own country's religion is benevolent and moral, but another country's religion is crazy and scary), and she remarks in an arch tone that the gay best friend is always portrayed in such a positive light in movies (yes, normally the role of best friend is played as EVIL when it's a straight person, so it's weird that the gay best friend would be played as such a positive person!---oh wait), and when she mentions homosexuality it's in the context of the male principal who molested elementary school boys (that's PEDOPHILIA, just as it's pedophilia and not heterosexuality when a male principal molests elementary school girls).

My mom (who doesn't like Obama either, but she is at least able to act as if it's not because he's black and his name is OMINOUSLY UNFAMILIAR) said tentatively, "Well, but it IS good that our country is able to elect a black president," and my Aunt Kathy said, "WHY???? Why would it be???" Well, and if she doesn't know that it's because it means that our country is quite a bit less sickeningly racist as it was a mere 60 years ago, then I don't know who's going to explain it to her.

I don't know how to process these things. It's one thing when someone I know and love doesn't like scented laundry detergent (I love it), or doesn't drink coffee (I do), or doesn't drink alcohol (I do), or doesn't like cats (I do). It's another thing when someone I know and love is racist, or bigoted, or sexist, or religious, or thinks fatness is disgusting and deliberate, or thinks one group of people should be considered lesser than their own group of people, or is HORRIBLY HORRIBLY wrong about something VERY IMPORTANT. It's easy to unsubscribe from a hate-focused blog, or drop an acquaintance who holds an intolerable opinion. It's hard when it's someone I love and am not willing to drop. I don't know how to reconcile it.

The Ravages of Time

2010-06-03T18:20:00.006-04:00

You know what's kind of hard? Making a lifetime contract with a man, knowing full well that most men are idiotic babies who value youth and beauty above all else, and that youth and beauty will fade, and that most men are too dim to understand ahead of time the second of those two concepts. And then reaching the mid-to-late thirties, and seeing the beginning of what is clearly a long and unavoidable slope, and knowing that a woman can diet until she is in a state of perpetual hunger, a woman can exercise her thighs down to the muscular bone, a woman can pay too much money for wrinkle creams---but none of those things will prevent the ravages of time from, er, ravaging what is traditionally considered youth and beauty. We're all going to get old, and we can only wait and see if the men we've chosen are the good kind or the other kind. And what makes me want to BARF UP A LUNG is that there are ANY men (let alone as many men as there are) who throw away a partnership/family because they can't make themselves stick around once the youthful type of beauty is gone.

Trade-Off

2010-05-28T08:28:00.002-04:00

Ug, I dreamed last night I had a one-evening stand with a guy I had a two-evening sit (i.e., no Actual Doing It) with in high school. I dreamed I went to his house and then afterward he was talking romance and I just wanted to escape. I sneaked out and ran all the way home. I woke up feeling crappy.

********

I reduced my psychiatric medication to the previous dosage level and I feel MUCH MUCH BETTER. I can feel my MUSCLES again. This is embarrassing to describe but it's such an indicator of How I Feel that I'm going to describe it anyway: normally if I, say, lean down to get something out of the fridge drawer, I'll stretch a leg way out behind me for balance, just because it feels nice to stretch/balance that way, or if I go down the stairs I might sort of PRANCE, horse-leg-like, delaying on each foot with the knee bent, again just because it feels nice to use the muscle that way---and I've started doing things like that again after a long time of my muscles feeling too weak and tired for that.

Unfortunately, I've also been crabbier and more snappish. These trades are very hard to figure out.

Three Days Unmedicated

2010-05-12T12:50:00.006-04:00

Oh, uh. I forgot to take my psychiatric medication three days in a row. That is, today is the fourth day, so I've missed three entire doses. That's not good! Think I'd better start taking that again, huh? As soon as I remembered it (several hours late even for the fourth day) I took it, and now I feel a little light-headed.

Actually, I considered stopping altogether. No, no, not abruptly---I know that's a bad idea, though after missing three doses anyway I did let the idea flit briefly through my mind. But I did think maybe the three missed doses could be like an inadvertent diet jump-start (like stomach flu in the diet analogy), and I could cut back more quickly.

I'm not sure the medication's been helping, and certainly I've put on weight (though hard to know if that's connected), and it definitely reduces my energy (unfortunately I seem to be anxiety-fueled), and it makes me more worried about an accidental pregnancy because the medications I'm trying now would be bad for that.

And I've been trying different things since September of 2008, and I'm starting to get tired of this---especially after recently reading an article that presented a discouraging point of view about whether certain psychiatric medications (all the ones I've been trying, basically) work. Um, yay. Oh, and, AND! Mike found a bunch of stuff online about how a lot of people have found that one of the medications I'm on makes them CRAVE ALCOHOL! Awesome! I'd kind of like to go off EVERYTHING: off the anxiety stuff, off the Pill. And THEN see how things go.

Then I remembered that whenever I'm on psychiatric medication I'm thinking I should go off it, and whenever I'm off it I'm thinking I should go on it, and I decided to stay put for the time being. On the other hand, at least I have a psychiatrist now, so I could taper off and then it would be way easier to go back on if I wanted to. Well, I'm still thinking it over. My inclination is to plan on taking a break: taper off, then stop taking the Pill, then if that's a disaster go back on the Pill and then taper back on the psychiatric stuff.

Fine

2010-05-09T21:14:00.003-04:00

So, hi. Nothing exciting on any of my Personal Hot Issues: mother, religion, psychiatric medication, alcohol.

I've been drinking less because alcohol seems to mess with my sleep and I think good sleep can really help with a mood slump.

I need to see the psychiatrist for a medication-check (and probably adjustment), but she doesn't have any openings when I can be there: she abruptly stopped doing appointments after 2:00 in the afternoon and the receptionist didn't know why. I used to take her last appointment of the day so Mike would be home. So. Uh. I've been indecisive about what to do. I don't want Mike to have to take a whole day off of work (unpaid) for one single 15-minute appointment. I don't want to bring the kids either. This is one of those times when a person close to me might feel like shaking me and saying "OMG THIS IS NOT SO HARD, JUST FIND A SOLUTION. A babysitter! Calling the psychiatrist and telling her what the problem is! Just bring the kids, who cares? Change psychiatrists!" But I get overwhelmed and then I avoid it. Someday I'll suddenly buck up and solve it, but not today.

My mom and I are getting along fine. We've even had several conversations that involved religious issues and we both managed to sustain a light touch. She even laughed merrily at several cheeky things I said about how I felt God could better run the world and/or write the Bible and/or modify creation. And we talked briefly about how hard it was for me when I just abruptly STOPPED BELIEVING, and how it wasn't something I CHOSE or WANTED, it just HAPPENED and now I Don't Believe in the same way she Does Believe: neither one of us could reason our way to the opposite position, even if we wanted to. I used to have a really hard time backing down when she said something religious I felt I MUST argue with, but there were a couple times recently when she said something like that and I just redirected the conversation without addressing it at all, and it felt good to manage to do that. I still don't think I could handle a comment about Teh Gay Issue, but the run-of-the-mill things I seem to finally be learning to handle.

Mike and I are getting along fine. He's drinking alcohol regularly now, which has dramatically improved the problem we were having about that before, but he doesn't drink to excess. He has an easier time than I do just having a drink or two and not drinking any more: when I have a couple of drinks, I feel like, "This is GREAT! I'm going to keep having another drink every time the greatness starts to wear off!" He doesn't seem to do that.

One reason I don't understand my persistent mood slump is that everything IS going so fine.

Guest Constance #25

2010-04-23T15:48:00.000-04:00

[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]

********
I am fucking sick and tired of people telling me they wish I was “happy.” I AM fucking happy. Just because I don’t have a man and YOU have a man or you WANT a man and don’t feel you can be happy without one does not mean I feel the same. In fact, I feel VERY differently. I am single and I am happy. I am a single mother of a five year old and I try to make the most out of my time with her and on the weekends when she goes to her father’s, I hang out with friends and feel I have a very active social life.

Oh, you want me to be able to fall in love. Because if I fall in love I won’t be so concerned with what my ex-husband and the woman he left me for are up to. Maybe. Oh, you wish I wasn’t so worried about the fact that they got married yesterday. You wish it wouldn’t BOTHER me so much. Well let me tell YOU something. I know girls who are happily married and FLIP THE FUCK OUT when their ex BOYFRIENDS get engaged to someone else so I think you’d be hard pressed to find any woman who has WALKED A MILE IN MY SHOES and LIVED THROUGH WHAT I’VE LIVED THROUGH NOT be upset when her ex husband marries a whore who becomes our daughter’s step mom.

(Sorry for shouting. I get real emotional about this. I’m not really shouting at YOU, dear reader.)

I have been married and it sucked. Probably because I was married to the wrong person, yes. But please note that I LOVE living alone. I LOVE having my own space. I AM FIERCELY independent. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone at my home who could help out but guess what? I talk to you people about your husbands and you bitch about them being men and they don’t get it and they have to be told to do everything; and this is your second marriage and if this doesn’t work out, forget it, you’re going to play for the other team; and he’s cheating on me but you’re cheating on him…it’s a FUCKING MESS.

Maybe you are jealous. Maybe you realize that being a single parent is hard but that also I get the best of both worlds: I get time with my child, I can have the house any way I want without anyone telling me what to do or that I’m not doing it right or fast enough, AND I still get to have a social life. I get to go to happy hour and be with friends and stay out until 2am on a Saturday (every other) and sleep all day Sunday if I feel like it and you’re pissed because you can’t because you’re stuck at home with your husband man-child and your kid.

Either way, whatever the deal is, I really wish you would just GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK.

Whew

2010-03-22T10:17:00.002-04:00

There has been a possibly very good turn of events on the Alcohol Issue. As I mentioned before, I hadn't been doing any drinking at all since Mike got so upset that one night, and I know Mike noticed because he was acting kind of sheepish. I wanted to bring up the topic again but I also DREADED discussing it. Finally he brought it up by saying I could drink if I wanted to, and I said something gentle and caring such as "You have GOT to be kidding me!"

So our talk started out basically like the last talk, with me pointing out the differences between tipsiness and drunkenness, but this time I asked him some of the questions you asked ME last time: Was he worried I would become an alcoholic? Did HE think I had been drunk and not tipsy? Had he had a bad experience in the past? What WAS worrying him so much??

Then, again pulling from your comments, I asked what did he think would HELP. Would it help to watch movies with drunks in them, for comparison? Would it help to go to a bar and do some people-watching? Would he feel better if I were drinking wine rather than vodka? Should we Google tipsiness/drunkness/alcoholism? What if he tried to drink, to see what it felt like? HOW COULD WE CHANGE THINGS SO THAT I COULD DO WHAT I WANTED WITHOUT HIM CRYING??

So he Googled. Then he made both of us a very large drink, and then another, and we talked about what it felt like and whether he thought it felt like DANGEROUS CRAZY DRUNKENNESS. And then he said he was very, very sorry for being such an idiot. And he said it again the next day when he was no longer tipsy.

Guest Constance #24

2010-03-17T07:50:00.000-04:00

[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]

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Dear Mother In Law,

I think you are a horrible person. I think you are, and were, a terrible mother to your children. They are all damaged, some beyond repair, and it is 100% your fault. You are selfish, mean hearted and just awful to be around. Even your own sisters dislike you.

I told you I never wanted anything to do with you after you called my work and harassed my assistant. You asked personal and invasive questions about me to a complete stranger who happens to be one of my subordinates. And you have the nerve to tell my husband I am welcome in your home again? Fuck you bitch.

Karma is a funny thing, and I know your secret. I knew where to look when we were getting ready for the estate sale and now I know you had at least two affairs during your marriage. I know your youngest child was not fathered by your husband, and I know there was another man later on. I found the letter you wrote to him wondering why he had not had contact with you. I love that you were used and dumped.

But, you know what? I will die with your secret. I respect your family way more than you do, and will never tell them because it will make them hate you more than they already do. My husband doesn’t deserve to have to come to terms with your infidelity on top of all of the other ways you mistreated him. Your sisters don’t need more ammunition. One of your sons won’t believe it because he’s just like you.

So, of all the people in this crazy messed up family, I carry your secret. My keeping it has nothing to do with my loyalty to you, and everything to do with the fact that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt these wonderful, fragile people.

Yours,
One of the Daughters In Law who won’t have anything to do with you.

P.S. Your husband wears women’s underwear.

Constance Readers: Lest you judge me to quickly, following is a short list of some of MIL's antics. Read them before you decide I am the worst DIL in the history of the world.

1. MIL took BIL-4’s three children to church with her and had them baptized without their parents permission. The parents do not share her religious preferences and had chosen to allow the children to make their own decisions about religion and baptism. This was done solely so that she could stand with them in front of the congregation and receive the praise and adoration she longs for.

2. After the rehearsal of BIL-2’s wedding, MIL changed the music with the organist to a piece of her choosing without permission from the Bride or Groom, resulting in a bit of chaos at the end of the wedding. MIL later said she did it so that she could "leave her mark" on the wedding.

3. BIL-3 has a beautiful pre-teen daughter. As an infant she was not the cutest baby. MIL had in her possession a less than flattering baby snapshot she was planning on giving to Niece’s husband on their wedding day. She bragged about this and showed me the picture and told me her plan several times, calling Niece and ugly duckling. When I asked why she would do this she stated that it would be funny. I stole the picture several years ago.

4. As referenced above, MIL called my work and harassed our reception staff. My husband screens her calls and very seldom talks to her so instead she went through the effort of tracking down my work number and calling me. (We won’t give her my cell number and we don’t have a home phone.) When the front desk staff answered the phone and let her know I was not in the office she would not accept his offer to leave a message on my voicemail but kept asking where I was and stating she wanted to talk to me. He transferred the call to my department, where my assistant spoke with her. Again she did not take, “She’s not here.’ as an answer and demanded to know where I was. My assistant told her I was at an appointment and MIL went off on some rant asking if I was pregnant and other personal questions. The kicker is that she called again later in the day. I called her back and let her know that under no circumstances was she to ever call me at work, nor did I want any contact with her in any manner.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Carrying this has been stressful and I’ve wanted to get it off my chest but am not comfortable sharing it with anyone who might know my husband.

Wheep! Wheep!

2010-03-15T08:48:00.004-04:00

I thought things were going well with the alcohol thing. Whenever I had a drink, I made a "Wheep! wheep! wheep!" alarm sound, as we'd joked about during our discussion. Or I would take the drink to where he was and clear my throat and then drink it in an exaggerated way, and it really seemed to make things more lighthearted, even though I dislike the feeling of being Monitored. I decreased both the frequency and the quantity of the drinking, partly out of consideration for the way it might upset Mike and partly because it was a natural consequence of feeling Monitored.

The problem is, it's still upsetting Mike. He associates "tipsy" behavior with DANGEROUS DRUNKENNESS, despite our talk. So, for example, when I dozed off lightly in the recliner while reading, 15 minutes before bedtime, he was CRYING from the stress and worry of it. I have tranquilizers I could take instead of using alcohol as a tranquilizer, but they make me doze off, too. So does BEING IN THE RECLINER AT BEDTIME.

I don't know what's the right decision here---and by "right" I mean right for me and my household, not for other people and their households. On one hand I'm inclined to NOT upset Mike, obv: he's my husband and I'm fond of him and I don't like to see him upset, and also I think spouses should if possible both make changes that make the household happier for each other, especially if the change is a "doesn't matter either way" change to the spouse making the change.

On the other hand, I like drinking, and I don't think it's in the danger zone at my current level, and I feel like I'm good at NOTICING how much I'm drinking and how I'm reacting to it, and for me this doesn't fall into the "doesn't matter either way" category: I would MIND becoming a teetotaler just because my husband preferred it, just as I would mind becoming a vegetarian just because my husband preferred it. I think Mike is wrong in what he considers A Scary Sign---but of course, me thinking so doesn't change how he feels about it.

I stopped drinking completely after the night where I dozed off, and that seems to reassure him: that I can stop, and then day after day goes by and I am still stopped. But I wish this didn't have to be an ISSUE like this.

Guest Constance #23

2010-03-07T06:41:00.000-05:00

[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]

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Dear Mom,

I get it. You hated the marriage. You felt miserable and had felt that way for a while. You wanted out. I'm not defending him, and I'm not blaming you. Life happens.

You see, when you get a divorce and you've got kids, the divorce impacts not just you, but all of us. I know you were unhappy and it was the "best time" for you, but that's the point. The "best time" for you was a particularly crappy time for the rest of us. I'm not saying that you should have suffered for us (you made it very clear that you suffered plenty for us for the entire time we have existed), but seriously, you could have waited another 2 months. Life for all of us (including you!!) would have been better if you could have waited another 2 freaking months. He never abused you, he didn't treat you poorly, he didn't disrespect you, he never cheated. You two just didn't get along well. Still, you weren't happy. Fine. It takes two to tango, and he doesn't dance.

But after everything was signed and the dust had settled, why did you feel it necessary to tell me that you wish you had never become my mother? Why did you feel the need to rant telling me how I had ruined your life? I mean, I know it was me planned the whole conception thing and spent every waking moment of my life planning and carrying out plots to ruin your life... so I guess it's at least partially my fault. I guess it's also my fault that I required food and diapers and refused to thank you for taking care of me when I was 6 months old. What can I say, I was going through a phase and felt like being a b!tch. Sorry.

But let me quickly point out the tiny flaw in your logic: I was born AFTER you met my father, AFTER you got married, and AFTER you had my sister. I totally see how it was really ME who ruined your marriage.

Suck it,
Your daughter
(You know, the one standing between you and world peace, the cure for AIDS, and free chocolate for life)

P.S. Oh, and the whole "but I don't remember saying any of that" schtick is NOT COOL. You said it, you look guilty when I bring it up; just admit to it already so we can both move on.

Dear Sister,

I get it. You didn't want to deal with the divorce. So instead of coming home from college, you ran further away and went out of your way to find things to occupy your time. You called ONCE. You made sure I wasn't about to off myself, and that was it. I know you don't do emotions, but I needed someone else to help me. You're welcome, by the way. I'd had the pleasure of taking care of them in sickness and in craziness ever since you left. That's right. All the time in the hospitals and you couldn't bare to face them. They're doing fine now, no thanks to you.

Unexpected medical problems happen. But I have been on parental butt wiping/hospital schlepping/post-hospital care since I graduated from college 3 years ago, and your 1 week visits once a year are no longer cutting it since you have paid leave. I don't get to go out and have a beer because I have to do injections and dressing changes. I can't have friends over, I can't move out, and I can't have a 9-5 job because I have to be here every 3-4 hours for something. So sorry to be so whiny, but I don't want to hear another complaint from you about how you had to go visit another country on the company's expense account, how you were literally dragged out to a bar by your friends (again), or how you can't seem to spend all your money.

You get the parents now because I've taken them for the first 25 years, and I officially declare it YOUR TURN as and when I decide to HAVE A LIFE. You owe me. I'm calling it in. Get your butt back here for at least the next 7 years.

You're out drinking with friends, and it's time for me to do another diaper change,
Your sister

Reporting In

2010-03-03T15:55:00.003-05:00

The first time I drank too much was awhile back, a couple of months ago I think. I didn't drink more than usual but I'd eaten much less than usual, so what happened was I felt so drowsy I was queasy, and I went to bed at 7:30.

Last night was the second time. I didn't notice it so much at the time; I noticed it this morning. I still didn't get a hangover, but what I'm finding exceedingly unpleasant is frequent thoughts along the lines of "Wait...did I brush the kids' teeth last night?" and "I don't really remember getting him into his pajamas last night."

There aren't any actual blanks: each unpleasant struggle to remember is followed by the ability to remember, albeit foggily and after too long a pause. But I'd really, REALLY like to never do that again. I HATE this feeling.

Also, the time SPED by last night. I couldn't believe how quickly it was 8:00, then 10:00. I didn't like that, either. Then my sleep was disrupted: I had lots of dreams and I kept waking up again and again. Bleah.

This morning I was STARVING and had a huge serving of leftover chicken and baked potato for breakfast. I didn't want to drink coffee because I want to make my sleep as good as possible tonight, so I felt foggy all morning and I dozed off while the 2-year-old was napping.

So anyway, I'm just reporting in. I like Jess's idea of consciously tracking the drinking the way someone might consciously track eating. I also like the idea of being accountable for missteps, and for now this is a good place for me to do that---I don't really want to confide in Mike about it. I'm not going to drink today or Friday; I do plan to drink tomorrow and Saturday for bow-chicka-bow-bow reasons, but I'm going to keep it light and then I have no plans to drink for the week following, though no plans NOT to either so we'll see how things work out. Okay, so anyway, thanks for letting me check in.

Further Thoughts on Alcohol

2010-02-28T12:08:00.003-05:00

It took me nearly a week to talk to Mike about his drinking-related remarks. He'd emailed me those comments from work and I hadn't replied because I didn't know what to say; when he came home he was fretful about my non-reply and worried that he'd upset me, and my response was something along the lines of "DUH!"

One marriage issue we have (it can be negative or positive depending on what is going on) is that Mike is the Flare Up And Forget It type, whereas I am a Resentful Brooder. So, like, the next day he'd forgotten about the whole thing and was cheery and normal, and I was still feeling flattened. This does buy me time to think.

With a subject like alcohol, I didn't even KNOW what I thought about what he'd said. On one hand I thought he was wrong; on the other hand, isn't it CLASSIC that people with alcohol problems don't think they have a problem? I mean, that's why the first step is ADMITTING IT: because it's so standard NOT TO.

And no one in my family/friends has been a Public Alcoholic---that is, surely there were alcoholics in my family/friends just as in anyone else's, but I never saw anyone I knew was drunk, nor did I ever look back and think, "Ohhhhh, I see, she was an ALCOHOLIC!," nor did anyone I knew ever participate in an alcohol program or have a DUI or liver problems or a red nose or ANYTHING. The only drinkers in our family are more the "two whiskey sours before dinner when we have guests" type. So what do I know about what's a normal/dangerous level of alcohol? Maybe Mike was RIGHT.

So all week I kept thinking of points, and of reasons why the points might be no good.

Point: I haven't had a drink for a week. I have way more trouble giving up sweets---and in fact have probably never managed to give up sweets for a week. Surely that means I don't have a problem (except maybe with sweets).

Counterpoint: People with drinking problems are always claiming to be able to take it or leave it. And the fact that I don't like giving it up might Mean Something.

Point: Yes, I'd prefer to drink, so of course I mind giving it up. There are lots of things I'd rather not give up, but that doesn't mean I have a PROBLEM. I don't want to give up pizza, either, and if I tried to give it up I'd probably think about it every day, but that doesn't mean I should attend a Pizzaholics Anonymous meeting, it just means I like pizza and I don't want to stop eating it.

Counterpoint: Whenever anyone says they DON'T have a problem, that's usually used as evidence that they DO.

Point: I've never had a hangover.

Counterpoint: I don't know if a person has to have hangovers for it to be a problem.

Point: A commenter on the last post said she was an alcoholic from an alcoholic family and that I sounded like an alcoholic too.

Counterpoint: It's always hard to interpret things said to/from a stranger---either party could be misunderstanding/misrepresenting the situation. And my guess is that to an alcoholic, pretty much everyone sounds like an alcoholic.

Point: I seem to have a high tolerance for alcohol. I can drink four shots of vodka and feel only slightly tipsy. Me drinking "a lot" is not the same as someone with a lower tolerance drinking a lot.

Counterpoint: Maybe the high tolerance means I'm Different From Other People, and D.F.O.P. might mean Alcoholic Tendencies. Also, maybe I THINK I'm only tipsy but I'm actually drunk. There are probably people who have NO IDEA how drunk they are when they're drunk. Also: my LIVER might not have a high tolerance---so I could be doing drunk damage for only a tipsy benefit. Perhaps this means alcohol is not the right Vice Of Choice for me and I should try pot instead (KIDDING).

Point: I've never had a problem remembering what happened when I was drinking, or regretting my behavior afterward. I'm pretty sure that means I'm only tipsy.

Counterpoint: Maybe I AM having trouble remembering, but I'm not remembering it.

Point: But if I SMELL bad!

Counterpoint: We don't really know what Mike meant by that, or if maybe he's motivated by something else.

Point: If a family member confronts me about drinking, that means a problem, doesn't it?

Counterpoint: Not if that family member answered Child #1's "What does someone act like when they're 'drunk'?" by saying, "Sometimes the person is sleepy, or acts a little silly, or gets a little cranky." That's really NOT a definition of drunkenness. I would have said more like "Sometimes the person falls down, or falls asleep in the front yard, or crashes the car, or sings loudly in public, or gets in a fist-fight, or can't remember the next morning what they did."

Point: But if I don't KNOW if I have a problem or not, doesn't that mean I probably DO?

Counterpoint: Or it could mean I lack sufficient points of reference, tend to overthink things, and am confused by someone who ALSO lacks sufficient points of reference.

ANYWAY. So finally I talked with Mike about it, and it was a good talk and it went well. It sounds to me as if his main concern was worrying that I was drinking "sneakily," and he asked if I could continue drinking as before but bring my drink to where we both were instead of drinking it elsewhere. Which would be fine, except that I hate the taste of alcohol so I drink it fast: I pour a shot, mix it with juice or soda, and slug it back. So then we started joking about how I should bring that into the living room and clear my throat ostentatiously so he could watch while I slugged it back, or how we should have a PA system for announcements: "Attention spouse! I am Taking A Drink!"

Also, it turned out that he was concerned because I'd gone through more than a bottle of vodka in a week (ug, I hate the feeling of being MONITORED), but that was the week I made a quart of vanilla. Using a quart of vodka.

And he was also upset because he said it changed my sleeping habits, and I said, "You mean the way I go to sleep within 5 minutes like you do, instead of lying awake for an hour fretting?" and he was like, "..." And he said it made me "listless" in the evenings and I asked if he'd noticed I was ALWAYS listless in the evenings, and that I thought "mellow and listless" was better than "fretting and listless," and again he was like, "..."

And he said the booze smell he meant was only on my breath, not coming from my pores.

And I brought up our differing definitions of drunk, and how different people have different tolerances, and I asked if he thought I'd been ACTING drunk, and he said he guessed he didn't really know anything about it and might have been worried about nothing. He said he'd been concerned, and I said it hadn't sounded like concern, it had sounded like contempt, and he said he was sorry and had over-cheesed me. And I talked a little more about how I didn't like the way he'd brought it up OR the tone he'd used, and also how I didn't KNOW if he was right or not.

So now he's feeling bad about it and doing conciliatory things, and I'm still fretting about what if I DO have a problem. My plan is to go back to drinking when I want to, but it seems like it's not a bad thing at all to be frequently thinking about it and being aware of it.

Cutbacks

2010-02-23T14:19:00.002-05:00

Mike mentioned today that when I drink I smell bad. This is hurtful and useful information. I knew that lots of liquors gave the drinker bad boozy breath/pores, but I'd heard/read long ago that vodka didn't, so I stuck to vodka. I sniffed my skin and clothes to double-check but never noticed anything. So I guess I'm glad to know from someone who HAS noticed, because certainly I noticed the aroma of that drunk guy on the plane---though I thought a big part of that was related to apparent unbathedness and not just the beer he was drinking---and certainly I would not want to smell the same way.

Mike in fact brought up my drinking in general, and I'm not sure how to take it. On one hand, I think that if a spouse or family member brings up drinking it's a HUGE warning sign and best to take it very seriously. On the other hand, Mike doesn't drink and he disapproves of it and looks down on it even more than he looks down on coffee drinkers (he gets this from his mom, I think: she was SO PROUD of how she didn't "use" caffeine or alcohol), so it's hard to know how seriously to take him. Plus, I'm mad at him for the way he brought it up, which was to passive-aggressively trick me into asking.

For now, since there's no real reason NOT to stop drinking other than annoyance at being lectured and also the loss of something I was finding very useful to help me switch gears from Mothah to Lovah, I guess I'll stop or at least cut wayyyyy back. I really DON'T want to smell bad.

The Verdict

2010-02-19T13:03:00.004-05:00

I would go so far as to suggest we ALL just ROUTINELY consult a jury of our peers for emotionally-complex decisions. I was genuinely taken aback when ALL OF YOU agreed that I should NOT pay my ex-husband back for our divorce.

If you'd asked me beforehand what I thought the comments section would look like, I would have said I expected about a 50-50 split, with a large percentage of the "no, don't do it" comments dismissible for various reasons. Like, I expected to be sitting here thinking, "You are SO NICE to be trying so hard to save me from this awful responsibility, but we both know it's the ethically correct way." Or like when that one blogger, I forget who, got so much backlash for failing to return a small toy she hadn't noticed her child taking from a store: I thought there might be even VIGOROUS DEBATE about whether it was excusable or non-excusable to fail to pay him back, and HOW excusable/non-excusable it was, but I didn't think anyone would be arguing it was WRONG to pay him back (the equivalent, I was thinking, of returning the toy to the store). And yet that was the gist of it: that not only was it not the Ethical Good Idea I thought it was, it was in fact a Bad Idea! That it was NOT equivalent to returning a mistakenly-taken toy to the store, but more the equivalent of, well, I can't think of an equivalent but suffice it to say a BAD IDEA.

I was completely set back on my heels. Before writing that post, I had found my ex-husband's Facebook account, clicked "send message," and mostly composed the message where I said it was unfair that he'd had to pay for it and that I'd like to pay him back. I'd clicked away from it ONLY because I didn't want to be too impulsive: the idea had hit me like lightning and I'd been typing 5 minutes later, and that seemed too hasty. Plus, I'd thought it would be an interesting subject to discuss.

And at first, when the "Oh, honey, are you a little bit, um, crazy?" comments began, I was resistant. I thought, "Well, I don't have to TAKE the advice I asked for." But there were so many people I RESPECT who commented, and ALL of them agreed, and I thought if nothing else that meant the situation needed further thought. And after the further thought, I'm taking your advice.

A Jury of My Peers

2010-02-04T10:50:00.009-05:00

May I ask your opinion on something? I will have to simplify to keep things a reasonable length, but I will try not to oversimplify to the point of clouding your ability to make a judgment.

About 15 years ago, my first husband Todd and I got a divorce. I did nothing but sign papers: Todd found the lawyer, paid the lawyer, etc. I thought it was pretty ridiculous that he hired a big-deal aggressive divorce lawyer for a simple uncontested divorce with no real estate or children to divide up, but whatever, he paid for it so what do I care.

Well. All these years, and it only today occurred to me that it was really unfair that Todd had to pay for the divorce, since the divorce was my fault (that's a pretty obvious oversimplification, but a jury of my peers would agree that if one party had to be assigned blame, it would clearly be me). It's true I couldn't have afforded to pay for it; it's true he spent more money than I would have on it; it's true he was motivated to get it done before he left the country---but the facts remain that the divorce was primarily my fault and that it is unfair that he had to foot the bill.

Todd and I have had zero contact since then. I found him online and learned that he's married, he has children, he's living in another country doing good works. I still dislike him and feel glad/relieved to be out of the marriage, but I don't feel like he's a Bad Guy AT ALL---well, I mean no more bad than any normal human being with their regular batch of flaws and so forth.

The question I want to ask you is tricky to phrase, but basically what I want to ask is if you think I should fix the unfairness by offering to reimburse him. At this stage I don't want to take Mike into consideration; let's oversimplify him out of it for now.

Things going through my head:

1. What if Todd says, "Great! It was $7,500." ACK.

2. Even if it's not that much, it's not going to be $100---it's going to be an amount that will be hard to pay and may require a payment plan. ACK.

3. Paying for it WOULD make it a big deal that he'd chosen such an expensive route, and I don't think it would be fair for me to have to pay for what were unnecessary expenses, since if I'd paid for it at the time I wouldn't have chosen them. But there's no way to go back in time and change how much he spent, and I think offering to pay PART is worse than not offering anything, since it would bring to mind how at-fault I was and perhaps start a useless argument about overspending for divorce lawyers.

4. I really, really, really don't want to be in touch with him again.

5. It's highly likely his parents paid for it.

6. He could interpret this badly, like that I'm trying to make myself feel less guilty about something he thinks I should continue to feel guilt for. Reimbursing him WOULD make me feel better about Justice Being Done, and I suppose also feel better about myself for having done justice, but it wouldn't make me feel, for example, that I'd bought myself out of blame. It would only make me feel better about how the practical consequences had been handled---as if things had been handled more the way they should have been handled.

7. What if, in fact, he turns me down and says bad things in that self-righteous tone of his, things that make me angry and upset? He was pretty awful during the divorce and didn't show much appreciation for fairness at the time.

8. OMG, after all these years maybe it would be better to just LEAVE IT ALONE.

9. Are my motivations even close to good here? Maybe I AM just trying to make myself look good.

Fifteen Years Too Late

2010-02-03T17:32:00.001-05:00

I feel ridiculous talking about booze in my mid-thirties: it's like talking about French kissing in my mid-thirties: the time for talking about it with interested peers has PASSED. But I skipped the alcohol thing in my college years and twenties, so now I'm just getting to the "Hey, does drinking make you REALLY HUNGRY?" and "How comes sometimes alcohol makes me feel GREAT and other times it just makes me super-crabby, and how can I make it more likely to be the former?" and "How come I can drink 4 ounces of vodka in one drink and barely feel it? Is that...weird? Or just a sign that a drinking habit would be really expensive for me?" and "How much of this can I do before I have to start worrying about my liver?" stuff that everyone else got bored with before they were even of legal drinking age.

I mentioned before that I'd never had a hangover, and that trend continues. One evening I drank enough that I couldn't stay awake and went to bed at 7:30 in the evening---and I STILL had no noticeable after-affects other than waking up at about 3:30 in the morning feeling perky and ready for the day to begin after 8 hours' sleep. This makes me want to compare notes. What's typical, and what's not? It is really too bad we are not a group of 20-year-olds.

PREFER But Not DEMAND

2010-01-13T08:48:00.001-05:00

I really have been feeling blicky lately. A big contributing factor is the comments section (and resulting internet kerfuffle) on my "the difficulties of coming out as a plus-sized person" post: it's one thing to know that many people in society feel a certain way about it, and it's another thing to see it in action. But of course there were many, many wonderful comments on that post too, and many wonderful emails, so obviously there is a problem here with giving too much weight (er, as it were) to the views of people demonstrating some of the difficulties.

Not that this "giving too much weight" is an original-to-me kind of problem. Why wouldn't we all just shrug and think who cares what other people think? But we just DON'T, do we? It's part of being human. I don't even think it's particularly valuable to try to "not care what other people think." I think that is, in fact, what leads to people being thoughtless, inconsiderate, and unempathetic. Still, "not caring TOO MUCH" would be a useful compromise between "being human" and "over-suffering for it."

Where was I? Oh, yes: so the reality-check of that post has been very unpleasant, but that's not the only thing that's wrong. I'd say that what's wrong is that something like that has the ability to knock me right off course for awhile. It was the same after my post about gay marriage, and it's odd because in both cases I ALREADY KNEW that people---MANY people---disagreed with me, so why in both cases was my faith in the goodness of the world undermined? I can't explain it, but it was, both times.

One of the reasons I'm taking psychiatric medicine is to help with this problem. One small (or even one LARGE) incident shouldn't be enough to do this to me. A family tragedy, sure. A national tragedy, sure. Listening to people spelling out the way they feel about the personalities/lives/problems of people who carry extra body weight? No.

I can't tell if the medication helps or not, because it's not possible to experience the exact same situation twice, once with medication and once without. Perhaps without the medication I would have a had a far worse problem with it. But suffice it to say it doesn't SOLVE the problem or we wouldn't be here right now talking about it. I have tranquilizers I'm supposed to take when there is a situation causing extra stress, but the tranquilizers just make me feel sleepy and depressed.

Instead I'm trying a book on cognitive-behavioral therapy. It's pretty good. My biggest take-away from it so far is "I can PREFER that ___, but I can't DEMAND that ___." For example, I can PREFER that people understand my point of view, but I can't DEMAND that they understand. I can PREFER that society didn't associate body size and shape with everything they do in fact associate it with, but I can't demand that reality change around me just because I wish it would / think it should.

You might think this wouldn't help, because DUH we can't force reality to change for our wishes. But there CAN be a feeling that, for example, if we could JUST EXPLAIN THINGS MORE CLEARLY the other person (the person who is WRONG) would see the light. My mother certainly feels that way about her religion, and we all probably feel that way about many of the things we feel strongly about: if ONLY people UNDERSTOOD, they WOULD agree, so it must just be that they DON'T GET IT rather than that they DISAGREE WITH OUR OBVIOUS RIGHTNESS. The prefer/demand helps me to remember that it DOES NOT MATTER whether or not that's the case, I can't force it to happen by obsessing about it and composing mental arguments about it.

Well, and is it WORKING? Sort of. Not enough, but I'm not sure anything works to completely counteract this kind of thing. My goal isn't to eliminate this problem (and/or personality trait), but only to reduce the effects of it and make things less uncomfortable.

Fling Vs. Fling

2010-01-12T08:34:00.003-05:00

Last night I dreamed I had a little fling with an ex. Often when I have dreams like this, in the dream I'm unattached and childless, but last night I was dreaming I was in my exact position: married, children, etc. In the dream I was kind of like, "Huh. So I'm actually doing this. It's not really what I would have expected myself to do, but it also doesn't seem like much of a big deal now that I'm actually doing it rather than just thinking about it in theory."

Anyway, in the dream I was thinking that part of the reason the fling wasn't a big deal was that it was someone I had already had a fling with, and it hadn't worked out, so in this case there was (1) no fresh activity and (2) no danger of falling for the guy.

Well of course that's crap, but on the other hand there's some part to it I might believe. It DOES seem like less of a big deal to do something with an ex. Well, or does it seem WORSE, because it's going back to something that may have already been a perceived threat?

Not that it matters, since it was a dream. But I am curious to know: if you had a fling with an ex, would you consider it MORE of a crime or LESS of a crime than having a fling with someone new? And if your significant other had a fling with an ex, would that seem BETTER or WORSE than if he/she had a fling with someone new?

If It's the Right Thing

2009-11-09T16:12:00.002-05:00

When my mother-in-law visited, she told my mom about a plan that sounded to my mom like a Very Bad Idea. It involved my mother-in-law teaming up with someone who was currently in prison but would be out in a year, and buying a big semi-truck together and earning their living being truckers together.

Yes. My mother-in-law. This was her plan. I dearly wish she had told ME about it instead of just telling my mom, but at least she went into a lot of detail with my mom.

My mom and I talked about this a lonnnng time. Basic gist of conversation: "!!!!!!!" For one thing, it seems so out of character for my mother-in-law. But also, we thought it sounded like a con. It sounded to us like the most likely thing would be that the guy would want her to give him "her half" of the money so he could go buy the truck---and then he'd vanish. We suspected she'd sell her house to raise the money. Of course, this is all TOTAL SPECULATION. Maybe he was a stand-up guy and DID have money for half a truck and DID want to travel the country with....well, why WOULD he want to travel the country with her? Well, but maybe he did.

But in any case, my mom, hearing the details, was absolutely certain it was a con, and was certain that my mother-in-law would end up with no money, having been made a fool of by a horrible evil person. My mom was in a near PANIC about this. She said to me it would almost be better if my mother-in-law died than go through something so humiliating and so destituting.

My mom is religious, as you know. So she prayed, and what she prayed was that IF it fit into God's Plan, and IF it was the right thing to pray for, could my mother-in-law die before this happened to her---leaving her dignity and her estate intact.

This was three weeks before my mother-in-law died, so you can see how my mom is feeling a little funny right now, and also why she's very glad that she prayed "if it's the right thing."

Working for Now

2009-10-21T18:08:00.004-04:00

Here is what is working for us right now, sex-wise, in this current stage of life (a mix of children, psychiatric side effects, birth control side effects, and general busyness/distractedness, plus a disagreement about how many children to have and various household frustrations): We have sex once a week on an established day.

On one hand, this is not my ideal. I don't like the Fussy Planning feeling of it, the twin-beds-and-scheduled-intimacy feeling. But that's just the feeling of the IDEA, if you see what I mean. It's not the feeling I get from the actual PRACTICE of it. And, happily, once the system is in place, there need be no more discussion of the idea.

I like the way I know it's going to happen and so can work on shifting mental gears: I always have The Next Five Things in my head, and so getting pawed at when I'm trying to focus on remembering chores/errands is unpleasant, but if I put The Sex on my list, I can mentally clear the schedule for it.

I like the way I know there will be a certain minimum of activity, no matter what happens the rest of the week. I like the way it keeps things up and running, so that an Inappropriate Resistance doesn't accumulate merely from a lack of usage.

I also like the way it makes me feel more free to say no, because I know HE knows there is that certain minimum he will definitely get.

I like the way it gives me a heads-up to add a little alcohol in advance.

This arrangement won't last forever. Every couple has Their Issue, and our issue is sex, and so I know it will be a problem again: in my experience, people who Want It More are NEVER really satisfied with someone who Wants It Less, no matter what arrangements are made: they're chronically dissatisfied, chronically certain other people are having better sex lives than they are. But this is working for now.

Hangover

2009-10-13T18:14:00.002-04:00

I am a little drinky tonight, and there is on one hand NO NEED because mother-in-law is GONE GONE GONE, but on the other hand MIL Gone meant husband-in-law was looking for a little something, and okay it was kind of my idea too, but anyway vodka was involved, and I swear, vodka is the best thing to happen for sex since TEENAGERS.

Also, here is what I would like to know: why have I never had a hangover? It seems like if I drink enough to be all WOOOOOOOOOOO and tippy, I should pay the price in the morning. How much do you have to drink to get a hangover? Not that I want one. I'm just curious.

Think of Her as Kevin Federline

2009-10-12T10:05:00.001-04:00

This visit, I've had an insight into my mother-in-law's behavior. By profession, she works in a home for adults with severe developmental disabilities. I think this has given her an inflated sense of her own intelligence and competence. I think it has also given her certain habits of interpersonal behavior (i.e., telling adults what to do) that have carried over inappropriately into other, non-work relationships. And then let's say that first one a second time: I think it has given her an inflated sense of her own intelligence and competence.

I would also like to take a minute to speak badly of her former husband, my father-in-law. He doesn't get much press time because he's absent, and there aren't many good anecdotes about absence. One reason I put up with my mother-in-law is that as much as I dislike her, I approve of what she's doing: she's regularly traveling a long distance at considerable expense in order to visit her grandchildren. We never visit her, so she comes to us. I may feel like drugging her tea, but I like the concept of her visits, and I hope that if I drive my future daughters-in-law batcrap crazy (and I think statistically it's likely to happen with at least one) they will nevertheless support the concept of me visiting my grandchildren. And I hope I'll drive them nuts more in the "buys WAYYYYY too much crap we don't want or need" category rather than in the "rolls her eyes and does jazz hands until homicide seems like a viable option" category.

My father-in-law, on the other hand, hasn't ever visited. We let him know about each child's birth, and he doesn't respond. I send a packet of photos every month, and he doesn't respond. I send periodic email updates on how we're doing and how the kids are doing, and he doesn't respond. I send an annual Christmas package (this is something I go back and forth on, also annually) and he never responds. The only time we hear from him is every couple of years when he emails me to tell me about his journey to find himself, and to place blame on everyone and everything except himself for his inexplicable behavior (it was a childhood brain illness! it was his upbringing! it's because everyone spreads lies about him!). Then he disappears for another couple of years.

You know how at first it was so appalling that Britney Spears married that pinehole Kevin Federline, and then pretty soon it was like, "I never thought I'd say this but Britney Spears is making Kevin Federline look good." My father-in-law is the Britney Spears to my mother-in-law's Kevin Federline.

MIL Report, Day 8

2009-10-11T11:04:00.001-04:00

My mother-in-law has the greatest respect for a former co-worker, EVEN THOUGH the former co-worker is a Mormon. Despite being a Mormon, that former co-worker is a real good person in many ways!

My mother-in-law didn't vote for Obama, herself, not because she's racist. She thinks it would be GOOD to someday have A Black in office! Just not THIS PARTICULAR Black. The fact that she didn't vote for him reflects positively on her: she is SO AWARE that Blacks = People Too, she can even distinguish one from another!

I was looking for a puzzle piece. She said archly that if I cleaned under my couch she thought I'd find a WHOLE LOT of missing things.

I brought up a bag of chocolate chips from the supply in the downstairs pantry, which is located in the part of the basement reserved for storage and workshop. She commented she'd noticed I wouldn't need to buy chocolate chips for a good long time, heavens no! When was she inspecting the pantry, I wonder?

I came home from the store. She asked what AMAZING BARGAINS I'd found today. Jazz hands and rolling eyes.

She said she needed to know where our hand mixer was. I guess I don't expect her to keep a mental inventory of everything in our kitchen, but I think we've had the "We don't have a hand mixer" conversation more than half a dozen times now, so I'd expect it to sink in eventually. Instead, when I said "We don't have a hand mixer," she made this face:

Except her eyes were way buggier, and rolling around in her head, and she swung her face from side to side in addition to clapping her hands to the sides of it, and she made a loud strangling sound. I said, "Yes, I don't know how, but somehow we've managed to survive all these years without one. It's a wonder any of us are alive." I said it like I was being funny. I was not feeling funny.

During dinner, she said out of the blue that she'd once been to this restaurant where they had "Lumpy mashed potatoes" on the menu. She couldn't figure out WHY anyone would WANT lumpy potatoes. That is just NUTS. Why would you BRAG that your mashed potatoes had lumps? She supposed it proved they weren't from a box, but LUMPS? Bleah! ...Do I need to specifically say that at this dinner we were eating mashed potatoes and that they contained the occasional lump, or do you know my MIL by now?

Minivans

2009-10-08T21:44:00.002-04:00

I don't know WHY people are always making fun of how unsexy minivans are. They are WAY easier to have sex in than regular cars.

MIL Report, Day 5

2009-10-08T11:06:00.000-04:00

Marie asked if knowing I could blog each thing my MIL said made it easier to deal with. YES. In fact, it makes it like a GAME. She says something and I think, "Yay!" and I jot it down. If she goes too long without saying anything, I start getting anxious: "I'll have nothing to say! I'll have to say she's being fine and there's nothing to report!" It reminds me of the fun of blogging dieting/exercising/cleaning stuff: shared sorrow is doubled joy.

And so dawns Day 5. Ah, Day 5. Day 5 is when, if she were staying a week, I'd be thinking, "I THINK I can make it. Just two more days." The time she came for 2.5 weeks, I was thinking...well, I was thinking some dark, dark thoughts, and they involved shovels and moonlit fields and mysterious disappearances. For this visit, when there are 10 days but only if I count the arrival day, when she didn't arrive until after lunch, and the departure day, when she's leaving early in the morning---and I DO INDEED count those days, not with other houseguests but with her---I'm pretty sure I can make it but goshy-gee 7 days would be better.

Day 5 is, I think, the day she settles in. She's not feeling nervous or awkward anymore.

1. I bought 4yo daughter two 2-packs of belts (on 75% off!) at Target, not because the child NEEDS four more belts but because I couldn't decide between the two 2-packs (and because they were 75% off!). My mother-in-law had several things to say on the topic of belts, in addition to saying every 10 minutes or so, "Constance! [Child] needs those pants pulled up again!":

1a. I was saying the problem was that if I made 4yo daughter's belt tight enough to keep the pants up, it would bisect her. MIL: "Yes, well, the day will come when we'll all be looking back and saying remember when 4yo Daughter had no hips?" Er, no. I don't think we WILL be doing that. And I think that anyone who DOES choose to say such a thing can say hello to that shovel I mentioned earlier.

1b. We were at a store and 4yo daughter saw a belt she liked and asked if we could buy it. My MIL said to her, "I know a certain little girl who has puh-LENty of belts, considering she can only wear one at a time!"

2. My MIL wanted to go to Walmart to buy the kids their Christmas presents, to avoid shipping costs. (She takes stuff to one of those mailing stores. I don't think she realizes they charge A MILLION DOLLARS MORE than the already-expensive post office.) She suggested she get clothes, because "HEAVEN KNOWS they don't need any more TOYS."

3. Yesterday evening the topic of milk came up (no, I don't know how it came up---what am I, a court reporter?), and she said she just never could stand the taste of it, didn't like it as a child and didn't like it any better now. I said my mom didn't like it either, but that I did like it, and that I was hoping that would help me avoid the osteoporosis my mom's side of the family has had trouble with. My MIL: "Oh, I think that's more a problem with petite women, and I really don't think you qualify." Me: "...Uh...I... [*mind searching desperately for ANY response*] ...Well, both my grandma and my mom..." Mother-in-law, interrupting me to repeat herself: "I'm just saying, that's really only slightly-built women who have trouble with that, and I really don't think you qualify." Me: *picks up a notepad and pen and wrote it down*

3b. Have I mentioned before the way she will repeat her first point nearly verbatim, as if making a second point? Well, she does do that. She'll make her point, and if you argue with her, or if you make your own point, she'll repeat her own point JUST AS IF she is refuting your point or shoring up her own argument, but she is saying THE SAME THING. It is nearly impossible to continue the argument without following her lead and repeating your own point a second time.

MIL Report, Day 4

2009-10-07T11:10:00.002-04:00

I will start with the boring part, which is that the visit is going Fine so far. It nearly always DOES go fine for the first few days, before she gets comfortable. I still don't like her, I'm not enjoying the visit, but I'm not SUFFERING. And it REALLY HELPS that this time we're doing things the way we usually do them (and looking like experts at it even though she disapproves) rather than doing things the way she would approve of them (and looking like total incompetents). All right, now for the venty examples:

1. 10yo son and 8yo son came home from school. SHE ASKED THEM if they'd done their homework, then reported to me: "I just got the old 'I did my homework on the bus'" and rolled her eyes. Which, um. I checked, and they HAD done their homework on the bus, and also? Why is she getting involved in this AT ALL?

2. 10yo son and 8yo son wanted to learn how to knit, so she taught them. My mom taught 8yo son last year; he hasn't knit since then but picked it up quickly. 10yo has never knit before. After no kidding LESS THAN AN HOUR she pulled me aside and said, "8yo Son may make a knitter. 10yo Son? No"---with a pfff and a totally dismissive tone. NICE. He's TEN YEARS OLD and this is his FIRST TIME KNITTING. And he was DOING IT: he has two inches of knitted stuff already.

3. We went to the store and she kept speaking firmly to the children. I wrote "sharply" there first, but it wasn't quiiiiiite sharp. BRISK, though, and authoritative. "4yo Son! Stop that! Come here and hold my hand! Come on now, you didn't get hurt!" And I gave 2yo son things to play with, and he was doing NO HARM and she kept taking things away from him. After I several times gave them back to him, she started instead lunging as if to take them, then correcting herself, then saying to me, "We'd better take those away from him, don't you think?" I'll repeat: NO HARM was being done to the items. And they were things _I_ was buying.

4. First she made several "funny" remarks about my bargain shopping. "Oh, Constance and her 75% off!" with a little head waggle and widened eyes and jazz hands. Then, later, she told a lonnnnng anecdote about her stupid sister who always buys stuff she doesn't need and doesn't like "but it was ON SALE!"---using "stupid sister" tone of voice. The "but it was ON SALE!" chorus was repeated half a dozen times as her stupid sister was stupider and stupider about her purchases, which---and I'm sure this was pure coincidence---my mother-in-law remembered had been 75% off. This for purchases made back when she and her sister lived at home with their parents, and in her sister's early homeowning days nearly 50 years ago.

5. At the table, in "I am repeating the tone of someone I saw on TV" voice: "Americans eat FAR too much salt!" (For the FIRST TIME EVER I pulled off the kind of response I always MEAN to give when she makes such pronouncements: I said "Mmmmmmmmmmm....salllllllllt.") This WHOLE salt thing is because she personally has high blood pressure and has been personally instructed to cut down on salt. ALL AMERICANS need to obey her medical instructions, because what SHE does is THE ONLY WAY TO DO THINGS. If she were diagnosed with diabetes, we would ALL need to have insulin shots and Americans would eat FAR too much sugar. If she were diagnosed with cancer, we would ALL need to have chemotherapy treatments and Americans get FAR too little radiation.

6. Now she's self-diagnosed herself allergic to eggs, too. No salt, no fat, no caffeine, no tomatoes, no eggs.

7. Regarding her cousin's panic attacks, she told me: "I said to her, 'Now there is just NO REASON for you to have a PANIC attack! WHY would you panic? You are JUST going to the GROCERY store!' I mean, for Pete's sake!"

Pre MIL Visit Cleaning

2009-10-03T21:33:00.005-04:00

Let us check in to see if the psychiatric medication (now a mix of Celexa and Wellbutrin) is working.

Pre MIL visit 2008: Removed everything from kitchen counters and scoured with gritty bleachy cleansing powder. Removed spiral stover burners and soaked/cleaned under-burner trays. Removed stove knobs for more thorough cleaning. Lifted stovetop to clean underneath and to get to the side edges. Pushed wet washcloth as far as I could reach under refrigerator. Took all spices off spice racks, wiped down shelves, wiped off each jar. Scrubbed inside of oven door. Washed floor on hands and knees with washcloth. Washed down cabinet doors. Took dishes/food off most visible shelves and wiped down shelves.

Pre MIL visit 2009: Wiped counters. Wiped the most visible stuff off the stovetop. Cleaned coffee pot. Put away some---but not all---of the Paper Pile that accumulates on the counter, more for my own privacy than to reduce the mess. Threw out the salad dressing that was still in the fridge from her last visit.

Pre MIL visit 2008: Used a damp washcloth to sponge the carpet edges where the vacuum cleaner couldn't quite reach.

Pre MIL visit 2009: Vacuumed wherever there wasn't stuff on the floor, which, if we are talking in terms of square footage, well...

Pre MIL visit 2008: Moved all furniture in every room. Put away all the little things that were underneath each piece, vacuumed up dust, then washed floors with a wet washcloth before replacing furniture.

Pre MIL visit 2009: Used foot to kick stuff out of sight further underneath the furniture.

Pre MIL visit 2008: Removed entire contents of bathroom and front hall closets. Cleaned and sorted and tossed.

Pre MIL visit 2009: Hid lubricating gel.

Pre MIL visit 2008: Used Lemon Pledge and tightly-stretched dustcloth to dust each many-grooved spindle of each wooden dining room chair.

Pre MIL vist 2009: Pushed chairs up to table.

Just Cultural Information

2009-09-26T17:25:00.003-04:00

It drives me a little crazy that my mom thinks there's no problem with reading Bible stories to my kids---though fortunately she goes along with my Crazy Wish that she shouldn't. She says it's "just cultural information---anyone would need to know these stories!" But she wouldn't feel the same way toward a children's book of astrology, or a children's book about the teachings of Buddha.

Spelling it Out for the Few

2009-09-23T06:33:00.006-04:00

You know what is pissing me off? That because sex is one of the issues Mike and I struggle with, there are people who assume this means I'm frigid and we never have sex and I deprive poor Mike of a normal sexual relationship. And they assume it AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN, no matter how clearly I state the situation.

That is SO STUPID. No, really, I said it and I meant it: STUPID.

Most of you totally get this, and so you'll be like the kids in the classroom who long since understood and yet get stuck in their seats while the things have to be made very clear to the slow ones. Sorry, but a few people need this spelled out verrrrrry carefully so they have some hope of eventually understanding. The rest of you can read quietly at your desks.

"Wanting sex less than someone else" does not mean "never wanting sex." Nor does it mean "doesn't like sex." Nor does it mean "wanting sex less than normal."

Let this sink in for a minute, slow children. Let's say Mike was a SEXUAL MANIAC who wanted sex TEN TIMES A DAY. Let's say I wanted it less than he did---only FOUR times a day. Would I be described as frigid, or as someone who never wanted sex, or as someone who didn't like sex, or as someone who wanted sex less than normal? No. Could I still complain about and be upset about the difference in our sexual appetites and want to work to try to resolve it? Yes.

But oh! It's a woman complaining her husband wants sex more than she does! She must be a COLD WITHHOLDING BITCH WHO HATES SEX AND NEVER GIVES HIM ANY! And when she does submit to it, she lies there like a stone, rolling her eyes because she has no sex drive at all! Idiots.

Need another example? Let's say we had another Stereotype Issue: the wife who wants to spend MORE money, and the husband who wants to spend LESS. Does this mean the husband never wants to spend money at all, not even on groceries or utilities? Does this mean the husband never wants to spend any money on non-essentials either, not even on Christmas presents or home decor or treats? NO. It means he wants to spend LESS THAN WHAT HIS WIFE WANTS TO SPEND. He might want to spend a GENEROUS AMOUNT, it's just that she wants to spend MORE THAN THAT.

Seriously, it makes me dislike mankind that I have to explain this to ANYONE, let alone MANY anyones.

On the Nature of Venting

2009-09-18T21:39:00.004-04:00

Okay, okay. I've had some time to settle down, and I feel better about things now. Partly it's because my dad fixed the lamp: Mike had cut the chain off right at the root so I couldn't use one of those thingies that attaches two parts of a chain, but my dad knows how to, like, BUILD lamps, so it was no big deal for him to replace the entire chain. It took him, like, ten minutes, and now the bird is back in its rightful place.

And partly it's because Mike was so sheepish about it. When he was explaining to me what had happened, my mouth just dropped open like "You did WHAT???" and he was looking more and more uncertain---like he'd seriously thought that was a good solution to a tricky problem, but now that he was looking at my back teeth he was less certain. And then the next day he was saying nervously, "Can we buy a replacement lamp?"

And partly it's because a lot of my anger at him is because I think to myself, "If I'D done such a thing, what would that have meant for ME?" So, for example, the only way I'd have cut that bird thing off the lamp would be if I'd been WILD WITH IRRATIONAL RAGE, so then I assume HE must have been wild with irrational rage, so then I'm mad at him for (1) being so angry (2) around the kids (3) and because of the kids (4) and ruining something of mine in anger. Four assumptions, all based on ME.

But, um. We do happen to be different people. And so although _I_ would have had to be furious to clip the birdy, he has absolutely no emotional attachment to the birdy, nor did he know _I_ did, nor does he think of A Lamp as being intricately woven with His Wife's Feelings, and he's also not so good with the Thinking Things Through. So for him, it was more like, "Pfff, this pull-cord is causing problems. We always have this lamp on a switch anyway, and we NEVER use the pull-cord [ <--true ], so let's just remove the pull-cord. *calm snipping, making sure to get all the way to the end so it looks tidy*"

And meanwhile I'm assuming he's the jackassiest jackass to ever jackass--speaking of what rots marriages. But it's so hard not to assume he's The Same As Me, even after nearly fifteen years together! I know from experience his faults are more along the lines of being too laid-back, not too emotional---and yet I still manage to assume that his failings are Attacks On Me.

And then, of course, there's The Telling of the Story, and how it's possible to leave out Certain Elements. Like, I didn't mention how first thing in the morning after my flight came in late at night, he was leaving on his first ever business trip, which he was very, very nervous about and didn't want to do but got pressured into doing in a very unpleasant way (a "well, I guess if you don't want a future with this company..." kind of way), and he'd been nervous and upset ever since he found out about it a few days before I left on my trip. I guess that DOES kind of, um, put a different spin on someone who is lying in bed late at night acting miserable and distracted rather than leaping out of bed enthusiastically and telling me how badly he's missed me. Ahem.

I'm still kind of crabby about the wanting-sex thing, but he ALWAYS wants sex. ALWAYS. And there was a wifey in bed with him after four nights with no wifey.

Well. It's the trouble with any kind of venting. Which is why it's nice to have a place to tell it where people know how venting is.

Welcome Home, Constance!

2009-09-15T09:32:00.003-04:00

Some post-vacation venting that I didn't want to include on the blog my family reads:

I got home from the airport at 10:30 at night, right on schedule. Mike was already in bed, and didn't get up to, like, hug me or anything. He acted a combination of "I was sleeping" (10:30 is when we usually head for bed, so I think he could probably stay up an extra 5 minutes without difficulty), and like I had only been gone a few hours rather than five days, and like I was kind of annoying him by taking 5 minutes to unpack my toothbrush (after traveling for twelve hours), I guess instead of getting into bed fully-clothed and turning off the light. THEN HE WANTED SEX. What. an. ass.

Also, I'm so angry with him for clipping the bird pull on the lamp, I can't even tell you. I realize it is a VERY SMALL THING in The Universal Scheme of Things, but it's upsetting to me, and also tells me that he couldn't cope with the kids and probably did it in a tantrum, because the rational thing to do would have been to either tie the pull up (the lamp is on a switch, so it would be okay to disable the pull for even a long time), or if the situation were TRULY UNBEARABLE, then perhaps MOVE THE LAMP TO ANOTHER ROOM. But snipping the pull off with scissors so it FOREVER AND FOREVER has to be plugged into a switch outlet, and we can ONLY turn it on/off using the switch? And the bird pull is what made me want to buy the lamp, and I'd SAID SO when I brought the lamp home.

So whether he meant it like this or not, it made me feel like he was punishing me for leaving. "See what happens when you're gone?" combined with "I'm sulking and not acting happy that you're home" makes me feel like DOING SOME BODILY HARM. Seriously, this is the kind of crap that rots marriages. It also undoes a lot of the positive effects of a vacation.

My Moss

2009-08-13T16:06:00.006-04:00

Today is the kind of day I spend hating whoever came up with that concept students liked to toss around as Super Deep when I was in school: the concept of "In the end, people do what they want." Either that's pure wrong, or more likely it's one of those self-proving circular things ("If they did it, that's what they wanted to do; if they thought they were doing something they didn't want to do, it's because they WANTED to do something they didn't want to do; if they didn't do something they wanted to do, it's because they WANTED to be the kind of person who wouldn't do it" etc.).

Because today, if I were to do what I really wanted, I would hit at least two of my children, I would say some really horrible things, I would break a bunch of stuff, and then I would go running out to the car and drive completely out of this whole life, complete with a house that will never be less messy, a laundry pile that will never be smaller, children who will never get less fighty and giddy, jeans that will never get smaller, a husband who is never going to stop pushing for more sex, a lawn that will never be less weedy, drivers who nearly cause an accident and then give ME the finger, etc.

No doubt I would go on to form the exact same life elsewhere. This is the moss I naturally gather.

Which One is the God of Parental Irritations?

2009-08-10T06:34:00.003-04:00

Time for the latest Mom/Religion Vent.

My cat died recently. I was saying to my mom that it had been difficult talking to the kids about it---not so much the older two, but the 4-year-olds. They don't know what death is, and there is the danger that the conversation will veer quickly to whether or not THEY or WE will die, and I'd just RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT NOW KTHANX.

So anyway, I was telling my mom. And she said, "This would be a whole lot easier if you were a Christian!" She said it lightly, with no Bad Tone---I want to make sure I make that clear. I have to keep reminding myself that as a lifelong Christian, she doesn't HEAR it the way I hear it. If I had to guess, I'd say that she means it as an accepting/bonding thing, like she's showing how cool she is with me not being a Christian: see, she can mention it casually like it's no big thing! I think she thinks of it as gentle, affectionate teasing.

But it LIGHTS me. I think it's the message it sends, which I want to say again is a message I believe is COMPLETELY UNINTENDED. The message is, "Aren't you sorry NOW you ditched us! You thought you were SO SMART giving up The True Way, but now you see how difficult The False Path is!" I could have been explaining things to my children with the easy stories I'd been carefully taught, but NO.

The part of the message I KNOW is unintentional is this part: the idea that Christianity is a story we're supposed to believe not because it's true but because it gives us an easier way to handle tough situations. Since I believe this IS IN FACT WHY religions started, this goes right ahead and pushes my button. I feel like saying back, "Yes, and it would also be a WHOLE LOT EASIER if I told them the kitty is NOT dead but just visiting his family on a farm, but that doesn't mean I DO tell those lies."

She would be appalled if someone said to her that it would be so much easier to explain things to her students if she just told them the truth about Neptune controlling the ocean and Thor controlling thunderstorms and Cupid causing people to fall in love and so forth. The assumptions present in that kind of statement are AWFUL, she'd say. When SHE says such things, it's different because SHE is talking about things that are TRUE.

Corinne

2009-08-08T08:44:00.003-04:00

I really do feel silly venting about my mom so much, but she and I are good friends and spend a lot of time together and yet we have HUGE DIFFERENCES, so I think about it a lot and this is a good place to work things out. I won't have hurt feelings if you tune out.

A couple of months ago she and I were talking about baby names, as we often do because it is one of our many shared-interest areas, and we were talking about the name Corinne, which I like very much. She kept talking about how there was just something about it she really didn't like, she didn't know what it was, she just had VERY UNPLEASANT associations with it. And after awhile I had come up with what I thought was a likely theory, and I said, "It's because it reminds you of the word 'Koran'." (She has a Big Problem with other religions---even different denominations of her own religion.) And she paused, and she said, "...You're right. Yes, that's EXACTLY it." And she seemed kind of stunned by this, and also kind of pleased because she likes it when she feels like I Know Her.

We talked about it for a little while longer, and as with the time when she said she had too much invested in Christianity to give it up even if she found evidence against it, I ended up feeling gentler and more understanding toward her, where before I'd been irritated. I have a soft spot for people who can say, "Yes, I see I'm a little crazy about this, but that's how it is. *shrug*" It always makes me think, "That's true of all of us."

So that was a few months ago. Then, a few days ago, we were out having lunch and she mentioned the name Corinne again, saying that she just didn't like it for some reason, she couldn't figure out why. And I said, "Oh, yeah, we talked about this, remember? It's because of the Koran?" and she was TOTALLY BLANK. She said no, that couldn't have been it, that she would never feel that way about it, that she knew FOR SURE that she wouldn't have said it because she absolutely did not feel that way. I said no, she definitely had. She said that if she DID say it, which she couldn't imagine she had, that she now took it back because it was clearly not true.

I don't know what to think in these situations. Generally I think, "She's getting senile." It might not be true, but it's more comforting than the alternatives---one of which is that I'M getting senile.

Yoo Hoo!

2009-08-07T09:30:00.004-04:00

I have my Constance account emails forwarded to me at another email address. I changed that address and forgot to change the forwarding address on the Constance account, so for two months I wasn't getting Constance emails and I was all, "Huh, wonder why I'm not getting any Constance emails?" until someone emailed me at my other blog's account and asked why I didn't love them anymore, and I realized what was happening.

There were three new Constance blogs started during that time when I wasn't getting my emails, so I emailed them all and told them what happened and added them to the building and so forth. BUT! One of the Constances, Constance the Perfectionist, the link she gave me to her blog doesn't work, and it says it's because the blog has been deleted, and she's not answering my emails, so here is my Fretful Fantasy about what happened:

1. Constance the Perfectionist starts a blog, and emails Constance the First to notify her.

2. Days go by, then weeks, then more than a month. No response from Constance the First. Blog not added to the list of Constance Blogs.

3. Constance the Perfectionist thinks Constance the First doesn't like her, has NEVER liked her, doesn't want her in the building.

4. Constance the Perfectionist deletes her blog, feeling upset.

5. Constance ~~the Dim~~ the First figures out about the email forwarding. But it is too late.

Constance the Perfectionist, if you're out there, come back, come back! It was all a big silly mix-up!

Well, unless it was the less-fretful, more likely scenario:

1. Constance the Perfectionist starts a blog.

2. Constance the Perfectionist changes her mind.

3. Constance the Perfectionist deletes her blog.

And in a general note: I've never rejected a Constance blog, and I don't plan to (well, I guess I would if it were just a big male-enhancement spam or something), so if you email me and I don't post your blog, there is a problem and it isn't you or your blog, it's probably ME again. Try me again, or try me at my other blog's email address. Or, you know, find a different topic than MALE-ENHANCEMENT DRUGS CHEAP AND LEGAL MAKE HER SCREAM.

4. Go Back in Time

2009-08-06T08:04:00.006-04:00

Here is a hypothetical situation for your consideration.

Let's say there is a married couple. Pretty much every couple has at least one topic they consistently struggle with (money, housework, in-laws, free time, jealousy, parenting, sex), and let's say this couple's issue is the sex one: he wants it more than she does, and she thinks he's been too influenced by teenaged (or possibly current) porn use, and both of them are always misunderstanding each other even when they try to talk frankly about it, which is difficult for them to do because this is Their Difficult Area.

Let's say that one of their issues is that the guy likes to TALK and likes to come up with ROLE-PLAY stuff, and the girl can't concentrate if she's straining to hear what he's saying, and also she has always hated role-playing of any kind, including when she was in Brownies and had to pretend to sell Girl Scout cookies to the leader---but she especially hates role-playing of the "Let's pretend YOU are fantasizing about something you would in fact not fantasize about but apparently _I_ would" variety.

ANYWAY. Let's say the girl has been willing over the years to try many different ideas for improving this one area of frequent struggle, and so she decides that since he frequently talks fantasy talk, he must like it, and so she will try it. So during a Sexual Encounter, when he holds down her hands hard in what seems to be a fantasy kind of way, she asks him in a sexy voice if he ever has a related fantasy. And he says yes, but then, um, almost immediately he starts, um, losing his vigor, if you see what I'm saying. And he lets go of her hands and seems to be having trouble, and then the end seems not only different than usual, but possibly...faked? For the first time ever? But it is difficult to tell for sure because of a barrier method.

So, in this hypothetical situation, what do you think she should do? Should she:

1. Ask him about it---keeping in mind that conversations on this topic almost always go poorly, and that's not likely to change even if it "should," and even if other couples find such communication clears the air and brings them closer together.

2. Retreat and regroup: say nothing, and assume that particular fantasy speculation was a Total Fail for whatever reason, and not bring it up again.

3. Some other thing.

Nothing, and Then a Sudden Rush

2009-07-25T21:35:00.004-04:00

1. My mom vented to me the other day about her brother, who has some opinions she doesn't agree with. EVERY SINGLE THING she mentioned was something where I feel the same way about her and her opinions about homosexuality. Every. single. thing. So I could totally agree with her about how extremely odd it is when you love someone but can't BELIEVE the awful things that person would say/think, and also about how in most cases there is ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE in discussing it. In fact, I gave her the exact advice I give myself when I'm dealing with her. I wonder if she wondered why I was so very understanding and helpful.

2. Mike, darling, if you flip the flick out at the children about DVDs not being in their cases ONE! MORE! TIME! I swear I will throw out every single one of your DVDs so you don't have to worry about it any more. The choices are not (1) your way or (2) throwing out the DVDs, but that is the way you keep presenting it to us, so I guess that's the way you want it. Also, stop making YOUR stupid problem OUR stupid problem. We should not be scrambling to help you just so you'll stop being angry.

3. My mother-in-law announced her annual autumn visit. And I am not freaking out. Oh, Prozac, please allow me to pledge my troth.

4. Though actually, don't tell Prozac I said so but I'm going to be trying something else when I see the doctor next week. The Prozac has definitely helped in some ways, but I have trouble PICKING UP MY PRESCRIPTION because I am afraid of talking to the pharmacy clerks, and I have trouble MAKING MY PSYCHIATRIST APPOINTMENTS because I am afraid of talking to the receptionist on the phone, and I'd say that's a social anxiety fail.

5. I'm on the wax of a waxing and waning food/exercise thing, and there are some ways in which I feel SO GOOD when I'm doing this, and there are even more ways in which I feel LIKE CRAP. And hate the whole world. And everything anyone ever says about food and exercise.

6. There are a lot of times when I know I'm not speaking the right way to my older children, but I don't seem to be able to change it. It's weird to be WILLING myself to change, and for it to have so little effect. See also: food/exercise.

Evidence

2009-07-21T12:41:00.004-04:00

When my grandfather was dying, he kept asking my dad (a retired minister), "Do you really believe? Do you really believe?" My grandpa had always been a "Good Citizen"-style Christian: not someone who goes around talking about a love affair with Jesus, but rather someone who is a Christian and goes to church because That Is What Decent People Do along with paying their taxes and mowing their lawns and donating to the library fund. At the end, he started thinking, "...Wait. How likely IS this? Have I seen any evidence that religion is anything more than a community ritual?" My dad, who isn't a "Love Affair With Jesus"-type Christian but is definitely a Full-On Believer, could confidently answer, "Yes" again and again. Yes, I believe. Yes, I will see you there soon.

I've wondered what I'd do if my parents, on their deathbeds, begged me to confirm their faith. On one hand, my real answer is no: no, I don't believe it's true; no, I don't believe that death is the magical portal to a land where the streets are paved with gold and praises are sung to God for all eternity. On the other hand, I don't think it matters if I lie to make a dying person feel better. Pragmatically, what difference does it make what words I say to them right before they die? Either it's true or it isn't, and neither of us actually knows what's true, and they're likely going to find out before I do.

Well, I hope they don't ask, that's all.

My mom and I were talking the other day, and it started out with her talking religion and me biting my tongue and thinking about kittens and puppies. My mom seems to think that either someone is a Christian or else they know nothing about it: she explains things to me as if I've never heard The Good News, instead of as if I'd been a Christian-school-attending, church-attending, minister-father-having, Love-Affair-With-Jesus-mother-having, Christian-household-participating, truly-believing Christian until I was 20.

So she was retelling me the story I'd heard many times in church and in school, the one where the bad man dies and goes to Hell, and he begs to be allowed to come back and tell his friends that it's really true and that they should change their lives. He is told that it wouldn't do any good: that if someone doesn't believe the abundant evidence right before their eyes while on earth, they won't believe it even if someone comes back from the dead and confirms it.

My mom was using this to illustrate an article she read recently about how people believe what they believe, and evidence has very little to do with it---not only with religious issues, but with things such as marital issues, friendship issues, self-esteem issues, political issues. And I was clenching my teeth because my mom seemed to see this in only one direction: that is, she was NOT telling a story about a man who dies and then begs to tell his religious friends it's all a big myth.

But then my mom said that if she were to find out for sure that Christianity wasn't true, she wouldn't give it up at this point because she has too much invested. It made me feel instantly less combative. If she likes believing and has decided to continue doing so no matter what, that is a MUCH DIFFERENT SITUATION than if she thinks it's SO OBVIOUS and that I'd have to be ABSOLUTELY BRAIN-FREE to ignore the ABUNDANT EVIDENCE.

Don't Want to Think About it Too Much

2009-07-13T06:58:00.001-04:00

I'm not even sure I LIKE older kids.

Guest Constance #22

2009-07-12T20:38:00.000-04:00

[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]

********
Questions for you and your readers who have experience and wish to share their thoughts:

I've recently summoned the courage to book an appointment with a doctor to talk mental health as I'm now confident the way I'm feeling is not normal. I'm looking for suggestions as to how I can be my best advocate when I meet with the doc. How does one prepare for the doc appointment to discuss the issue of "I think I'm depressed?" Also, what can I expect? What happens at these meetings? Do I tolerate it if he tries to blow me off or give me herbal stuff? Who knows best in these situations the professional or the person crying all the time? Because sometimes I think, hmm I AM OK and then other days I think THIS IS NOT WHO I AM, and really miss the old me. What if I'm having a good day the day I meet the doc? Does anyone have experience with a drug that hasn't made things foggy? One of my issues is that I haven't been able to focus and I find myself just staring at a screen at work and struggling to do brain intensive work that I used to be able to do. I'm getting worried I'm going to get fired if i don't get this figured out, not to mention the sobbing is getting really embarassing.

Thank you.

Guest Constance #21

2009-07-10T08:12:00.000-04:00

[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]

********
I am having a disagreement with my husband and wanted to ask all of you in the Constance building what you think.

Should a married man's best friend be a married woman he works with? This is NOT someone he grew up with, but rather someone he's just known for about 2 years.

Should a husband insist on seeing this woman even after his wife expresses concern about the appropriateness of the relationship?

Should the wife be concerned if the "friend" calls her husband after 11pm (while the wife is sleeping) and asks him to come meet her for a beer?

Should the wife be concerned if the husband SNEAKS OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH THE INTENT OF NEVER TELLING HIS WIFE AT ALL THAT HE DID GO MEET HER?

Just curious as to whether or not I'm overreacting. Thanks.

Hampered

2009-07-05T16:48:00.002-04:00

You know how sometimes a household-sharer can clean HUFFILY, with an attitude that communicates "I am doing this because YOU didn't do your job"? Yeah. Mike cleaned off the top of our bureau this weekend, and he had that attitude. Furthermore, one of the ways he cleaned it off was by taking the folded clean laundry on top of it (it was little scraplets of laundry that needed to be taken to various other rooms) and dumping it back into the hamper. THANK you, sweetie. That's EXACTLY why I hadn't cleaned off the top of the bureau myself: because I was TOO LAZY to dump that stuff into the dirty laundry. Cleaning is SO EASY, isn't it?

Scientific Breakthrough: The Cause of Homosexuality

2009-06-21T21:45:00.004-04:00

We have recently learned that two of my mother's former students are gay.

My mother, though she never said anything about it at the time, now realizes she knew it even back then.

Luckily, my mother has also figured out the scientific cause of gayness: weird mothers. Both boys had weird mothers. It is clear those mothers did some very serious damage to their sons.

All of us WITHOUT weird mothers can now REST EASY.

One of Four Possible Subjects

2009-06-11T15:40:00.002-04:00

It would be super-funny to use tags/labels for these posts, because I'd have, like, four:

1. Mother
2. Religion
3. Husband
4. Sex

Hee.

Today it's mother. And here is how she is driving me nuts: she keeps saying that when I was on Zoloft (this was SEVEN years ago), they "lost me"---as in, because I was transformed into a weird, not-myself person. Here are the annoying things about this:

1. I went off Zoloft because it didn't seem to be doing much. Mike agreed. But while I was on it, my mother NEVER SHUT UP about how I "wasn't myself."

2. When I went back on Zoloft later without telling her, she didn't notice any difference.

3. I'm currently on Prozac, which is having more effect than Zoloft, and whenever she mentions how "gone" I was on Zoloft, she compares it to the real me I currently am.

4. She has brought it up five times in the last three weeks. I guess that doesn't sound like a lot, but it feels really frequent to bring up something that happened seven years ago.

5. The reason she's so touchy about it is that the issues I was being treated for are less-severe versions of the same issues she has. To her, if I need medication, it means SHE needs it.

Complaint Policy: Addendum 1

2009-05-31T09:07:00.004-04:00

I didn't think it was necessary but evidently it is: we need a "appropriate time and place" addendum to the Complaint Policy.

Perfectly acceptable complaint: Our children are driving us crazy.

Examples of appropriate complaining:
1. On our blogs which are about our lives.
2. To like-minded friends.
3. To our mothers who know we want them to cluck and say words like "normal" and "over soon," rather than saying, "OMG yes, those little shits are driving me BERSERK."

Examples of inappropriate complaining:
1. To a friend whose child just died.
2. At that child's funeral.
3. In the comment section of a blog about infertility struggles.

Perfectly acceptable complaint: Our spouses are driving us crazy.

Examples of appropriate complaining:
1. On our blogs which are about our lives.
2. To like-minded friends.
3. To our mothers who know we aren't looking for the response, "I've never understood why you married that schmuck."

Examples of inappropriate complaining:
1. To widows/widowers.
2. To a friend whose spouse is an actual horrible person rather than a run-of-the-mill annoying one.
3. In the comment section of a blogger grieving for a lost spouse.

Perfectly acceptable complaint: Our jobs are driving us crazy.

Examples of appropriate complaining:
1. On our blogs which are about our lives.
2. To like-minded friends.
3. To our spouses who know we aren't looking for the response, "OMG I would totally trade MY job, which is ACTUALLY awful, for YOUR job, which is easy and pleasant."

Examples of inappropriate complaining:
1. To a friend who just lost her job and can't pay her bills.
2. To a co-worker, within earshot of your boss.
3. On our blogs, but with workplace-identifying details.

Perfectly acceptable complaint: There are downsides to being an at-home/working parent.

Examples of appropriate complaining:
1. On our blogs which are about our lives.
2. To like-minded friends.
3. To our spouses who know we aren't looking for the response, "You know, you're the one who wanted this" or "How do you think _I_ feel?"

Examples of inappropriate complaining:
1. To a friend who is doing the other option, using a communication style that implies that SHE is doing the LUXURIOUS and EASY and WONDERFUL option, whereas WE are STUCK and SUFFERING.
2. To a friend who is doing the other option, using a communication style that implies that SHE is doing it the way that damages her children, whereas WE are making huge sacrifices for our children because WE love them.
3. To our mothers who might say, "Well, dear, in MY day..."

Perfectly acceptable complaint: Someone we're voluntarily associating with is driving us KER-RAZY and everything they say is STUPID and WRONG.

Examples of appropriate complaining:
1. On our blogs which are about our lives.
2. To like-minded friends.
3. To spouses who totally take our side and suggest we not have anything to do with that cheesehead.

Examples of inappropriate complaining:
1. To a friend, within earshot of the krazy-maker.
2. To spouses who say, "Well....then why are you still voluntarily associating with her, dumbass?"
3. In spray-paint on the wall of the krazy-maker's house, or in the comment section of the krazy-maker's blog.

Perfectly acceptable complaint: We're getting migraines every other day now.

Examples of appropriate complaining:
1. On our blogs which are about our lives.
2. To friends with similarly/less severe ailments---or, using moderation and perspective, to our friends with more serious ailments.
3. To the doctor who is going to give us DRUGS OMG GIVE US DRUGS.

Examples of inappropriate complaining:
1. To a friend undergoing treatment for a brain tumor.
2. To anyone we're talking to, if we start by saying "That's NOTHING, _I_...".
3. In the comment section of a blog about a child with cancer.

Just because a hotttie tight short dress is appropriate for a club, that doesn't mean it's ALWAYS appropriate EVERYWHERE (funerals, office job). And just because complaining about things that bother us is appropriate, that doesn't mean it's ALWAYS appropriate EVERYWHERE.

Complaint Policy

2009-05-30T07:23:00.003-04:00

From time to time it is a good idea to review the Complaint Policy for the Constance Building (and, really, for ALL buildings).

1. It is fine to complain about your children, even if there are lots of people who are desperate to have children but can't. Children still suck sometimes, despite the benefits, and you may say so.

2. It is fine to complain about your spouse, even if there are lots of people who are desperate to get married but can't, and even if there are lots of people who lost a spouse to death or divorce and would give anything to have the spouse back to complain about. Spouses still suck sometimes, despite the benefits, and you may say so.

3. It is fine to complain when something expensive goes wrong with your house or car, even if there are lots of people who are desperate to have a house or car but can't afford it. Ownership of expensive, needy items still sucks sometimes, despite the benefits, and you may say so.

4. It is fine to complain about your mother/father, even if there are lots of people who would give anything to have their dead mothers/fathers back again. Mothers/fathers still suck sometimes, despite the benefits, and you may say so.

5. It is fine to complain that your partner wants sex more/less often than you do, even if there are lots of people who would LOVE IT if their partner wanted sex as often/infrequently as your partner does. It's the difference in appetite that is so stressful, whichever direction it goes.

6. It is fine to complain about your diet, even if there are lots of people in the world who don't have enough to eat. Diets still suck sometimes, even though having enough food is good, and you may say so.

7. It is fine to complain about being in debt, even if it was your own decisions that got you there. Being in debt still sucks, and you may say so.

8. It is fine to complain about a medical problem, even if there are people with more severe medical problems who would love to trade. Having a medical problem still sucks, even if other medical problems suck more, and you may say so.

9. It is fine to complain about a reduction in income, even if your new reduced level is a level other people aspire to. An income reduction still sucks, and you may say so.

10. It is fine to complain about your job, even if other people are desperate for employment, and even if other people would love to have your job. Jobs still suck sometimes, despite the benefits, and you may say so.

12. It is fine to complain about the weather, even if other people would love to have weather more like yours. Different people like different kinds of weather, yes? And so someone who doesn't like heat may still complain about the heat even if someone who LOVES the heat isn't getting enough. The complaint is about the discomfort, wherever the discomfort lies.

13. It is fine to complain about the downsides of being an at-home parent, whether you're in that role by choice or by necessity, and even if other people would love to be at-home parents. It is fine to complain about the downsides of being a working parent, whether you're in that role by choice or by necessity, and even if other people would love to be working parents. At-home/working parenting still sometimes sucks, and you may say so.

14. It is fine to complain about ANY situation that makes you feel bad/sad/mad/stressed, even if everyone in the entire world would not unanimously agree that the situation was a negative one, and even if SOME people in the world would consider the situation a POSITIVE one. That would be like saying people who have been flooded out can't complain, because other people are in a terrible drought and dying for rain.

Better Analogy

2009-05-25T08:20:00.006-04:00

Maybe this is a better analogy than yesterday's. I think sometimes when someone wants sex Less Often, the assumption is that that person "doesn't like sex" or "never wants sex" or whatevs. I don't know why that is. Certainly there ARE people who don't like sex, but that's a different place on the spectrum than "wanting it less often than partner does." The person who wants it Less Often might have a larger than average sexual appetite, for example, but their partner has an even larger one.

So here is my second try at an analogy. Let's say I love pizza, which I do, and let's say I like to have it every single week, which I do. I look forward to it for days, and I enjoy every bite, chewing slowly because it is So! Delicious! I love pizza. It's one of my favorite foods. I choose it for my birthday dinner every year.

And let's say that Mike loves pizza, which he does, and let's say he would like to have it five nights a week, which he would. Because he does most of the cooking, let's say he DOES make pizza five nights a week. I do love pizza, but if I eat it that often I start to get sick of it, and to no longer look forward to it. I eat much less of it, and I enjoy it much less, if at all. It's now something I kind of choke down.

If we had pizza less often, I would enjoy it A LOT. I would look forward to it. I would LOVE it. But because we are having it TOO OFTEN, I lose a lot of my enjoyment. I start to wonder why both of us have to eat pizza at the rate HE likes to have pizza, especially since having it as often as he wants it is destroying my enjoyment of it. I start thinking of solutions that involve him eating pizza five nights a week, four of those nights by himself and one of those nights with me.

Imperfect Analogy

2009-05-24T15:09:00.000-04:00

Here's one of the things I find so puzzling in a relationship with unequally-matched sexual appetites (which would be almost ALL relationships): why would the person who wants it MORE keep wanting to do it even when the other person is obviously getting NOTHING out of it? I'd be embarrassed to be the only one having a good time. I'd feel silly and self-conscious. I'd rather Do It only when we were BOTH into it, and then Take Care Of It Myself the rest of the time.

It's the same way I am when I want to chat and he doesn't: I pick up on his cues, and I choose another time to talk, a time when he's more interested in talking. Or when I want to go shopping and he doesn't, I either wait until he's in the mood to go too, or I go by myself. ...Er, or I talk/shop with someone else, but this is where the analogy really falls apart.

Perhaps Booking Another Trip Would Help

2009-05-20T14:34:00.001-04:00

Before my recent trip, I went on a diet. I didn't want to talk about it on my regular blog because my sister-in-law and brother read it, and if I'D recently had a baby, I don't think I'd want to hear that MY sister-in-law was dieting before visiting me.

In my case, I'd put on mumble-mumble pounds since the last time I'd seen them, and I'm significantly larger than my sister-in-law to begin with, so my goal was not to be Svelter Than Thou but merely to be Non-Startling. I had about 3.5 weeks from trip-booking to trip-taking, and I lost a little more weight than I could have hoped to lose in that amount of time.

I felt really great. I was so glad that this trip had happened to get me back on track. I thought, "Hey, look at me! I'm PUTTING DOWN MY FORK! I'm eating SMALLER PORTIONS! I'm choosing NOT to eat that, because I'm NOT hungry---or because although I AM hungry it's NOT worth it! I'm choosing NOT to buy candy at Target! I'm choosing NOT to have a snack in the evening! OMG! It's like I'm SOMEONE ELSE! This is AWESOME! This is POSSIBLE!"

Then I got back from the trip and lost all my momentum. In fact, my apparent goal is to regain that mumble as quickly as possible. I'm already up about a third of a mumble, and yesterday I ate so much I actually WISHED I would throw up so I could stop feeling so sick.

This is the biggest trouble I have with diets. Shocker, right? Since pretty much EVERYONE ELSE has the EXACT SAME biggest trouble? I can only sustain a short-term interest in a diet, and only for a very interesting and motivating reason such as an upcoming event.

I suppose this is how that whole "lifestyle change" idea got started: someone noticed that diets don't work long-term because they fizzle out, so the real challenge is putting yourself on a diet that WON'T fizzle, also known as a lifestyle change.

I've never been able to make a lifestyle change any more than I've been able to keep a diet from fizzling. To me, that's just saying that the trick to a successful diet is to NOT lose motivation! So, just keep your motivation and everything will be fine! And also, choose NOT to be tempted by high-calorie foods! And choose not to feel like eating over-sized portions! Yay, yay, you're on your way! You go, girl!

Well. So I've regained a third of a mumble so far, and last night I was all, "Okay, VACATION'S OVER." I did Wii Fit, and in the morning I had coffee and a nutritious, proteiny breakfast. Then I went to Walmart (NOT on an empty stomach) and bought, um. White chocolate macadamia nut cookies. And Breyer's ice cream. And Andes mint chocolate baking bits. Sigh. My only "you go, girl!" moment was NOT buying the Little Debbie fudge rounds.

Sixteen Years' Notice

2009-05-17T17:23:00.002-04:00

Here's a problem, I've found: Now that I'm pretty confident we're not having any more babies, and now that I have for the most part come to terms with that, now I'm over-eager to get the kids grown and out of the house. It's like how it's easy to lose job motivation after giving the 2-weeks' notice.

Everyone Loves to Hear About Dreams

2009-05-05T09:39:00.003-04:00

Last night I had a dream about the guy who was My First, and we were the age we are now, and he was totally unattracted to me, not that we were going to Do Anything anyway. In the dream and right after I woke up, I was strongly moved to share with the world the following insight, which now seems silly: The person who was your First has to at least pretend you're wildly sexy to them FOREVER, and they have to maintain that fiction for their entire lives, out of courtesy.

Guest Constance #20

2009-04-30T20:10:00.001-04:00

[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]

********
I have an ache in my heart and a knot in my stomach ever since he told me. He told me he was really drunk. He told me that he didn’t mean for it to happen. He told me he didn’t realize that it was happening at first. He told me he stopped her when he realized what she was doing.

I want to believe him when he says that he is sorry. I want to believe that he won’t do something so stupid again. I think I do believe him. I’m just not sure how to get over being betrayed. I’m not sure how to get this horrible visual out of my head. I’m not sure how to stop thinking about him cheating every day all day long.

I wonder if you met me would you know I feel broken. I feel like I’m going through the motions. I can’t tell anyone why I want to curl up on the couch and cry. Life doesn’t stop. I still have to try to be a good mother, daughter and wife. The wife part probably is going to get neglected for a while.

I wrote because I needed to vent. I also wrote because I want advice. If you have been through anything like this, how did you forgive and move on?

Grope-Free Weekend

2009-04-27T10:28:00.003-04:00

To sum up the current birth control situation: I'm still on the Pill, even though I think the hormones are messing with me, because I'm worried that if I say to Mike, "Fine, YOU'RE the one who doesn't want more children, YOU worry about birth control!," he would get The Snip, and I'm not ready for him to do that. My next annual gyn appointment is this summer, and I'm thinking of switching to a diaphragm or to the non-hormone IUD.

So anyway. I'm halfway through my pack of Pills, and I had some spotting yesterday. I know spotting on the Pill is pretty normal, but I've NEVER had it happen before, not even in the first month of going on the Pill when it's particularly common. I looked it up online, and saw one place that said that if you had spotting mid-cycle while on the Pill, you should use back-up birth control for the rest of the month. I mentioned this to Mike, and he's been my friendly platonic roommate ever since, when normally he's a routine groper. I think this confirms for me that it would not be safe to see if he'd call my bluff on the snip situation.

Good Reasons

2009-04-23T09:51:00.006-04:00

Remember when I said I wasn't going to post vents about religion anymore? Er, yes. Well. Here is the thing: it turns out I still want to.

BUT! I wonder if this will help at all:

1. A lot of my religion issues are also FAMILY issues, and you know how those always get pretty tangled and complicated. My dad was a minister, my mom was a Christian school teacher, so....I mean, you know how there are things that if anyone else says/does them it's fine, but if your parents or in-laws do it it's So Annoying or whatevs? Religious Issues can be like that for me: all tangled up with Childhood Issues and Parent Issues. A lot of times it's not as much about religion as it seems to be.

2. So I don't MEAN to be attacking religion in a nasty, slingy way.

3. And I don't WANT to hurt you.

4. I am aware that, nevertheless, attackiness comes across from vents. I certainly don't like to read vents about things that are important to ME, and also it makes me feel like maybe the venter likes me less because it IS important to me.

5. But I adore YOU, and if YOU are religious I'm not intending to be all nose-to-nose with you, poking you in the collarbone with my forefinger in a "Whatcha gonna do about it, huh?" way.

6. It's more that I have Religious Issues. And that this is actually a pretty good place to work through them, if it's possible to work through them. And so I'm going to now and then.

7. But I'm really hoping not to hit anyone with Vent Shrapnel. And if I do, I have a tweezers and a box of bandaids ready.

Okay. On to it.

My family has belonged to a lot of denominations. All of the denominations I'm familiar with believe that we are supposed to pray to God to ask him for what we want, and that sometimes he says yes and sometimes he says no. This is pretty soft for God, isn't it? If we get what we want, he gets credit, but he never has to take blame.

Well, I do get that, though. I've had things that I wanted, and I didn't get them, and then later I was REALLY GLAD I didn't get them. Boys I wanted to date. Jobs I wanted. Classes I wanted to get into. Personality traits I wanted. All things that I would have fervently prayed for, and then had to conclude that God had answered "No," and then later would have thought, "Oh! It was for my own good!" This all makes sense to me, even though it's a little annoying when I hear my parents giving God the credit for their own hard work and and good ideas.

I've also never struggled with the common problem of "How could God let airplanes crash?" or "How could God let a mother die of cancer?" or "How could God let that tree fall on that house?" All of those things make sense to me: we live in a habitat, and sometimes our interactions with our habitat are damaging or fatal. Some of it is our fault and some of it is not, but it makes sense to me that God would not be going around putting out fires, putting cars back over the yellow line, catching falling trees, catching airplanes.

Besides, the "How could he?" category mostly falls nicely into the yes/no answers thing. Maybe God keeps airplanes from crashing A LOT, but of course we wouldn't know that he'd done so. Maybe he OFTEN cures illness, and we wouldn't know if it was God or the medical treatment. Maybe he OFTEN makes a tree fall a different direction.

And maybe when he chooses not to stop the plane from crashing or the tree from falling, he has a really good reason that is just not immediately apparent, like when I didn't get a job I really, really wanted, and then a year later the person who was hired instead of me got into enormous trouble because of systems set up by the previous employee. Whew! Lucky! Or when someone's house is destroyed by a tree while they're all at the store---maybe there was fatal mold in the house, or maybe the roof would have collapsed in the night the next day, or maybe it would have burned down the next week. So this all makes sense to me, too.

Here's the sticking point to me: that we're supposed to accept that God might say yes to getting us a date, getting us a job, keeping our plane from crashing, helping us avoid an accident, preventing us from being killed in a fire, helping us find our car keys---but that he would choose not to step in when a baby or child is being molested or abused. Or when a baby or child is kidnapped and violated and tortured and killed, and the parents never know what happened. I can't see any justification at all for saying "No" to a baby or child who is screaming or silent in terror and pain, while saying "Yes" to the lady praying that her cat will come home safely.

All the denominations I've been involved with agree that this sucks. It's not like anyone's saying this is a GOOD thing that God allows babies and children to be molested and tortured and beaten and burned. But when I was a Christian, the answer I was taught to give people who wondered this sort of thing was that it was an issue of free will (evidently God is unable to make distinctions between "utter freedom" and "freedom to do what doesn't affect others' free will"), or that it wasn't possible for us humans to understand the mind of God. That we needed to have faith that even when we didn't understand his ways, God was still right and good, and we could cling to that knowledge even in the storms of doubt.

I choose not to. Even if my faith were suddenly restored and religion made sense to me again rather than seeming exactly like believing in Santa Claus, I would CHOOSE NOT TO follow a leader who can IN ANY WAY justify that decision. Maybe I'm wrong not to trust that he has good reasons. I don't really care. I wouldn't accept Secret Reasons For Horror from anyone who was asking to direct my life and guide me down a path. I wouldn't follow or trust that kind of leader, even if he seemed good in many other ways, even if he told me I could believe him that he had good reasons for everything.

More Recommendations

2009-04-22T17:40:00.005-04:00

On my post about using alcohol to switch gears, Jess asked if there were any OTHER ideas, for people who can't have alcohol. Well...so far, alcohol is the best thing I've found. I've heard good things about certain illegal drugs, but even if I decided to try them I'd surely mess up the transaction. I can just see myself clutching my purse as I walk all darty-eyed and pink-cheeked over to The Young Man Who Always Hangs Around That One Corner and ask him all politely if he has any p0t for sale, and if so, how much does it cost, and does it ever go on CLEARANCE?

Anyway. I'll tell you the few other things that have helped.

1. Planning ahead. Like, knowing all day that you WILL have sex that evening. I find this works better if Mike DOESN'T know I'm planning it, just in case the day goes differently than expected.

2. Lubricant. It's nice to not have to worry about that aspect of things.

3. Quickies. Choosing a time when you only have a few minutes before a definite deadline (parents coming over, dinner being ready, kids finishing their dinners) not only makes you seem Hot 'n' Spontaneous, but also means that at least if you're not Into It, It won't be a long, drawn-out It. I think quickies make a great compromise between one "I don't feel like it and shouldn't be forced into it" and one "I do feel like it and you're my only source."

Any other non-alcoholic ideas? We should really pool our resources.

Recommendation---Now With More Stigma!

2009-04-21T21:30:00.004-04:00

Just checking in with a Sex Update. I know many Do Not Approve of this, but I would heartily recommend liquor to those of you who WANT TO want to have sex more often but are having trouble managing it.

I know, I know, drinking before sex has a stigma on it, like Drinking Alone or like Using Crisco. I think of it as medicinal.

And definitely I'm not recommending it to you if you're not supposed to have alcohol, or if alcohol makes you hostile/sad/queasy instead of relaxed. BUT: if it's okay for you to have alcohol, and if alcohol relaxes you, and if one of the barriers between you and sex is that you can't switch gears or can't stop composing mental grocery lists, then one or two discreet ounces of vodka may help you fix that right up.

(I say vodka because I read long ago that secret drinkers like vodka because it's mostly undetectable on the breath/skin. I don't know if that's true but it stayed with me all these years. I mix it with orange juice and it's still like drinking cleaning supplies, but it's not as scorching as drinking it straight.)

And of course, adjust dosage to suit the patient. For me, two ounces makes me feel relaxed and makes me stop composing mental lists. If two ounces would send you slurring and weaving, I recommend a lower dose. The aim is not to be singing drunkenly and bopping into walls, the aim is to help you shift gears if your gearshift isn't working right.

Near Miss

2009-04-16T07:48:00.002-04:00

I'm daydreamy and slow this morning, because last night I had a great dream about John Dawson. We were in high school together, and I consider him a real Near Miss: someone I should have dated, but didn't for a variety of reasons. We had a computer class together, and we had one of those flexible teachers who didn't really care who did what, so he used to come zooming over to me (our chairs had wheels) and look over my shoulder to see what I was doing. He'd rest his chin on my shoulder. He was nice to me, and affectionate, and flirty.

And he was TOTALLY my type. My type is tall and lanky and a little punk, and the funny thing is I have NEVER dated anyone who was my type. If I could go back in time, I would make the first move with John: I think we were both just too awk to do anything decisive.

Worse: right around the time I thought things were finally going to happen, I went on a date (if you can call it that) with one of his buddies. Very, very poor judgment on my part. And John was so mad. He was acting mad at his buddy, saying that his buddy was a total jerk and always tried to "corrupt the good ones," but I think he must have also been mad at me for falling for it, and he was probably also hurt. If he'd thought, as I did, that he and I were about to start dating, and then I went out with his friend, that probably felt pretty awful.

So after that, he was still friendly but he totally backed off. And then when I asked him to sign my yearbook, he scribbled out his own face, and wrote on a LOT of pages. One of the things he wrote was "LOVE ALWAYS" in huge capitals.

Anyway, I had a good dream about him, where he was affectionate like before, but this time we were dating. Sigh.

Do you have near misses in your past? People you kind of wish you'd dated, if only so you could have ruled them out and not still be thinking about them years later?

Type

2009-04-10T08:44:00.001-04:00

Mike's mom sent us a bunch of childhood photos of Mike. You know who Mike looked a LOT like as a teenager? My ex-husband. Um, awk.

Analyze THIS

2009-04-05T21:32:00.003-04:00

So! Last night I dreamed I was in a mental institution. I was there because of huge fears of two things:

1) Gaps. Like, if a door or curtain was partly open, or there was a crack in the floor.

2) Strangers.

I was a screaming, shrieking mess. I had huge adrenaline-rush reactions that would leave me cowering and shaking and too panicked to move---or else running blindly away, so blindly I would run into walls or fall down stairs because I wasn't looking at all where I was going. There was one nurse, small and dark-haired, who was the one I found most reassuring, so she was assigned to me whenever she was on duty.

As the dream went on, I improved a little. Toward the end, I walked past a curtain that was slightly open, and although I had a big rush of panicky feelings, I continued walking and didn't scream or cower, and I was so proud of my progress.

WTF.

Tactful; Also, Less Tactful

2009-04-02T19:47:00.003-04:00

Sweetheart Darling Husband,

Unlike most of my blog letters to you, this one I'm actually planning to tell you later, though perhaps in different, more tactful language. The tactful version is that I am completely tapped out dealing with The Needs of Other People recently. It has been one thing after another for what feels like an eternity. I need a break, and I'm going to take one, or maybe two, this weekend. But it's not the weekend yet, and I just wanted to let you know that I can't handle any more Needs, if you get my drift.

And here's the less tactful version: put it near me, and I am snipping it off. Kthanx for understanding.

Love,
Your Wife Constance

Mother Issues

2009-03-30T19:24:00.003-04:00

One reason I posted some stuff from my mom on my regular blog is that I thought it was really funny. The other reason is that it doesn't give a very good picture of her if I only talk about here HERE when I'm VENTING.

She and I get along really, REALLY well. We have compatible temperaments. I moved here to live near her. We go shopping together twice a week. We email a lot. My dad reports that when we talk, both of us are talking simultaneously for 75% of the conversation.

But she's my MOM. And we spent a lot of time together in my childhood, and we spend a lot of time together now, so we're bound to have times when we bug each other. Things on my List:

1. The priority she gives to her job over all else. This has been a problem since my childhood.

2. Her religious beliefs, which I used to share and now don't.

3. Her beliefs about abortion, which I used to mostly share and now mostly don't.

4. Her beliefs about gay marriage, which cause me to burst into flame.

5. Her OCD and anxiety and depression, which she completely denies having (she strongly disapproves of all psychological stuff), but they had a big impact on my childhood.

6. Her feelings about premarital sex, affairs, and pretty women, which I've found really really annoying to hear rants about for more than 30 years.

7. Her...creative...storytelling, which includes a love of What Sounds Dramatic.

So she makes it to my Venting Blog fairly often, and it seemed like it would be nice to see her NOT on the Venting Blog.

Here is your assignment, if you want to have an assignment: Tell me about your mother issues. You can do it on your own Constance blog, on your own blog, or in the comments section. Or not at all, of course.

Life is So Unfair

2009-03-14T08:42:00.004-04:00

Here is something that drives me nuts about Mike:

1. He will make a series of "easy way" decisions that have obvious, visible, predictable negative consequences.

2. He will continue to act as if those obvious, visible, predictable negative consequences have magically NOT happened.

3. He will then rail against the unfairness of the universe.

4. And because the situation is SO UNFAIR, he will retaliate by taking no measures to fix or reduce the negative effects.

For example:

We have outdoor trash cans. He left the lids off. So of course water got in. He then threw away a raw chicken wrapper without bagging it, to get it away from the cats. He then put a full bag of trash on top of that mess. A week later, he carried the VISIBLY DRIPPING bag of trash to the car and put it into the trunk. Then he took it out and said, "How did this WATER get here??" And when I said, "Do you want me to get some trash bags to put down underneath it?" he said, "TOO LATE NOW!" and heaved the dripping trash bag back into the trunk. Life is SO UNFAIR to him.

Hot Button Inventory

2009-03-06T09:57:00.004-05:00

I have to stop venting here about religion. It's hurtful to others without being helpful to myself. Er, not that that would justify being hurtful to others. I mean that it seems like it's even dumber when there aren't even any benefits.

It's obviously one of the major issues in my life and one of my HUGE hot buttons, and so it SEEMS like the perfect thing to talk about on a secret blog where I won't hurt my religious family and friends---but of course I have religious friends HERE, too, and I really DON'T want to hit them with my Issue Shrapnel. When I think about it from their point of view, I cringe.

I really don't know what my problem is. Mike isn't religious either, but he has an attitude of "What's it to ME if other people believe in gods or fairies or auras or whatevs?" I'd like to have that attitude myself, but for some reason I don't. I have that attitude with a lot of other issues (I really don't see why people care so much about other people's birth experiences or eating habits or anything else that doesn't affect their own lives), but...well, my mom is STRONGLY RELIGIOUS, and so it's probably a Mom Issue combined with an Upbringing Issue combined with a Minister Dad Issue combined with a OMG Who Knows With These Things? Issue.

I'm curious now about what other people's hugest Hot Buttons are. You know how there are some things where you can totally roll your eyes at the way other people CARE SO MUCH, but some things where you yourself CARE SO MUCH? What do you CARE SO MUCH about that you can't make yourself LEAVE IT ALONE ALREADY?