[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]
********
Hi, I feel kind of dumb typing this out but I need to talk to somebody and out of respect for my husband and his feelings I can't tell my normal support people. I'm not even sure where to start so forgive me for this being disjointed. I have an incredibly complicated situation with my inlaws.
Some background: they are lovely people and I genuinely love and care for them BUT they drive me a bit crazy. They some act in a less than socially appropriate way and want to be as close as possible to me and my family. Before my husband was born they had a stillborn daughter, followed by my husband (who is healthy), followed by 10 miscarriages. They then adopted my brother-in-law who has had mental health and behavioural problems from the get go. I don't think they'd ever really dealt with the death of their daughter. Back in those days it was sort of ignored you know? So when we got married I was embraced as the daughter they'd never had and frankly I felt smothered by their desire to know everything and be a part of everything in my life. I'm a private person and feel uncomfortable about questions about my sex life (why in the world you want to know what your son and I do in private??!!) or other personal stuff from my husband's parents. Anyway, the smothering got worse with the birth of my daughters. I totally understand how precious it is for them to have grandaughters, particularly after the pain they've experienced so we tried to be really understanding and although there have been issues over the years with boundaries being crossed we've worked hard on getting along and my girls have a good relationship with them (I'm super careful not to say negative things about them).
Anyway, fast forward to a few months ago. My FIL came over and since we had some errands to run, he offered to look after the girls. No big deal, thats happened plenty of times before without any drama. This time though, I received a phone call from my oldest daughter who was very upset and wanting us to come home asap. We did and she was settled, everything seemed normal but after my FIL had gone and I asked more about it she said she had felt really uncomfortable around him and didn't want us to leave them with him again. I felt sick. She assured me several times (and has when we've discussed it since) that he didn't say or do anything wrong, didn't touch her or anything like that, just that she felt really uncomfortable. She is very open with me and I am confident she is not lying to me about it. In thinking back I wonder if it was a culmination of my inlaws' more "natural" approach to things eg. they had a naked photo of themselves kissing on their fridge for a while (just like a polaroid, not an artsy one) and on one occasion my toddler had gone into the toilet with him and he didn't send her out (I called her to come out and was cranky about that). I wonder if it was something like that that just didn't gel? I genuinely don't believe that he would molest a child. One of the things I really respect about my inlaws is that they supported a childhood friend of my husband who had been molested by their minister and went to court to testify about what she had said, despite enormous community and family pressure not to. They lost "friends" through that process but did the right thing. All that to say that I really don't think he has done anything to my daughter HOWEVER obviously I will never leave her in a situation where she isn't comfortable so my inlaws won't be babysitting from this point on. That is really awkward though because they have done before. My husband and I have talked and talked about it and just can't find a good way forward. My inlaws want as much contact with our kids as possible and now want sleepovers too. We won't let that happen but how can we possibly explain it? They would be SO hurt and I think their good relationship with our eldest daughter would be very damaged. It would be impossible to explain in a way that doesn't hurt their feelings and honestly there is NOTHING they could do that would make it ok to look after the kids again. My FIL will forever have this question mark lingering about why my daughter was upset and uncomfortable with him. My MIL has MS and can't cope with them on her own. Its just a nightmare. My husband is so sad that we're in this situation. He loves his parents and wants them to be happy but what they want isn't a possibility. My littlest daughter is only 2 so I see years and years ahead of conflict about access to our girls. Its meant that we never leave the kids at the moment because if they hear that we've used other babysitters they'll be even more hurt, no more dates or possible weekends away. I don't see a good way forward. *sigh*, I don't actually know if I even want this published but I just needed to get it out. I don't want to go on and on to my husband because its so hard for him but it bothers me everyday and I just want to bounce it off of somebody, you know? Anyway, if you've read this far, thank you for your time. What would you do? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Or am I not reacting enough? I'm going nuts just thinking this out in my own head!
Oh, this is SO HARD! I think if it were me, I would try to have even more conversations with my daughter to see if she can pinpoint what the issue was (I wonder if it's something that seems silly/meaningless to her, that would seem much less silly and more meaningful to an adult), because it would help so much to get a better idea of what it was. And maybe it's something that in time wouldn't bother her---or maybe it's something that could be fixed somehow. Like, would she be okay if both your father-in-law AND mother-in-law were there at the same time? ...Although I guess then it could end up with something really bad like if you arranged babysitting with both and then your mother-in-law had to do something else at the last minute. Hm. It's a very difficult situation.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a sticky situation. However, I think you have to go with your gut (and your daughter's gut), especially with something like that. Since they have issues with boundaries even with you, it makes sense that your FIL may have done/said something that felt inappropriate to your daughter that didn't cross the line into molestation. In any case, if your daughter is uncomfortable, for whatever the reason, you have to honor that.
ReplyDeleteAs for the babysitting, I think I would start getting my own babysitters and making excuses, "we found out at the last minute and didn't want to bother you," "Sally and Ally get REALLY cranky around bedtime and I'd rather you get to spend 'fun' time with them." What would be really great is if you could find babysitters that are close by your house so this way it is just easier for the closer babysitter to come than the ILs. Other options are to become more vague about your plans so they are less aware of when you are or are not going out-- they do not need to know your every move and when you do/don't hire a babysitter (I am assuming they do not live across the street where they can come and peer in your windows). I might screen their calls occasionally when I am home or get in the habit of calling from my cell phone even when I am home-- this way it isn't always clear where we are.
As for visiting with your ILs overnight, I would just play up my daughters' attachment to my husband and I and give that as an excuse for no overnights with them. Remember that although they are family, you are actually not obligated to explain everything to them and your 1st priority has to be the protection of your daughter.
There is a possibility that over time (especially if your FIL didn't cross the line) that your daughter would become comfortable again. I know that my 5 year old daughter can be very sensitive and I have a few relatives that try to joke around with her as they would a peer (using sarcasm or a teasing tone) and it is really upsetting to my daughter. Right now, I would never leave her alone with them (just because these particular adults don't quite know the proper way to interact with a 5 year old and would just tease her if she cried) but as she gets older and becomes better able to handle teasing, it will be less of an issue. So hopefully the situation with your FIL is a similar one.
Good luck with this. And DO NOT feel guilty about protecting your daughter.
I agree with the above. You have to do what is right for your daughter regardless of the awkwardness it is causing. You are doing the right thing. I agree that you shouldn't have to tell the inlaws what you are doing and when, but I know sometimes it is hard to avoid, especially with little ones saying "Mrs. X babysat us last night!" or whatever. Another excuse you could use is that whoever you use as a babysitter "really needs the money" (assuming you are paying them) and you just really wanted to help them out and this was a good way for both of you as she earns some extra cash and you get to go out. It makes you look like a great person and gets you out of the inlaws babysitting.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Constance that you should keep trying to talk to your daughter about what exactly made/makes her uncomfortable around your FIL. Was it something he said? Was it the way he said it? Keep trying to talk her through it. Remind her that it is ok for her to feel however she feels and that it is absolutely right for her to tell you when she feels uncomfortable around someone, even if that someone is grandpa. It's important for her to listen to her instincts about these kinds of things. And don't ignore any nagging suspicions you have. There are a lot of people whose children have been abused who said they were SURE it couldn't be that. (Not saying that's what is going on, but you need to be sure. It's your daughter, after all.) But it also could be that she becomes more comfortable with them again as they get older. I think using the excuse that the kids are just so attached for you to go out is valid too. The inlaws may roll their eyes but ultimately it's up to you and your husband.
This is a very sticky situation and I certainly feel for you. I truly hope it gets better eventually! Hang in there and keep listening to your little girl. You're doing a great job navigating a very difficult situation.
I don't have kids so I don't have a lot of advice, but still wanted to try to offer some support. Maybe you could invite the grandparents to "baby sit" while you're still home. Like if you have a big project you want to tackle (cleaning out the attic or garage?) that way you can keep an eye on things? But then again, they'll probably offer to take them to their house so they are out of your hair. :(
ReplyDeleteCould you say that the youngest is going through some attachment issues so it is hard to leave the girls right now? Then after a while it will just be normal that they aren't visiting/having the grandparents over as often. Then the older ones will likely be more busy with school stuff and you can just be "really busy".
Hopefully you can figure things out!
This is so difficult. I think the suggestion to get a young babysitter that "needs" the money is a good one.
ReplyDeleteI also think you need more information from your daughter. My son (3.5 yrs old) recently told me our daycare provider was yelling at him. He was very upset about it and becoming very resistant to going. I went into overdrive, trying to find a replacement, touring and getting on every waiting list imaginable. We finally found a preschool with an opening. Then he said he wasn't being yelled at and now didn't want to go to the preschool. Because he wanted to be home with me (I had just gone back to work) but also because school made him nervous. We've talked it all out now and he's going to school. Anyway, just in my situation, the problem wasn't necessarily the person but was more the situation. It took us a solid two months to figure this out.
So...is there anything else going on that she could be upset about, either specifically relating to your FIL or something else entirely?
I definitely think you are doing the right thing by not leaving her in an uncomfortable situation. Even though my son was technically lying to me, I still knew something was wrong and I would rather believe him and be wrong than not believe him and be right.
Good luck!
Ouch. So tough! Especially since it sounds a little like your instincts and your mind are going in two different directions.
ReplyDeleteI think there are a lot of good suggestions here about what to do.
For your own peace of mind, you might try taking it just one day at a time. I know I would be totally overwhelmed as well, thinking months and years and decades ahead of myself. So, instead of thinking that your family's relationship with your inlaws has been fundamentally changed for forever, just think about what you need to do for your daughters and how to include or exclude the inlaws on one single day. And then the next day. And so on. So that if feels like just a juggling Problem of the Day. And of course, you'll keep talking gently and occasionally to your daughter(s) and new details or changed minds or whatever in the unforeseeable future might give you more clarity about how to proceed in the longer term. I think i'd try not to rush anything. Instead, give everyone some time. Maybe that's something the in laws would even understand - "Oh, we just need a little bit of extra Mommy and Daddy time now." Or even, "The girls are really interested in playdates with their friends right now."
*I think* if I could force myself to think and act slowly about the situation, it would make me feel better. (?)
Oh sweet woman. One of my best friends worked for the Center for Exploited Children for years and you would NOT BELIEVE.... And so I'm not saying, "Ah yes, obviously a child molester!" But I am saying the most seemingly normal, kind, BELOVED, respected of people can do some pretty horrible things. Trust your gut. Trust trust trust your gut. Nothing is worth the worst (or even middle of the road) case scenario.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. We had to make a similar decision regarding my mom and it was gut wrenching.
Is it possible to just tell them that you simply feel most comfortable only leaving the kids with female sitters? I know plenty of people (ourselves included) who never allow sleepovers. Evah.
Possible arrange a standing monthly (weekly? i don't know how close you are) event with the in-laws so they feel involved, but then you are always there. And as for dates, you need them, GO, but I'd stand firm on paying for a female sitter.
Oof. You sound like such a kind and considerate person. I wish you all the best. Complicated family situations are the hardest... Hugs!
Oh dear, I'm so sorry. Something else to think about too is that although your FIL has known where the line stood in a different case with different people, he may actually think that he's being affectionate or something along those lines that someone else might be all "oh hell no". Go with your gut and base your children's care on your children's feelings. Kids know when something feels right or if it doesn't and your kids trust YOU to make decisions for them. So even though you may be in an awkward situation, and awkward it surely is, you have to think of your girls first. Best of luck to you in all of this!
ReplyDeleteAll the comments have been great - the anonymous one who said to deal with things one day at a time - that advice has helped me a lot with other parenting issues. I remember when I was pregnant getting parenting magazines and feeling overwhelmed by articles on toddler issues or grade school issues and I was at the how-do-I-put-on-the-diaper stage of parenting. I tossed the magazines and decided to just focus on parenting one day at a time instead of borrowing stress for what to expect down the road.
ReplyDeleteBut that is not your issue, just me babbling.
While it is commendable that your in-laws stood by the person molested by a minister, I don't think it necessarily means they aren't also capable of crossing lines. Sometimes being seen as totally against the very thing you do is a way to shield yourself from suspicion.
I don't have the same issues - but I don't like my kids to stay overnight with my own family members because I don't like how they treat my kids when I'm not around. It's not that they don't know how I feel - they do - they just roll their eyes at me and treat my kids the way they want anyway (belittling type of humor, or using them as free labor "walk the dog" "clean the kitchen" "vacuum the living room" all day long)...so I don't let my kids spend the night, ever.
I don't think this has to turn into a Family Moment unless you want it to (which you don't) - so find a way to make it about something different. As others have pointed out - they will likely find out if you use a babysitter (kids find it hard to keep things to themselves: which is good mostly!) so use the friend needs the money or some other reason that not only sounds plausible but also one that can't be undone with a counter-excuse from the in-laws (like, "oh, if she needs money, we'll give her money, we just want the kids here..." sheesh what a nightmare that would be).
I don't think you're handling it wrong at all - and I'm really glad to hear your husband is on your side of things. That makes all the difference.
Also: naked picture of themselves kissing on fridge? Oh dear god. That's just creepy.
k
I really think it's worth speaking more with your daughter about exactly what happened. Could he have perhaps told her off for something, and that's why she felt uncomfortable? Or wouldn't let her do something she wanted to do? You can ask her in a gentle, reassuring way, but still I think until you actually know what it was, you could be causing yourself very unnecessary angst, especially as it might not be anything inappropriate at all.
ReplyDeleteI am NOT suggesting you ignore it or whatever; you just need to clarify EXACTLY what happened.
Thank you so much for all your comments and especially to Constance for the loan of your apartment. Its incredibly helpful to be able to talk about it! I have spoken again with my daughter at length this week. She reiterated that nothing happened or was said, that its just a gut thing that she doesn't like him and doesn't want to be with him. She did say though that its been like that for a while and she didn't say anything because she didn't want my husband to be sad (she adores her daddy). So us leaving her that instance wasn't the first time she felt that way, it was just the first time she'd articulated it. So I wonder if its more a personality clash? So odd to have a child tell me that she loves him but doesn't LIKE him and doesn't want to be around him. Anyway, I reassured her that they won't be babysat by them again (it can't be just my MIL as her MS doesn't allow her to be that active) and she was happy. We're all a little tense because my inlaws have asked to come and stay with us from this Sunday until Tuesday *sigh* but we'll work our way through it. It is very helpful to just look at this situation as one day at a time, thank you. It doesn't feel so overwhelming. And we'll work on coming up with a strategy for a babysitter. Thank you again, Guest Constance #29
ReplyDeleteWe have had "space" issues with my MIL. She would crawl under my husband's skin and live there if it were physically possible. Over time we decided that we had to put our family first at the expense of hurting her feelings. It wasn't fun, but setting the boundaries has been good for us and our girl. MIL had to get over the fact that other people watch our daughter and she won't always be invited to everything we do.
ReplyDeleteI'd honor your daughter's request and not worry too much about setting some boundaries.