I've been feeling so out of control. I'm not in control of my moods, or my temper, or my weight, or my chores, or my eating, or my children, or my social anxiety, or my exercise, or my spoken words, or my reactions to others. There's a brain/body disconnect: I can tell my body all day long to act/feel a certain way, but it declines to do so.
Do you know what makes it all the more frustrating? Everything I read under the general category "How to get control over these things" seems to me to boil down to this message: "You know what's better than being out of control? Being IN control. So give THAT a try." To me, that's like telling a drug addict her problems will be solved if she just stops wanting to use drugs, and then brushing off our hands briskly and saying, "There! Now if she doesn't change, it's because she doesn't WANT to and isn't TRYING to and isn't WILLING to DO THE WORK."
When I read other people's personal experiences, all of them read to me like this: "I decided I was out of control. So I got back into control! It's a constant effort and/or it no longer requires effort, but either way I'm in control rather than out of control, and that's a better way to be! You can do it too!"
For a long, long time, I thought the problem was that I hadn't found the Right Way yet. There are only so many decades of Right Ways I can try before it seems like it's not them, it's me.
There are so many levels of frustration here. Frustration at the lack of control, and the consequences of those lacks (and also PANIC about the consequences of those lacks). Frustration at the endlessly repeated failure to gain control (not REgain---I've never had it). Frustration at not being able to understand how others are managing it---or even make sense of their instructions. Frustration at being misunderstood as saying something other than what I'm saying, every single time I discuss it, because people can't understand how things are for me any more than I can understand how things are for them. Frustration at trying what I considered last-ditch efforts (medication, therapy) and having those also fail.
Boo. I read this thinking that when it seems like you can't get control over this or that yourself that's when to get outside help, then I read the last line.
ReplyDeleteI get frustrated sometimes too, over my lack of patience, my poor eating habits, the way I seem to find myself at ten o' clock at night in my pantry searching for the crunchiest, saltiest, hopefully pre-fried food I can find without the recollection of making the decision to actually WALK into the pantry. Sometimes it's give and take for me. I feel like I like the control over the tasks I've set for myself (school work, etc) and I TRY to buy better foods and such so that I'm not doing the late night crawl for junk, and then other times when I lose it with the kids, or just find myself escaping to another room over and over again for hours . . . eh. Some days are just better than others.
I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks.
I have been there.
I hope this is not assvice (and I know we have talked about it briefly before) but the only thing that has saved me is St. John's Wort from Trader Joe's. I tried other brands, but that's what worked for me best (so yes, anyone reading this! Do try other brands before giving up! Their quality, sourcing, and processes can all effect the final product!). It has been such FREEDOM knowing that my cycling thoughts and that brain-body disconnect were NOT my fault and not something I could control. I it is almost weep-inducing because I was SO HARD on myself. (I would tell you not to be so hard on yourself but I know that is part of the problem and...well, would wishing extra kindness your way be an acceptable substitute?)
The other thing I have noticed when I get fret-y and all of the above is that I am SUPER DUPER effected by my intake of 1) Sleep and 2) Sugar. It has taken me FOREVAARRR to learn those lessons - and I still have not perfected them - and maybe it is not the case for you ETCETERA DISCLAIMER ETCETERA - but maybe a few days focused on one or the other might help. Maybe not. Again, I hope this is not assvice. These are just things I wish people had told me at various points.
(Uh? Actually? I think you WERE The One who first mentioned St. John's Wort in a post a looong long time ago! So thank YOU!)
I wish I never found myself saying, "What is WRONG with me? Why can't I do this/not do that?" It is exhausting. I feel for you. Which probably doesn't help at all, but it's all I've got.
ReplyDeleteDrugs. It's frustrating and annoying and horrible to deal with stupid fucking doctors but DUDE you sound like you need a new drug. Like Huey Lewis and the News. Because I'm 100 years old.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, sometimes I think that control is just an illusion and that most people feel the way you do and the ones who say they don't are just lying or else just don't have the kind of personality that cares about that kind of thing. But what I can tell you is you're definitely not the only one. I can relate to what you're saying.
ReplyDeleteI think some people have control naturally, and some don't, and it's a spectrum with some of the ones in the middle being able to work at it and practice for a small gain in control, but nobody able to move vary far. And the ones who have it spend a lot of time patting themselves on the back for being so great at it, and everyone else is in varying degrees of hiding that they're not as "good at it".
ReplyDeleteWhat anonymous said.
ReplyDeleteI agree with anonymous too. Even when I feel like I AM in control, it never seems to last very long.
ReplyDeleteSpectrum--yes. Illusion--yes. I do think most people feel out of control about _________ (insert their situation, here). I also think that FOR ME, having a structure (ie, work, not being at home all day in the endless cycle of doing and undoing) in which to work/have social expectations/etc. helps TREMENDOUSLY because I have certain tasks that get accomplished giving me a greater sense of control--which buoys me for my non-work tasks. Of course, working comes with its own set of issues.
ReplyDeleteI believe, in some respects, most people cannot work around/medicate/compensate away their underlying personalities. (Does that sound snarky? Because that is NOT my intent. For example, people who take medication for Bi-Polar disorder still suffer the underlying disorder--it's still there beneath the surface but maybe just a little more hidden. People who learn compensation techniques for dyslexia still have dyslexia, etc, etc.)
The following is something that sometimes works for me:
ReplyDeleteThe one way to be periodically in control is to figure out a way to do things that is either new, or a way that you like to do things. You were in control when you did the early morning workout thing, and you were happy about it for a week or so. That's the nature of life and the human condition - for some people, doing the same thing over and over again is a drain.
So mix it up. Say, "this week, I'm going to do 1 chore, eat 1 healthy meal, do 1 15 minute workout thingy that I LIKE (pool, target walk, etc), and I will write 1 thing that I am thankful for." Start your goals small, and maybe only focus on one of your things this week.
The key is to try to insulate yourself from feelings of failure. Say, "OK, I didn't do this stuff yesterday, but I'm going to try today to do just a little bit." If you can help yourself feel confident to get started in a small way that you WANT to do, it will be easier to do more.
The other key is to try very hard not to get overwhelmed by all you COULD be doing. Try not to focus on that; instead, focus on what you are doing well, focus on how that makes you feel, focus on your one goal for the week and be confident that you can do it again next week.
After 1 or 2 weeks, evaluate your goals (on a weekend, or when you have time to yourself), and set all NEW ones. Humans get bored, and it will feel like work if you don't mix it up.
In a final note, what you're describing seems like mild depression - my doctor gives me ativan to take as needed - I take a 1/4 pill when I feel overwhelmed, and it helps me get one thing done.
I'm sorry. It sucks to feel out of control. I have days where I feel like I have no control of anything and am barely hanging on to my life with two fingernails, and then I have days where I think we all might just survive until next year, and we might be okay.
ReplyDeleteHere's my two cents. Accept it. Obviously don't accept life and sit on your ass and let it steamroll you. Accept that you are you and that although you feel out of control, you are still a really wonderful person with many, many strengths.
Then maybe try to control just your reactions, or just your appetite for like five minutes. Give yourself a chance to succeed. Acknowledge your tiny victory and pat yourself on the back.
Also, be kind to yourself. Life is a big job, and I think you're winning.
Hah! You silly! I just read your other blog. You are doing a magnificent job of parenting! What caring and thoughtful decisions you are making. You are approaching your children with such understanding and patience, no wonder you aren't giving yourself the attention you deserve!
ReplyDeleteTreat yourself as you would treat one of your kids. Stop judging and being frustrated. Be patient and try to take care of your own needs as you would take care of theirs.
(Same commenter as Anonymous 8:42) (That looks like a bible verse!)
This blog helps me sometimes, and although it is often too cheery for my tastes, when I am down, it gives me something to focus on.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.positivelypresent.com/2011/01/uncovering-the-difference-between-cheerful-and-positive.html
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is so hard to ever get out of it, because it feeds on itself.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I had to finally admit that most times I cannot control most things. Sometimes I can let myself off the hook like that, and then, it seems I get the spurt of energy I need to start structuring my life the way I want. It is as though I am paralyzed a lot of the time.
I will always look at other people and be amazed, and yes, envious. How do people work full time, go to grad school, raise kids, cook at home, scrapbook, run marathons, and keep the house clean? I do not know.
I am contsantly trying to make peace with the fact that I am only human and do not have control over much and trying not to become a static blob that "lets" life happen to me, to try and shape some of my life.
Oh, I understand. I wish I had some words of wisdom. Please know I am thinking of you, and do indeed think you are a rock star.
Yep. I get this. I rarely, if ever, feel in control of things. I usually blame it on my Poor Life Decisions, but I actually think that "modern" life, or whatever you want to call it, doesn't really allow us much opportunity to have control. Over food, exercise, parenting, housing, education, etc. I guess that's why religion is so popular?
ReplyDeleteAnyway. I relate.
Ah man, this sucks. I resonate with what the first anonymous said, and also with what Tess said. I feel loss of control with being married, even though I'm in a solid relationship. I can't explain it, but it's there.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling this way but I get it; stress can do a number of things to us...I guess you have tried therapy (based on your closing line) but you could try it again; it might help. Your commenters are very wise.
ReplyDeleteControl what is it? I know that one thing that helps me is 'routine' but with five kids that's gotta be tough. I feel for you! I read you other blog too and it seems to me that you have a happy, healthy houseful of kids (usually) and life with young ones can be a roller coaster. So hang on and ride it when you have to and excited for the straight runs when you get them. I don't have children and feel this way too sometimes! Love your blogs by the way!
ReplyDeleteI liked Tess's comment about "modern life." There's just way too many things we're all worrying about and feel pressure to accomplish or improve. Our health, our fitness, our family's health and fitness, our finances, our house, our car, our education, our kids' educations, blah blah blah. I literally feel my body slump in defeat thinking about everything I need to figure out and MANAGE. And yet CAN'T MANAGE. I generally feel like my life is a blur and a mess and sort of barely reigned in chaos. But... I think it's NORMAL. Control is a total illusion. As soon as you get one area of your life sort of scheduled and structured and under control, another one falls spectacularly apart and you're left berating yourself yet again. I so so feel you. I have decided to give up, and I mean it in the best sense, and not the sense of defeat. I just plain give up trying to be on top of every little thing. It is literally impossible. Whenever I feel a defeating, negative thought about what I'm failing to do, I'm trying to literally just shut it down and remember that NO ONE is getting everything done, let alone doing it all well.
ReplyDeleteYou know, one of my friends who recently gave birth to her third child as well remarked to me that she couldn't believe I managed to get a holiday card sent with a new baby in the house, or managed to bake Christmas cookies, etc. She said it made her feel she hated me a little bit. And you know what I told her? I just picked other things to NOT do, because I realized that if fun Christmas stuff was going to happen, other things were simply NOT going to happen. There was not room/time/energy for everything. I remember you once saying this about houework, for instance: It is more PLEASANT to be in a tidy and clean house, sure, but it is not NECESSARY. All that is necessary is for things to be sanitary. So something I try to do for myself frequently is remember which things are MUST DOs and which things are simply stuff I would like to accomplish at some point. Yes, we MUST have clean dishes and clean clothes and a floor at least picked up enough that we could escape the house quickly if there was a midnight fire. But dusting? Mopping? It's certainly NICER, but it is not necessary. If it doesn't get done, no one dies. So it's something I can put in my "would like to do" list rather than my "must-do."
So my only suggestion is for a few days keep a notebook and write down what is stressing you as soon as it crosses your brain, especially if it's some chore or responsibility or some thing like "get the kids to eat healthier" that is kind of vague for a to do list but is constantly causing you to fret. And then sit down and decide which things are absolute must dos, which things are high priority, and which things are simply things that would make your life more pleasant, but are in no way necessary.
I really hope that isn't stupid advise you've heard and tried before and found useless. It's just something I do periodically to help me reign in my priorities instead of just having mental freakouts all day long about what I feel like I'm failing to do.
Arrg. I feel like this is total assvice and you're probably sighing right now, but it's all I've got, and it does help me sometimes, so... I'm hitting post anyways.
I'm sorry, I know how it feels and it does suck, particularly the other-people-ness of it. The only thing that helps me, because I don't think it's chemical, necessarily, with me, is to do one thing better. It makes me feel much more optimistic, even if it's something ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteI totally relate to this. I rarely, if ever, feel in control anywhere. At work, at home - everything seems to go at too fast a pace and I can never catch up. I think Tess makes an awesome point about "modern life". Right now, I'm trying to do little things to give myself structure and keep on track.
ReplyDelete