We heard back from Mike's sister. She says no to our plan of her taking the house and the car and us taking the WAY SMALLER SHARE of just stocks and cash. She says she's "uncomfortable" with this because she wants the stocks for her financial security (oh, I see, she WANTS them!), and because she thinks the house will increase only slightly in value whereas the stocks will increase a lot. She says that's why "the plan is joint ownership," and that the great thing is that we (meaning her and us) can get a really good deal on a home equity loan right now!
You see what she's proposing? That WE take on half a SECOND MORTGAGE, to pay for repairs on the house she doesn't want to inherit but wants to live in "until the market improves." Meanwhile, she will take the car and she doesn't want to lose any of the stocks.
I'm happy to report that Mike says "Screw that." I think the mortgage idea is what really got through to him: not just "helping with repairs" but actually having ANOTHER MORTGAGE in addition to our own---with us getting nothing out of it. So he's emailing her back to say, "Okay, then let's sell the house as-is, as a fixer-upper, because there's no way we'll be able to get out the money we'd have to put in to fix it up. Then we'll split what it sells for, and the cash/stocks." (I'll make sure that it works out to include "...after taking the value of the car out of your half.")
I wish she'd just taken the house (because now we enter the world of real estate, and of getting her OUT), but I'm very, very, very happy that now Mike seems to have been steered off of his plan to let her live there indefinitely while we pay for repairs. I asked him if he thinks she's wily (trying to screw us) or just dim (so self-focused she doesn't even consider that we might not want to do what's best for her, even to our own detriment), and he waffled but basically went with "dim." Neither of us think she has ANY IDEA that if we sell the house, she'll end up having to pay rent elsewhere---and that the long-term cost of those rent payments will be FAR MORE than any problem with the house not increasing in value much, or with any financial security she thinks she'll get from the piddling stocks.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
More House
I'm sure you guys know FULL WELL how cheesed off I am about this house situation, since I'm even discussing it on my MAIN blog and HANG the risks.
Sometimes marriage is a sucky arrangement. Right now I feel yoked (via old-school neck-yoking oxen yoke, not some hippie double-necklace yoke made out of a daisy chain or whatever) to someone who isn't thinking rationally, and who is covering an almost pathological fear of confrontations with a semi-fake layer of "Doing the Right Thing" (hint: I disagree that it's the right thing for us to support his fully-capable sister) and who is therefore going to have a large and unpleasant impact on our finances, and all I can do is try to lessen the impact---AND have to FIGHT to lessen it.
I feel lucky that I don't feel this way all the time, as some spouses must feel. But that doesn't mean I don't feel unlucky in this particular circumstance. I'd rather NEVER feel like this. In general, I think one spouse shouldn't feel YANKED AROUND by the other spouse or else it starts getting pretty far away from what I think of as marriage.
It's one thing to say I should just tell him this thing, or just persuade him to do that thing, or just explain to him this other thing---but the problem comes when I've explained myself as thoroughly as I possibly can, AND HE DISAGREES. It reminds me of the "wanting another baby" thing---like, how can he continue to take a different stance when I have been SO CLEAR??? The impulse then is to CONTINUE EXPLAINING, but that isn't a plan that tends to, you know, WORK.
Here, too, at some point I will have to stop arguing with him about this. I can only push it so far or repeat myself so many times or restate my point so many ways before it starts to bring problems to the marriage. YES, I should be able to make him see it my way, but that has so far been unsuccessful. I think it's that he's willfully not understanding me, because he can't cope with what he would need to do if he DID understand and agree---i.e., tell his sister she needs to be fair.
And I don't blame him for not wanting a confrontation with his sister: she's like his mom, stubborn and irrational and critical of everyone else. If she sees something a certain way, there is no bringing her around to a different understanding of it. She's 34 and she acts 18. She tried to live like a grown-up after college, but each roommate soon kicked her out. It's HIGHLY likely that if he tried to make her be fair, she'd start throwing out arguments like "YOU have a place to live!!" and "But I can't FIND an apartment!!" or "Come on, YOU don't want to live here!!"
But he didn't have to dig us in DEEPER. When she made a suggestion, he could have said mildly, "No, I'd rather do this other thing" instead of saying "Yes you can live there for free, and how about making it indefinite, and make sure you charge us half for repairs." (Fortunately she hasn't done any yet, preferring to wait until the estate is settled so that she can take the money out of there.)
He had something similar going on in his relationship with his mom: like, just make her happy, with lies if necessary, and maybe she'll GO AWAY. He never notices it just makes people like his moms and sister MOOCH IN HARDER.
The sucky thing with marriage is that there are so many opportunities for an impasse with no good solution. Sure, I could essentially force him to do things my way with his sister, but he would resent it and it would damage our relationship. Sure, he might be able to force me to let him handle it his way, but I would resent it and it would damage our relationship. So now we have to pick our way through this MINEFIELD, and I feel like I'm picking carefully while he's standing on a pedestal of Being Kind to His Poor, Poor Sister and protecting said sister from the Complaining, Money-Grabbing Wife Who Never Even Liked His Mother---when what I'm ACTUALLY trying to do is be FAIR and even GENEROUS, but not to the point of being SUCKERS who get TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
Sometimes marriage is a sucky arrangement. Right now I feel yoked (via old-school neck-yoking oxen yoke, not some hippie double-necklace yoke made out of a daisy chain or whatever) to someone who isn't thinking rationally, and who is covering an almost pathological fear of confrontations with a semi-fake layer of "Doing the Right Thing" (hint: I disagree that it's the right thing for us to support his fully-capable sister) and who is therefore going to have a large and unpleasant impact on our finances, and all I can do is try to lessen the impact---AND have to FIGHT to lessen it.
I feel lucky that I don't feel this way all the time, as some spouses must feel. But that doesn't mean I don't feel unlucky in this particular circumstance. I'd rather NEVER feel like this. In general, I think one spouse shouldn't feel YANKED AROUND by the other spouse or else it starts getting pretty far away from what I think of as marriage.
It's one thing to say I should just tell him this thing, or just persuade him to do that thing, or just explain to him this other thing---but the problem comes when I've explained myself as thoroughly as I possibly can, AND HE DISAGREES. It reminds me of the "wanting another baby" thing---like, how can he continue to take a different stance when I have been SO CLEAR??? The impulse then is to CONTINUE EXPLAINING, but that isn't a plan that tends to, you know, WORK.
Here, too, at some point I will have to stop arguing with him about this. I can only push it so far or repeat myself so many times or restate my point so many ways before it starts to bring problems to the marriage. YES, I should be able to make him see it my way, but that has so far been unsuccessful. I think it's that he's willfully not understanding me, because he can't cope with what he would need to do if he DID understand and agree---i.e., tell his sister she needs to be fair.
And I don't blame him for not wanting a confrontation with his sister: she's like his mom, stubborn and irrational and critical of everyone else. If she sees something a certain way, there is no bringing her around to a different understanding of it. She's 34 and she acts 18. She tried to live like a grown-up after college, but each roommate soon kicked her out. It's HIGHLY likely that if he tried to make her be fair, she'd start throwing out arguments like "YOU have a place to live!!" and "But I can't FIND an apartment!!" or "Come on, YOU don't want to live here!!"
But he didn't have to dig us in DEEPER. When she made a suggestion, he could have said mildly, "No, I'd rather do this other thing" instead of saying "Yes you can live there for free, and how about making it indefinite, and make sure you charge us half for repairs." (Fortunately she hasn't done any yet, preferring to wait until the estate is settled so that she can take the money out of there.)
He had something similar going on in his relationship with his mom: like, just make her happy, with lies if necessary, and maybe she'll GO AWAY. He never notices it just makes people like his moms and sister MOOCH IN HARDER.
The sucky thing with marriage is that there are so many opportunities for an impasse with no good solution. Sure, I could essentially force him to do things my way with his sister, but he would resent it and it would damage our relationship. Sure, he might be able to force me to let him handle it his way, but I would resent it and it would damage our relationship. So now we have to pick our way through this MINEFIELD, and I feel like I'm picking carefully while he's standing on a pedestal of Being Kind to His Poor, Poor Sister and protecting said sister from the Complaining, Money-Grabbing Wife Who Never Even Liked His Mother---when what I'm ACTUALLY trying to do is be FAIR and even GENEROUS, but not to the point of being SUCKERS who get TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Tax
And hey, what IS the tax implication of owning half a house in another state? I'm guessing it's WEIRD and COMPLICATED.
Update on the Sister in the House
Do you remember This is Why I Don't Tell You These Things, in which Mike tried to defend the decision to let his sister live in their mother's house rent-free and indefinitely by turning it into something about ME and how crazy _I_ was? I knew I would need to revisit this subject with him, but I didn't know how.
The way I did it was, I waited untilI was sufficiently liquored up and I felt ready, and I said to him, out of the blue, while cooking dinner, "I know you're trying to keep us from getting all excited about chickens before they hatch [that was one of his excuses for keeping it from me], but the way it makes me feel is like you're excluding me from important decisions that affect our family, and that you're keeping secrets from me."
I let him process this for a minute (he seemed affectionate and sympathetic, like "Oh, my sweet and silly wifey!"), and then I launched into my primary issues. I feel like you're all so up on these things you already know, but the gist was (1) this current arrangement is unfair, and (2) this current arrangement is crazy, and (3) this current arrangement will lead to problems in the future.
I don't know if it had an effect. I said my piece, and he said a few things that I countered (examples:
1. he said his sister seemed pretty responsible and mature, and I said she was 34 and living with their mother because she got kicked out by the two roommates she tried to live with because she didn't do her share
2. he said he was sure it was just temporary and I said Uh huh and had anything been decided about who would pay for household repairs? No? HUH
3. he said that he was employed by a good company and couldn't ask his single sister to pay rent or take out a mortgage for half the house, and I pointed out that we could also see it as his free-and-clear sister who had 1.5 jobs and no children and no expenses vs. he who had a family and a mortgage).
And then I left for my evening walk, and we haven't said anything since.
The best I can hope for is that what I said is percolating. There are two worsts: (1) that he will ignore what I said, or that (2) he will agree, but will be unable to muster the intestinal fortitude to do anything about it.
Not that I even know what SHOULD be done. Because what SHOULD have been done is his sister never should have suggested such an arrangement, and I don't know how to handle someone who WOULD suggest it.
**** UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE ****
He just now forwarded me an email exchange he had with his sister, which he prefaced to me "Well, I tried." And would you like to know what he tried? He tried whining a little to her that he hoped this wouldn't go on too long because owning half a house was weird and he didn't know how to do that on his taxes, and that maybe it would make sense for her to someday slowly buy out his half. THAT IS ALL HE SAID. To which she responded that he should ASK HIS ACCOUNTANT about the tax thing, and also that they (he and she) would need to pay for the roof to be replaced. His accountant. That would be ME, I guess, since I do our taxes.
Did he say, "Hey, Beth, we need to talk about the house. If we're not going to sell it now, we need to decide if we're going to rent it out or what. Are you interested in keeping the house? If so, let's have the house appraised and you can buy me out---I don't mind that the market is low right now." NO.
I don't even know how to reply to that crap "Well, I tried."
The way I did it was, I waited until
I let him process this for a minute (he seemed affectionate and sympathetic, like "Oh, my sweet and silly wifey!"), and then I launched into my primary issues. I feel like you're all so up on these things you already know, but the gist was (1) this current arrangement is unfair, and (2) this current arrangement is crazy, and (3) this current arrangement will lead to problems in the future.
I don't know if it had an effect. I said my piece, and he said a few things that I countered (examples:
1. he said his sister seemed pretty responsible and mature, and I said she was 34 and living with their mother because she got kicked out by the two roommates she tried to live with because she didn't do her share
2. he said he was sure it was just temporary and I said Uh huh and had anything been decided about who would pay for household repairs? No? HUH
3. he said that he was employed by a good company and couldn't ask his single sister to pay rent or take out a mortgage for half the house, and I pointed out that we could also see it as his free-and-clear sister who had 1.5 jobs and no children and no expenses vs. he who had a family and a mortgage).
And then I left for my evening walk, and we haven't said anything since.
The best I can hope for is that what I said is percolating. There are two worsts: (1) that he will ignore what I said, or that (2) he will agree, but will be unable to muster the intestinal fortitude to do anything about it.
Not that I even know what SHOULD be done. Because what SHOULD have been done is his sister never should have suggested such an arrangement, and I don't know how to handle someone who WOULD suggest it.
**** UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE ****
He just now forwarded me an email exchange he had with his sister, which he prefaced to me "Well, I tried." And would you like to know what he tried? He tried whining a little to her that he hoped this wouldn't go on too long because owning half a house was weird and he didn't know how to do that on his taxes, and that maybe it would make sense for her to someday slowly buy out his half. THAT IS ALL HE SAID. To which she responded that he should ASK HIS ACCOUNTANT about the tax thing, and also that they (he and she) would need to pay for the roof to be replaced. His accountant. That would be ME, I guess, since I do our taxes.
Did he say, "Hey, Beth, we need to talk about the house. If we're not going to sell it now, we need to decide if we're going to rent it out or what. Are you interested in keeping the house? If so, let's have the house appraised and you can buy me out---I don't mind that the market is low right now." NO.
I don't even know how to reply to that crap "Well, I tried."
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Hope for Misunderstanding
My mother is, coincidentally through her job, in a situation where she has power to influence whether a gay couple is able to adopt an infant. The only two things she knows about the couple are that (1) they are gay and (2) they are desperate to adopt. She has chosen to use the power she has to oppose the adoption, solely on the basis of the homosexuality of the couple. I don't think I've ever been so ashamed and embarrassed.
I've written a check to GLAAD, because I don't know what else to do: the problem with not being religious is I can't pray. But here is what I hope:
1. Of course primarily I hope that her small influence will prove to be completely ineffective, and that the baby will go to whatever is the right family for it.
2. But I also hope that if she's right, and the god she worships is indeed the way she thinks he is, that I will be allowed to rot in the soil when I die instead of going to Hell, since it seems as if any entity allowed to control the universe would agree that the concept of "free will"---which is so important to him he allows adults and children to be raped and abused and molested and tortured, all for the sake of it---includes the option to NOT follow the entity, without being punished by an eternity of torture.
2. That if Hell does in fact exist, that Satan will prove to be just another creature who dared to disagree with god, and therefore a perfectly reasonable creature who runs a fine place to live.
3. That she is wrong, and that no such awful entity as her god exists.
4. That if he does exist but is not as she thinks he is, he has been completely misunderstood and will forgive her for misunderstanding, considering he wrote a confusing manual and then has been completely silent and sequel-less for more than 2000 years, and that he will intercede in this case to make sure the best family for the infant is allowed to adopt it, or at least will not actively intercede for the worse.
I've written a check to GLAAD, because I don't know what else to do: the problem with not being religious is I can't pray. But here is what I hope:
1. Of course primarily I hope that her small influence will prove to be completely ineffective, and that the baby will go to whatever is the right family for it.
2. But I also hope that if she's right, and the god she worships is indeed the way she thinks he is, that I will be allowed to rot in the soil when I die instead of going to Hell, since it seems as if any entity allowed to control the universe would agree that the concept of "free will"---which is so important to him he allows adults and children to be raped and abused and molested and tortured, all for the sake of it---includes the option to NOT follow the entity, without being punished by an eternity of torture.
2. That if Hell does in fact exist, that Satan will prove to be just another creature who dared to disagree with god, and therefore a perfectly reasonable creature who runs a fine place to live.
3. That she is wrong, and that no such awful entity as her god exists.
4. That if he does exist but is not as she thinks he is, he has been completely misunderstood and will forgive her for misunderstanding, considering he wrote a confusing manual and then has been completely silent and sequel-less for more than 2000 years, and that he will intercede in this case to make sure the best family for the infant is allowed to adopt it, or at least will not actively intercede for the worse.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Birthday-Related Dilemma
Do you know what DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince ruined FOREVER? The starting line "Okay, here's the situation." No one can EVER SAY THAT AGAIN without the entire readership saying "My parents went away for a week's vacation!"
Anyway, here's the sitch. I have three friends I exchange birthday gifts with every year. My last birthday, two of them forgot. One of them has a birthday coming up, which I remember. What do I do?
If I send her a present, she will go "OH SH*T!!" as she remembers that she forgot my birthday. No good.
If I send her a card, she will go "OH SH*T!!" as she remembers that she forgot my birthday, and then she will feel punished by my only-card-no-present. No good.
If I do nothing, she might remember that she forgot my birthday and say "OH SH*T!" and also feel even more severely punished, or she might NOT remember that she forgot my birthday and think _I_ forgot HER birthday. No good and no good.
Anyway, here's the sitch. I have three friends I exchange birthday gifts with every year. My last birthday, two of them forgot. One of them has a birthday coming up, which I remember. What do I do?
If I send her a present, she will go "OH SH*T!!" as she remembers that she forgot my birthday. No good.
If I send her a card, she will go "OH SH*T!!" as she remembers that she forgot my birthday, and then she will feel punished by my only-card-no-present. No good.
If I do nothing, she might remember that she forgot my birthday and say "OH SH*T!" and also feel even more severely punished, or she might NOT remember that she forgot my birthday and think _I_ forgot HER birthday. No good and no good.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
So Mad
I'm so angry. My mom, turning red all over her face and down her neck, told me today that, according to her, "Obama's healthcare plan" passed, meaning, as she put it, that "we pay for everyone else."
I can't even process this, it's so crazy. OH YES, obviously the KRAZY BLACK MAN wanted YOU to pay for EVERYONE ELSE.
Just for starters, what does she think health insurance already IS? Mike and I pay more than our mortgage per month for our insurance, and we have a $2000 deductible per person. She pays $1000 per month for her insurance and has a $10,000 deductible. Where does that money go? In a nice safe savings account for our own health insurance coverage? NO, it pays for OTHER PEOPLE'S health coverage. And, if we need it, other people's money pays for ours.
She was all, "I don't want to pay for other people's health insurance!" Which, first of all, as I just said, that is what health insurance IS: everyone pays in, and the people who need it take out. And secondly, who does she thinks pays for Medicaid and Medicare? That's TAXES. That's US, paying for OTHER PEOPLE'S costs. She is 100% anti-abortion (that is, she is against abortion even if the mother will die otherwise), and who does she want to pay for the programs that support mothers who have their children rather than aborting them? Us! That's what she WANTS.
I'm so mad, I can't stand this. I can't watch her face and neck turn bright red as she blames THE BLACK DEMOCRAT for what has been the case ALL ALONG. She and my dad retired before age 65: who, again, is to blame that they don't have health insurance through an employer? How, again, are they being hurt by a "socialist health care" plan that has not in fact had any effect on the health insurance either of us has -slash- pays for? Both THEY and WE have exactly the same cost/coverage as when Bush was president, so WHAT IS THE ISSUE HERE?
I can't even process this, it's so crazy. OH YES, obviously the KRAZY BLACK MAN wanted YOU to pay for EVERYONE ELSE.
Just for starters, what does she think health insurance already IS? Mike and I pay more than our mortgage per month for our insurance, and we have a $2000 deductible per person. She pays $1000 per month for her insurance and has a $10,000 deductible. Where does that money go? In a nice safe savings account for our own health insurance coverage? NO, it pays for OTHER PEOPLE'S health coverage. And, if we need it, other people's money pays for ours.
She was all, "I don't want to pay for other people's health insurance!" Which, first of all, as I just said, that is what health insurance IS: everyone pays in, and the people who need it take out. And secondly, who does she thinks pays for Medicaid and Medicare? That's TAXES. That's US, paying for OTHER PEOPLE'S costs. She is 100% anti-abortion (that is, she is against abortion even if the mother will die otherwise), and who does she want to pay for the programs that support mothers who have their children rather than aborting them? Us! That's what she WANTS.
I'm so mad, I can't stand this. I can't watch her face and neck turn bright red as she blames THE BLACK DEMOCRAT for what has been the case ALL ALONG. She and my dad retired before age 65: who, again, is to blame that they don't have health insurance through an employer? How, again, are they being hurt by a "socialist health care" plan that has not in fact had any effect on the health insurance either of us has -slash- pays for? Both THEY and WE have exactly the same cost/coverage as when Bush was president, so WHAT IS THE ISSUE HERE?
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