There has been a possibly very good turn of events on the Alcohol Issue. As I mentioned before, I hadn't been doing any drinking at all since Mike got so upset that one night, and I know Mike noticed because he was acting kind of sheepish. I wanted to bring up the topic again but I also DREADED discussing it. Finally he brought it up by saying I could drink if I wanted to, and I said something gentle and caring such as "You have GOT to be kidding me!"
So our talk started out basically like the last talk, with me pointing out the differences between tipsiness and drunkenness, but this time I asked him some of the questions you asked ME last time: Was he worried I would become an alcoholic? Did HE think I had been drunk and not tipsy? Had he had a bad experience in the past? What WAS worrying him so much??
Then, again pulling from your comments, I asked what did he think would HELP. Would it help to watch movies with drunks in them, for comparison? Would it help to go to a bar and do some people-watching? Would he feel better if I were drinking wine rather than vodka? Should we Google tipsiness/drunkness/alcoholism? What if he tried to drink, to see what it felt like? HOW COULD WE CHANGE THINGS SO THAT I COULD DO WHAT I WANTED WITHOUT HIM CRYING??
So he Googled. Then he made both of us a very large drink, and then another, and we talked about what it felt like and whether he thought it felt like DANGEROUS CRAZY DRUNKENNESS. And then he said he was very, very sorry for being such an idiot. And he said it again the next day when he was no longer tipsy.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Guest Constance #24
[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]
********
Dear Mother In Law,
I think you are a horrible person. I think you are, and were, a terrible mother to your children. They are all damaged, some beyond repair, and it is 100% your fault. You are selfish, mean hearted and just awful to be around. Even your own sisters dislike you.
I told you I never wanted anything to do with you after you called my work and harassed my assistant. You asked personal and invasive questions about me to a complete stranger who happens to be one of my subordinates. And you have the nerve to tell my husband I am welcome in your home again? Fuck you bitch.
Karma is a funny thing, and I know your secret. I knew where to look when we were getting ready for the estate sale and now I know you had at least two affairs during your marriage. I know your youngest child was not fathered by your husband, and I know there was another man later on. I found the letter you wrote to him wondering why he had not had contact with you. I love that you were used and dumped.
But, you know what? I will die with your secret. I respect your family way more than you do, and will never tell them because it will make them hate you more than they already do. My husband doesn’t deserve to have to come to terms with your infidelity on top of all of the other ways you mistreated him. Your sisters don’t need more ammunition. One of your sons won’t believe it because he’s just like you.
So, of all the people in this crazy messed up family, I carry your secret. My keeping it has nothing to do with my loyalty to you, and everything to do with the fact that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt these wonderful, fragile people.
Yours,
One of the Daughters In Law who won’t have anything to do with you.
P.S. Your husband wears women’s underwear.
Constance Readers: Lest you judge me to quickly, following is a short list of some of MIL's antics. Read them before you decide I am the worst DIL in the history of the world.
1. MIL took BIL-4’s three children to church with her and had them baptized without their parents permission. The parents do not share her religious preferences and had chosen to allow the children to make their own decisions about religion and baptism. This was done solely so that she could stand with them in front of the congregation and receive the praise and adoration she longs for.
2. After the rehearsal of BIL-2’s wedding, MIL changed the music with the organist to a piece of her choosing without permission from the Bride or Groom, resulting in a bit of chaos at the end of the wedding. MIL later said she did it so that she could "leave her mark" on the wedding.
3. BIL-3 has a beautiful pre-teen daughter. As an infant she was not the cutest baby. MIL had in her possession a less than flattering baby snapshot she was planning on giving to Niece’s husband on their wedding day. She bragged about this and showed me the picture and told me her plan several times, calling Niece and ugly duckling. When I asked why she would do this she stated that it would be funny. I stole the picture several years ago.
4. As referenced above, MIL called my work and harassed our reception staff. My husband screens her calls and very seldom talks to her so instead she went through the effort of tracking down my work number and calling me. (We won’t give her my cell number and we don’t have a home phone.) When the front desk staff answered the phone and let her know I was not in the office she would not accept his offer to leave a message on my voicemail but kept asking where I was and stating she wanted to talk to me. He transferred the call to my department, where my assistant spoke with her. Again she did not take, “She’s not here.’ as an answer and demanded to know where I was. My assistant told her I was at an appointment and MIL went off on some rant asking if I was pregnant and other personal questions. The kicker is that she called again later in the day. I called her back and let her know that under no circumstances was she to ever call me at work, nor did I want any contact with her in any manner.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Carrying this has been stressful and I’ve wanted to get it off my chest but am not comfortable sharing it with anyone who might know my husband.
********
Dear Mother In Law,
I think you are a horrible person. I think you are, and were, a terrible mother to your children. They are all damaged, some beyond repair, and it is 100% your fault. You are selfish, mean hearted and just awful to be around. Even your own sisters dislike you.
I told you I never wanted anything to do with you after you called my work and harassed my assistant. You asked personal and invasive questions about me to a complete stranger who happens to be one of my subordinates. And you have the nerve to tell my husband I am welcome in your home again? Fuck you bitch.
Karma is a funny thing, and I know your secret. I knew where to look when we were getting ready for the estate sale and now I know you had at least two affairs during your marriage. I know your youngest child was not fathered by your husband, and I know there was another man later on. I found the letter you wrote to him wondering why he had not had contact with you. I love that you were used and dumped.
But, you know what? I will die with your secret. I respect your family way more than you do, and will never tell them because it will make them hate you more than they already do. My husband doesn’t deserve to have to come to terms with your infidelity on top of all of the other ways you mistreated him. Your sisters don’t need more ammunition. One of your sons won’t believe it because he’s just like you.
So, of all the people in this crazy messed up family, I carry your secret. My keeping it has nothing to do with my loyalty to you, and everything to do with the fact that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt these wonderful, fragile people.
Yours,
One of the Daughters In Law who won’t have anything to do with you.
P.S. Your husband wears women’s underwear.
Constance Readers: Lest you judge me to quickly, following is a short list of some of MIL's antics. Read them before you decide I am the worst DIL in the history of the world.
1. MIL took BIL-4’s three children to church with her and had them baptized without their parents permission. The parents do not share her religious preferences and had chosen to allow the children to make their own decisions about religion and baptism. This was done solely so that she could stand with them in front of the congregation and receive the praise and adoration she longs for.
2. After the rehearsal of BIL-2’s wedding, MIL changed the music with the organist to a piece of her choosing without permission from the Bride or Groom, resulting in a bit of chaos at the end of the wedding. MIL later said she did it so that she could "leave her mark" on the wedding.
3. BIL-3 has a beautiful pre-teen daughter. As an infant she was not the cutest baby. MIL had in her possession a less than flattering baby snapshot she was planning on giving to Niece’s husband on their wedding day. She bragged about this and showed me the picture and told me her plan several times, calling Niece and ugly duckling. When I asked why she would do this she stated that it would be funny. I stole the picture several years ago.
4. As referenced above, MIL called my work and harassed our reception staff. My husband screens her calls and very seldom talks to her so instead she went through the effort of tracking down my work number and calling me. (We won’t give her my cell number and we don’t have a home phone.) When the front desk staff answered the phone and let her know I was not in the office she would not accept his offer to leave a message on my voicemail but kept asking where I was and stating she wanted to talk to me. He transferred the call to my department, where my assistant spoke with her. Again she did not take, “She’s not here.’ as an answer and demanded to know where I was. My assistant told her I was at an appointment and MIL went off on some rant asking if I was pregnant and other personal questions. The kicker is that she called again later in the day. I called her back and let her know that under no circumstances was she to ever call me at work, nor did I want any contact with her in any manner.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Carrying this has been stressful and I’ve wanted to get it off my chest but am not comfortable sharing it with anyone who might know my husband.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Wheep! Wheep!
I thought things were going well with the alcohol thing. Whenever I had a drink, I made a "Wheep! wheep! wheep!" alarm sound, as we'd joked about during our discussion. Or I would take the drink to where he was and clear my throat and then drink it in an exaggerated way, and it really seemed to make things more lighthearted, even though I dislike the feeling of being Monitored. I decreased both the frequency and the quantity of the drinking, partly out of consideration for the way it might upset Mike and partly because it was a natural consequence of feeling Monitored.
The problem is, it's still upsetting Mike. He associates "tipsy" behavior with DANGEROUS DRUNKENNESS, despite our talk. So, for example, when I dozed off lightly in the recliner while reading, 15 minutes before bedtime, he was CRYING from the stress and worry of it. I have tranquilizers I could take instead of using alcohol as a tranquilizer, but they make me doze off, too. So does BEING IN THE RECLINER AT BEDTIME.
I don't know what's the right decision here---and by "right" I mean right for me and my household, not for other people and their households. On one hand I'm inclined to NOT upset Mike, obv: he's my husband and I'm fond of him and I don't like to see him upset, and also I think spouses should if possible both make changes that make the household happier for each other, especially if the change is a "doesn't matter either way" change to the spouse making the change.
On the other hand, I like drinking, and I don't think it's in the danger zone at my current level, and I feel like I'm good at NOTICING how much I'm drinking and how I'm reacting to it, and for me this doesn't fall into the "doesn't matter either way" category: I would MIND becoming a teetotaler just because my husband preferred it, just as I would mind becoming a vegetarian just because my husband preferred it. I think Mike is wrong in what he considers A Scary Sign---but of course, me thinking so doesn't change how he feels about it.
I stopped drinking completely after the night where I dozed off, and that seems to reassure him: that I can stop, and then day after day goes by and I am still stopped. But I wish this didn't have to be an ISSUE like this.
The problem is, it's still upsetting Mike. He associates "tipsy" behavior with DANGEROUS DRUNKENNESS, despite our talk. So, for example, when I dozed off lightly in the recliner while reading, 15 minutes before bedtime, he was CRYING from the stress and worry of it. I have tranquilizers I could take instead of using alcohol as a tranquilizer, but they make me doze off, too. So does BEING IN THE RECLINER AT BEDTIME.
I don't know what's the right decision here---and by "right" I mean right for me and my household, not for other people and their households. On one hand I'm inclined to NOT upset Mike, obv: he's my husband and I'm fond of him and I don't like to see him upset, and also I think spouses should if possible both make changes that make the household happier for each other, especially if the change is a "doesn't matter either way" change to the spouse making the change.
On the other hand, I like drinking, and I don't think it's in the danger zone at my current level, and I feel like I'm good at NOTICING how much I'm drinking and how I'm reacting to it, and for me this doesn't fall into the "doesn't matter either way" category: I would MIND becoming a teetotaler just because my husband preferred it, just as I would mind becoming a vegetarian just because my husband preferred it. I think Mike is wrong in what he considers A Scary Sign---but of course, me thinking so doesn't change how he feels about it.
I stopped drinking completely after the night where I dozed off, and that seems to reassure him: that I can stop, and then day after day goes by and I am still stopped. But I wish this didn't have to be an ISSUE like this.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Guest Constance #23
[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]
********
Dear Mom,
I get it. You hated the marriage. You felt miserable and had felt that way for a while. You wanted out. I'm not defending him, and I'm not blaming you. Life happens.
You see, when you get a divorce and you've got kids, the divorce impacts not just you, but all of us. I know you were unhappy and it was the "best time" for you, but that's the point. The "best time" for you was a particularly crappy time for the rest of us. I'm not saying that you should have suffered for us (you made it very clear that you suffered plenty for us for the entire time we have existed), but seriously, you could have waited another 2 months. Life for all of us (including you!!) would have been better if you could have waited another 2 freaking months. He never abused you, he didn't treat you poorly, he didn't disrespect you, he never cheated. You two just didn't get along well. Still, you weren't happy. Fine. It takes two to tango, and he doesn't dance.
But after everything was signed and the dust had settled, why did you feel it necessary to tell me that you wish you had never become my mother? Why did you feel the need to rant telling me how I had ruined your life? I mean, I know it was me planned the whole conception thing and spent every waking moment of my life planning and carrying out plots to ruin your life... so I guess it's at least partially my fault. I guess it's also my fault that I required food and diapers and refused to thank you for taking care of me when I was 6 months old. What can I say, I was going through a phase and felt like being a b!tch. Sorry.
But let me quickly point out the tiny flaw in your logic: I was born AFTER you met my father, AFTER you got married, and AFTER you had my sister. I totally see how it was really ME who ruined your marriage.
Suck it,
Your daughter
(You know, the one standing between you and world peace, the cure for AIDS, and free chocolate for life)
P.S. Oh, and the whole "but I don't remember saying any of that" schtick is NOT COOL. You said it, you look guilty when I bring it up; just admit to it already so we can both move on.
Dear Sister,
I get it. You didn't want to deal with the divorce. So instead of coming home from college, you ran further away and went out of your way to find things to occupy your time. You called ONCE. You made sure I wasn't about to off myself, and that was it. I know you don't do emotions, but I needed someone else to help me. You're welcome, by the way. I'd had the pleasure of taking care of them in sickness and in craziness ever since you left. That's right. All the time in the hospitals and you couldn't bare to face them. They're doing fine now, no thanks to you.
Unexpected medical problems happen. But I have been on parental butt wiping/hospital schlepping/post-hospital care since I graduated from college 3 years ago, and your 1 week visits once a year are no longer cutting it since you have paid leave. I don't get to go out and have a beer because I have to do injections and dressing changes. I can't have friends over, I can't move out, and I can't have a 9-5 job because I have to be here every 3-4 hours for something. So sorry to be so whiny, but I don't want to hear another complaint from you about how you had to go visit another country on the company's expense account, how you were literally dragged out to a bar by your friends (again), or how you can't seem to spend all your money.
You get the parents now because I've taken them for the first 25 years, and I officially declare it YOUR TURN as and when I decide to HAVE A LIFE. You owe me. I'm calling it in. Get your butt back here for at least the next 7 years.
You're out drinking with friends, and it's time for me to do another diaper change,
Your sister
********
Dear Mom,
I get it. You hated the marriage. You felt miserable and had felt that way for a while. You wanted out. I'm not defending him, and I'm not blaming you. Life happens.
You see, when you get a divorce and you've got kids, the divorce impacts not just you, but all of us. I know you were unhappy and it was the "best time" for you, but that's the point. The "best time" for you was a particularly crappy time for the rest of us. I'm not saying that you should have suffered for us (you made it very clear that you suffered plenty for us for the entire time we have existed), but seriously, you could have waited another 2 months. Life for all of us (including you!!) would have been better if you could have waited another 2 freaking months. He never abused you, he didn't treat you poorly, he didn't disrespect you, he never cheated. You two just didn't get along well. Still, you weren't happy. Fine. It takes two to tango, and he doesn't dance.
But after everything was signed and the dust had settled, why did you feel it necessary to tell me that you wish you had never become my mother? Why did you feel the need to rant telling me how I had ruined your life? I mean, I know it was me planned the whole conception thing and spent every waking moment of my life planning and carrying out plots to ruin your life... so I guess it's at least partially my fault. I guess it's also my fault that I required food and diapers and refused to thank you for taking care of me when I was 6 months old. What can I say, I was going through a phase and felt like being a b!tch. Sorry.
But let me quickly point out the tiny flaw in your logic: I was born AFTER you met my father, AFTER you got married, and AFTER you had my sister. I totally see how it was really ME who ruined your marriage.
Suck it,
Your daughter
(You know, the one standing between you and world peace, the cure for AIDS, and free chocolate for life)
P.S. Oh, and the whole "but I don't remember saying any of that" schtick is NOT COOL. You said it, you look guilty when I bring it up; just admit to it already so we can both move on.
Dear Sister,
I get it. You didn't want to deal with the divorce. So instead of coming home from college, you ran further away and went out of your way to find things to occupy your time. You called ONCE. You made sure I wasn't about to off myself, and that was it. I know you don't do emotions, but I needed someone else to help me. You're welcome, by the way. I'd had the pleasure of taking care of them in sickness and in craziness ever since you left. That's right. All the time in the hospitals and you couldn't bare to face them. They're doing fine now, no thanks to you.
Unexpected medical problems happen. But I have been on parental butt wiping/hospital schlepping/post-hospital care since I graduated from college 3 years ago, and your 1 week visits once a year are no longer cutting it since you have paid leave. I don't get to go out and have a beer because I have to do injections and dressing changes. I can't have friends over, I can't move out, and I can't have a 9-5 job because I have to be here every 3-4 hours for something. So sorry to be so whiny, but I don't want to hear another complaint from you about how you had to go visit another country on the company's expense account, how you were literally dragged out to a bar by your friends (again), or how you can't seem to spend all your money.
You get the parents now because I've taken them for the first 25 years, and I officially declare it YOUR TURN as and when I decide to HAVE A LIFE. You owe me. I'm calling it in. Get your butt back here for at least the next 7 years.
You're out drinking with friends, and it's time for me to do another diaper change,
Your sister
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Reporting In
The first time I drank too much was awhile back, a couple of months ago I think. I didn't drink more than usual but I'd eaten much less than usual, so what happened was I felt so drowsy I was queasy, and I went to bed at 7:30.
Last night was the second time. I didn't notice it so much at the time; I noticed it this morning. I still didn't get a hangover, but what I'm finding exceedingly unpleasant is frequent thoughts along the lines of "Wait...did I brush the kids' teeth last night?" and "I don't really remember getting him into his pajamas last night."
There aren't any actual blanks: each unpleasant struggle to remember is followed by the ability to remember, albeit foggily and after too long a pause. But I'd really, REALLY like to never do that again. I HATE this feeling.
Also, the time SPED by last night. I couldn't believe how quickly it was 8:00, then 10:00. I didn't like that, either. Then my sleep was disrupted: I had lots of dreams and I kept waking up again and again. Bleah.
This morning I was STARVING and had a huge serving of leftover chicken and baked potato for breakfast. I didn't want to drink coffee because I want to make my sleep as good as possible tonight, so I felt foggy all morning and I dozed off while the 2-year-old was napping.
So anyway, I'm just reporting in. I like Jess's idea of consciously tracking the drinking the way someone might consciously track eating. I also like the idea of being accountable for missteps, and for now this is a good place for me to do that---I don't really want to confide in Mike about it. I'm not going to drink today or Friday; I do plan to drink tomorrow and Saturday for bow-chicka-bow-bow reasons, but I'm going to keep it light and then I have no plans to drink for the week following, though no plans NOT to either so we'll see how things work out. Okay, so anyway, thanks for letting me check in.
Last night was the second time. I didn't notice it so much at the time; I noticed it this morning. I still didn't get a hangover, but what I'm finding exceedingly unpleasant is frequent thoughts along the lines of "Wait...did I brush the kids' teeth last night?" and "I don't really remember getting him into his pajamas last night."
There aren't any actual blanks: each unpleasant struggle to remember is followed by the ability to remember, albeit foggily and after too long a pause. But I'd really, REALLY like to never do that again. I HATE this feeling.
Also, the time SPED by last night. I couldn't believe how quickly it was 8:00, then 10:00. I didn't like that, either. Then my sleep was disrupted: I had lots of dreams and I kept waking up again and again. Bleah.
This morning I was STARVING and had a huge serving of leftover chicken and baked potato for breakfast. I didn't want to drink coffee because I want to make my sleep as good as possible tonight, so I felt foggy all morning and I dozed off while the 2-year-old was napping.
So anyway, I'm just reporting in. I like Jess's idea of consciously tracking the drinking the way someone might consciously track eating. I also like the idea of being accountable for missteps, and for now this is a good place for me to do that---I don't really want to confide in Mike about it. I'm not going to drink today or Friday; I do plan to drink tomorrow and Saturday for bow-chicka-bow-bow reasons, but I'm going to keep it light and then I have no plans to drink for the week following, though no plans NOT to either so we'll see how things work out. Okay, so anyway, thanks for letting me check in.
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