Do you know what DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince ruined FOREVER? The starting line "Okay, here's the situation." No one can EVER SAY THAT AGAIN without the entire readership saying "My parents went away for a week's vacation!"
Anyway, here's the sitch. I have three friends I exchange birthday gifts with every year. My last birthday, two of them forgot. One of them has a birthday coming up, which I remember. What do I do?
If I send her a present, she will go "OH SH*T!!" as she remembers that she forgot my birthday. No good.
If I send her a card, she will go "OH SH*T!!" as she remembers that she forgot my birthday, and then she will feel punished by my only-card-no-present. No good.
If I do nothing, she might remember that she forgot my birthday and say "OH SH*T!" and also feel even more severely punished, or she might NOT remember that she forgot my birthday and think _I_ forgot HER birthday. No good and no good.
Send the present! Or at least, I would. I don't think you can avoid feeling just a little bit self-satisfied about being the rememberful one, but I always repeat to myself that I don't get other people gifts just to receive them in return. Even if I do kind of love getting gifts in return. And hate it when friends forget my birthday!
ReplyDeleteI would give the present. Unless you wanted to change the friendship to a non-gift giving friendship, then just send a card. But my guess is you love giving presents and so you would still want to. You're not trying to make her feel bad, you're just doing the nice thing you do. No reason to stop because she forgot.
ReplyDeleteI say send the gift. If she has the "OH SHIT!" moment she will just make up for it with an extra-nice gift next year.
ReplyDeleteI really understand your dilemma. Maybe this year, send her a gift if you already have one in mind. Then in the future, if she still forgets, you can change your birthday gift giving to a birthday card giving. I know you're not trying to make any of your friends feel bad, even if they miss your birthday one year (maybe they forgot or maybe didn't have money and were embarassed) but if it happens more than once I personally would have a hard time thinking its not a mistake or an off year. At that point, I'd probably just honor their day with a smaller gesture like a card and maybe with some old pictures of the two of you together. Then taper off to just a card and possibly nothing. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSend her the gift!
ReplyDeleteI say send her the gift. She DID forget, but you're an adult and you can handle someone forgetting your birthday and she knows this. It's no biggie, really.
ReplyDeleteSend the gift. If she continues to forget your bday then I personally would transition to a non-gift giving friendship. I've had to do that with some extended family members for Christmas presents. We have always bought Christmas presents for their kids but they never buy them for ours. While I don't want to be petty or immature, it is expensive to mail gifts to them far away and if they aren't willing to put the effort in for our kids then I had to finally say a card with holiday wishes is good enough.
ReplyDeleteSend the gift. Forget whether she remembered or not and do what you would normally do!
ReplyDeleteSend the gift. Anything else will seem passive aggressive. If she says "oh shit" that's on her for forgetting-don't worry (anymore) about it.
ReplyDeleteI'll go against the flow and say - don't send the gift! I was on gift-giving terms for many years with a friend whose birthday is exactly one month before mine. It seemed as if each year, her gift to me would arrive later and later - often we would get together a few times after my birthday, and each time she would apologize for the lack of gift, before finally coming up with one. This seemed like a hint that maybe the whole gift-exchange had outlived its usefulness. So one year I bit the bullet and didn't buy a gift for her birthday. I had to be the one to do it because her birthday comes first in the year, so I was the one creating what seemed to be an increasingly onerous obligation to return the favour each year. Now we just go out for a movie together sometime between her birthday and mine, and it works better. If she had come up with a gift the year I skipped her birthday it would have been terrible!
ReplyDeleteHere's my current thought process on gifts:
ReplyDeleteI like giving people that I care about gifts regardless of whether or not it's reciprocated.
I have some very flaky family who often forget my birthday, but I still send them gifts because I want to. It might make them feel bad that they forgot, but that's not my fault so I take that out of the equation as much as possible.
SO, all that to say that I would send a gift.
If you want to change how you feel about something, change how you think about it.
ReplyDeleteGive her a gift if it is what you want to do because it makes you happy. Sometimes you do things for other people that kind of isn't really about them at all.
I'd send her a gift and then maybe have a conversation with her about exchanging gifts at a later time. She might've just forgotten, or else maybe she's financially strapped and doesn't know how to tell you.
ReplyDeleteI used to exchange gifts with my two best friends, but we'd go longer and longer in between seeing each other, so when we did, it was like, "Here's your birthday present...six months later," etc. Then I broached the subject about stopping the gift exchange, saying I was trying to save money, and both friends were SO relieved because they were in the same boat.
Now we just get together whenever we can and have a nice dinner out.
If you enjoy giving gifts, then give her the gift. Her reaction is not your issue.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to keep sending gifts, then send one. But if you don't, then just send a card and don't worry about it. Most of my friendships have changed from gift-giving to card-sending ones without anyone really acknowledging it, and it hasn't affected my friendships in the least.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha! Love the DJ Jazzy Jeff reference.
ReplyDeleteI think etiquette says you send one to her no matter what she has done. (IF you want to send a gift, that is.) Because I'm such a paragon of etiquette standards... I have forgotten to send WEDDING gifts for the last 3 weddings for which I've received invitations, even longer than the 1-year deal. guiltguiltguilt
Send a gift, yes, if that's what you would normally do.
ReplyDeleteUnless you're pissed, annoyed or just don't feel like doing that anymore, which is fine, too. In which case, send a card.
Then fret no more.!
I would send a gift. If you are anything like me that if you don't you will be eaten up with guilt so the easiest thing to do is send the gift. If you all want to stop then have a chat about that. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteIf it was me, I would send a card this year, and see what happens. Trying to figure out what other people are thinking, or why they did or didn't do something, is a trap I fall in all too often, and you can't control what other people do, or think, or how they react to what you do.
ReplyDeleteThen if she didn't respond in any sort of acknowledging-her-oversight way, I would probably just send cards in future years.
Of course, I believe that you should do whatever you want. Imagine that you have sent a present, or sent a card, and see how you feel about it--not how you think she will feel, but how YOU feel. Go with your gut.
That is pretty sweet you all exchange presents! I would send a gift since you've remembered. If she mentions anything about forgetting, tell her no worries! If she doesn't send one again, it may be that the tradition is dying out.
ReplyDeleteI would send the gift. I would also have a moment of, "I'm so above this tit for tat, and look at me STILL sending a gift even though I didn't get one." Then, I would look forward to the horrified thank you phone call when she realizes that I am clearly the superior friend.
ReplyDeleteI agree with sending the gift. It's what you'd normally do, and it makes clear that you're not reacting to any oversight on her part. If you didn't normally send a gift, and then this year you sent her the Hope Diamond, then maybe that could be construed as a hint or a comment on her, but otherwise, just do what you want to do. One of my favorite things about my friends is that sometimes we forget each other's birthdays or special events, but we never ever keep score.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you guys are all lucky to have each other.
Am I too late to weigh in? I would also say send a gift!
ReplyDelete