I am struggling recently with situations where someone I love very much has views that are repellent to me. My mom, of course, is an excellent example, with her ideas that homosexuality is (1) the mother's fault and (2) in the same league as wanting to marry farm animals or doorknobs. How am I supposed to continue a relationship with someone who could think such awful things? And yet the relationship continues, and happily too.
The recent situation is my Aunt Kathy. OH I love Aunt Kathy! I love her SO MUCH! She comes to visit my mom once or twice a year, and I go over every evening she's there. She's so fun. When she leaves, it's a post-Christmas-letdown feeling.
But my Aunt Kathy thinks President Obama is "in league with the Muslims" (our own country's religion is benevolent and moral, but another country's religion is crazy and scary), and she remarks in an arch tone that the gay best friend is always portrayed in such a positive light in movies (yes, normally the role of best friend is played as EVIL when it's a straight person, so it's weird that the gay best friend would be played as such a positive person!---oh wait), and when she mentions homosexuality it's in the context of the male principal who molested elementary school boys (that's PEDOPHILIA, just as it's pedophilia and not heterosexuality when a male principal molests elementary school girls).
My mom (who doesn't like Obama either, but she is at least able to act as if it's not because he's black and his name is OMINOUSLY UNFAMILIAR) said tentatively, "Well, but it IS good that our country is able to elect a black president," and my Aunt Kathy said, "WHY???? Why would it be???" Well, and if she doesn't know that it's because it means that our country is quite a bit less sickeningly racist as it was a mere 60 years ago, then I don't know who's going to explain it to her.
I don't know how to process these things. It's one thing when someone I know and love doesn't like scented laundry detergent (I love it), or doesn't drink coffee (I do), or doesn't drink alcohol (I do), or doesn't like cats (I do). It's another thing when someone I know and love is racist, or bigoted, or sexist, or religious, or thinks fatness is disgusting and deliberate, or thinks one group of people should be considered lesser than their own group of people, or is HORRIBLY HORRIBLY wrong about something VERY IMPORTANT. It's easy to unsubscribe from a hate-focused blog, or drop an acquaintance who holds an intolerable opinion. It's hard when it's someone I love and am not willing to drop. I don't know how to reconcile it.
I have this same issue with some of my in-laws. They're all like 10th generation Texans and you know how the south loves racists! On the whole, I really like my in-laws so it's really hard when one of them shows their racist side.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have very differing opinions on politics so we've agreed to simply not discuss it. It leads to fights and hurt feelings and no good ever comes of it. It's not like one of us is going to change the other's mind, right? Do you think a similar agreement might work with your mom and aunt?
I think that there has to be love and acceptance of people with differing ideas. And they're WRONG (in my opinion and possibly also reality) but entitled to them. And while you completely disagree with their philosophy about so many things, you can still love the person. Because a person is not solely made up of their political/moral/whatever opinions. I kind of relate it to someone who abuses drugs. I HATE their ISSUE but I LOVE the person.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard, though, to know when to say what.
My favorite person on the planet is arguably my grandma. And yet. She can be racist too. Since she's lived in South Dakota for her ENTIRE LIFE (minus a few years when she lived in MN), I figure much of her racism is based in ignorance. Quite simply, she hasn't been exposed to much (any?) diversity. HOWEVER, that line of reasoning only goes so far, ya know?
ReplyDeleteI think I've decided to love all the things I love about her and just forget the rest.
I had this issue with my dad a few weeks ago and basically had to end the conversation by saying, "I really don't think you want to talk about this with me." Subject: homosexuality. OF COURSE. I just know that he is beyond having his mind even slightly opened or swayed, and I know that I am beyond having mine CLOSED, and so for the sake of our relationship (and the rest of the family not having to listen to us gradually go from a discussion to a screaming match) I have elected to make this an off-limits subject. Other people who WANT to debate or discuss I am happy to engage. He doesn't want to, and feels attacked and angry when anyone even voices a differing opinion than the King James Bible, amen. This is certainly HIS issue and not mine, but I've had to realize it's just one of those things that will take an act of God (hah!) to change. My lectures will not.
ReplyDeleteI have family members who are very vocal with viewpoints that differ from mine. It annoys me/ angers me to no end when I hear them spout off on something that I think is just wrong. But, I do think family members get a different sort of a pass that other friends or aquaintances would get. Because you don't choose your family members and you have to be able to get along with them and not be feuding all the time... I find myself biting my tongue and letting a lot of stuff go. It sucks, but I also don't want to make enemies of all of my extended family.
ReplyDeleteOh, this is HARD.
ReplyDeleteI try to tell myself that I simply can't control how anyone else thinks, and hope to live an example that encourages them to open their minds a bit.
But it is hard not to feel hurt, and BETRAYED. Right?
I recently saw my favorite uncle from my childhood. He remarked on where I live (Laramie, WY) and how the only thing they do right is - oh, I can't type it. Anyway, he eluded to the Matthew Shepard murder as though it was a good thing.
I was stunned. And sick. That was a horrible, horrible moment in our town and in the country. And to top it off, I know Matthew and his family.
I still don't know what to do with all of this. I have not made an attempt to talk to this uncle since. I am so, disappointed and betrayed.
yeah, I often just don't talk of important things with those people. It might be avoidance, but I don't really want to lose a good friend, piss off my inlaws (mostly) or get a divorce. Sometimes I do get into it with my husband, but it's easier to ignore it and not talk about it. (although I try to change his mind about things often...)
ReplyDeleteI think the thing is, everyone is entitled to their opinion. I agree with you that your aunt's opinion is not one with which I agree, but it's hers and who cares, really? You love each other and you think she's really fun, why can't she think crazy thoughts about our President? I think in order to be truly tolerant and loving, you have to tolerate a lot and love a lot. It's easy to love people with whom we agree on everything.
ReplyDeleteConstance, I was going to comment anyway, but then reading through the comments, first I have to say to Artemisia - WOW. That is shocking to me, so I can only imagine how it felt to you. Maybe it's naivete but I really feel like we're moving in a direction where people would at least learn to HIDE those opinions because they are not socially acceptable. (Obviously the goal is for people to not HAVE those opinions, but change takes time and baby steps.) I cannot imagine hearing *anyone* say what he said (I feel like that is Westboro Baptist stuff, you know? Not things people casually drop into conversation.) - never mind from a favorite relative. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteConstance - I understand, and I don't know the answer. But you are not alone. The most maddening thing for me is having family members who, in their childhood, benefitted from government handouts (their parents had more children than they could afford because of their religious beliefs), who now as adults become enraged at the idea of handouts and people not being personally accountable. Of course this attitude extends to other areas, like the health insurance debate, when in fact their mother suffered long and hard for not having adequate health care.
It is particularly maddening hearing these convictions come from the same people who lament when certain others "forget where they came from".
Constance, I feel for you. That is really hard and awkward and confounding and poo. I have similar exchanges (or lack of exchanges) with certain people in my family, too.
ReplyDeleteBut for what it's worth: as a Muslim, I laughed at the "in league with the Muslims!" line. Dude - we WISH ;)
i am "lucky" in that my mom has already cut off relations with a large segment of her family due to differing belief systems. i put lucky in quotes because while cutting off family is never ideal, at least *i* don't have to make the decision to do it after having to listen to them rant about religion / the gays / whatever.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought is: You don't reconcile it. I have much of the same issues in my family, but I think the difference is that I don't actually like the folks spouting the nonsense.
ReplyDeleteBut if they didn't spout the nonsense, I would probably like them a hell of a lot more.
I always wonder if I should say something, because I have kids and I want the world to be more intelligent and tolerant for them. I think in this situation, if one is not willing to basically back off from the relationship, one has to decide to compartmentalize and accept the relative for who they are. You can love the fun parts of your aunt and frankly, just pretend the other bits don't exist. Kind of the mental equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and singing, "LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
I hear ya sister! We have racists galore, and homophobes and people who just hate people. My grandmother once complained when our order was taken by someone with an accent she couldn't understand "why do they give the important jobs to them? (hispanics)" Where were we???? TACO BELL. Yes, the important jobs. If you find a solution pass it on.
ReplyDeleteI understand your frustration. My family is the same - Obama is evil! Gays are sick and deviant and should be denied rights! It gets old very, very fast.
ReplyDeleteAnd arguing with them is like beating my head against a brick wall. I just refuse to discuss politics with them, and if it comes up I change the subject or leave.
I don't know what the answer is, either. I tend to think that beating the drum of "love the person and not their opinions" goes a long way for both you and them. I don't know what the dynamic is among these loved ones, but kindness can always be practiced. Maybe even framing it with, "It hurts my feelings to hear such negative talk and even though we disagree on this issue we can both agree to be more kind in our speech."
ReplyDeleteI don't know, it's hard. These topics are so emotionally charged already without adding family dynamics on top of them!
This is a hot button topic for me as well. It's fine if you don't like Obama (for example) but joining a Facebook page "let's see if this goat can get more friends than Obama" or some such crap - my MOM did this recently - is unacceptable to me. But at the same time there is nothing I can do about it. I have lost a lot of respect for so many people over the last couple of years and I cannot reconcile how someone who professes such strong Christian beliefs can be so hateful and racist and not see it as a contridiction. However, I can compartmentalize most of it - except when it comes to my kids. My family mostly keep their comments (hating Obama, hating gays, etc.) to themselves around me - but feel free to say things when my kids are around ("mommy, do you know what aunt so-and-so said today about obama?") - which infuriates me. I suppose I can look at it as a learning experience - we talk about the issues about why people would act that way, etc. all the same - if I could (and hopefully one day soon...) I would keep those relatives out of our daily lives - listening to and being around such narrow-mindedness is not a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI have no solutions/ideas for you - but I do know what it's like. I've unfriended lots of 'friends' on Facebook - I figure no point in keeping someone there who pisses me off every time they post a status update - except that I can't unfriend the family members who disappoint me the very most.