Further Thoughts on Alcohol

It took me nearly a week to talk to Mike about his drinking-related remarks. He'd emailed me those comments from work and I hadn't replied because I didn't know what to say; when he came home he was fretful about my non-reply and worried that he'd upset me, and my response was something along the lines of "DUH!"

One marriage issue we have (it can be negative or positive depending on what is going on) is that Mike is the Flare Up And Forget It type, whereas I am a Resentful Brooder. So, like, the next day he'd forgotten about the whole thing and was cheery and normal, and I was still feeling flattened. This does buy me time to think.

With a subject like alcohol, I didn't even KNOW what I thought about what he'd said. On one hand I thought he was wrong; on the other hand, isn't it CLASSIC that people with alcohol problems don't think they have a problem? I mean, that's why the first step is ADMITTING IT: because it's so standard NOT TO.

And no one in my family/friends has been a Public Alcoholic---that is, surely there were alcoholics in my family/friends just as in anyone else's, but I never saw anyone I knew was drunk, nor did I ever look back and think, "Ohhhhh, I see, she was an ALCOHOLIC!," nor did anyone I knew ever participate in an alcohol program or have a DUI or liver problems or a red nose or ANYTHING. The only drinkers in our family are more the "two whiskey sours before dinner when we have guests" type. So what do I know about what's a normal/dangerous level of alcohol? Maybe Mike was RIGHT.

So all week I kept thinking of points, and of reasons why the points might be no good.

Point: I haven't had a drink for a week. I have way more trouble giving up sweets---and in fact have probably never managed to give up sweets for a week. Surely that means I don't have a problem (except maybe with sweets).

Counterpoint: People with drinking problems are always claiming to be able to take it or leave it. And the fact that I don't like giving it up might Mean Something.


Point: Yes, I'd prefer to drink, so of course I mind giving it up. There are lots of things I'd rather not give up, but that doesn't mean I have a PROBLEM. I don't want to give up pizza, either, and if I tried to give it up I'd probably think about it every day, but that doesn't mean I should attend a Pizzaholics Anonymous meeting, it just means I like pizza and I don't want to stop eating it.

Counterpoint: Whenever anyone says they DON'T have a problem, that's usually used as evidence that they DO.


Point: I've never had a hangover.

Counterpoint: I don't know if a person has to have hangovers for it to be a problem.


Point: A commenter on the last post said she was an alcoholic from an alcoholic family and that I sounded like an alcoholic too.

Counterpoint: It's always hard to interpret things said to/from a stranger---either party could be misunderstanding/misrepresenting the situation. And my guess is that to an alcoholic, pretty much everyone sounds like an alcoholic.


Point: I seem to have a high tolerance for alcohol. I can drink four shots of vodka and feel only slightly tipsy. Me drinking "a lot" is not the same as someone with a lower tolerance drinking a lot.

Counterpoint: Maybe the high tolerance means I'm Different From Other People, and D.F.O.P. might mean Alcoholic Tendencies. Also, maybe I THINK I'm only tipsy but I'm actually drunk. There are probably people who have NO IDEA how drunk they are when they're drunk. Also: my LIVER might not have a high tolerance---so I could be doing drunk damage for only a tipsy benefit. Perhaps this means alcohol is not the right Vice Of Choice for me and I should try pot instead (KIDDING).


Point: I've never had a problem remembering what happened when I was drinking, or regretting my behavior afterward. I'm pretty sure that means I'm only tipsy.

Counterpoint: Maybe I AM having trouble remembering, but I'm not remembering it.


Point: But if I SMELL bad!

Counterpoint: We don't really know what Mike meant by that, or if maybe he's motivated by something else.


Point: If a family member confronts me about drinking, that means a problem, doesn't it?

Counterpoint: Not if that family member answered Child #1's "What does someone act like when they're 'drunk'?" by saying, "Sometimes the person is sleepy, or acts a little silly, or gets a little cranky." That's really NOT a definition of drunkenness. I would have said more like "Sometimes the person falls down, or falls asleep in the front yard, or crashes the car, or sings loudly in public, or gets in a fist-fight, or can't remember the next morning what they did."


Point: But if I don't KNOW if I have a problem or not, doesn't that mean I probably DO?

Counterpoint: Or it could mean I lack sufficient points of reference, tend to overthink things, and am confused by someone who ALSO lacks sufficient points of reference.


ANYWAY. So finally I talked with Mike about it, and it was a good talk and it went well. It sounds to me as if his main concern was worrying that I was drinking "sneakily," and he asked if I could continue drinking as before but bring my drink to where we both were instead of drinking it elsewhere. Which would be fine, except that I hate the taste of alcohol so I drink it fast: I pour a shot, mix it with juice or soda, and slug it back. So then we started joking about how I should bring that into the living room and clear my throat ostentatiously so he could watch while I slugged it back, or how we should have a PA system for announcements: "Attention spouse! I am Taking A Drink!"

Also, it turned out that he was concerned because I'd gone through more than a bottle of vodka in a week (ug, I hate the feeling of being MONITORED), but that was the week I made a quart of vanilla. Using a quart of vodka.

And he was also upset because he said it changed my sleeping habits, and I said, "You mean the way I go to sleep within 5 minutes like you do, instead of lying awake for an hour fretting?" and he was like, "..." And he said it made me "listless" in the evenings and I asked if he'd noticed I was ALWAYS listless in the evenings, and that I thought "mellow and listless" was better than "fretting and listless," and again he was like, "..."

And he said the booze smell he meant was only on my breath, not coming from my pores.

And I brought up our differing definitions of drunk, and how different people have different tolerances, and I asked if he thought I'd been ACTING drunk, and he said he guessed he didn't really know anything about it and might have been worried about nothing. He said he'd been concerned, and I said it hadn't sounded like concern, it had sounded like contempt, and he said he was sorry and had over-cheesed me. And I talked a little more about how I didn't like the way he'd brought it up OR the tone he'd used, and also how I didn't KNOW if he was right or not.

So now he's feeling bad about it and doing conciliatory things, and I'm still fretting about what if I DO have a problem. My plan is to go back to drinking when I want to, but it seems like it's not a bad thing at all to be frequently thinking about it and being aware of it.