Mike mentioned today that when I drink I smell bad. This is hurtful and useful information. I knew that lots of liquors gave the drinker bad boozy breath/pores, but I'd heard/read long ago that vodka didn't, so I stuck to vodka. I sniffed my skin and clothes to double-check but never noticed anything. So I guess I'm glad to know from someone who HAS noticed, because certainly I noticed the aroma of that drunk guy on the plane---though I thought a big part of that was related to apparent unbathedness and not just the beer he was drinking---and certainly I would not want to smell the same way.
Mike in fact brought up my drinking in general, and I'm not sure how to take it. On one hand, I think that if a spouse or family member brings up drinking it's a HUGE warning sign and best to take it very seriously. On the other hand, Mike doesn't drink and he disapproves of it and looks down on it even more than he looks down on coffee drinkers (he gets this from his mom, I think: she was SO PROUD of how she didn't "use" caffeine or alcohol), so it's hard to know how seriously to take him. Plus, I'm mad at him for the way he brought it up, which was to passive-aggressively trick me into asking.
For now, since there's no real reason NOT to stop drinking other than annoyance at being lectured and also the loss of something I was finding very useful to help me switch gears from Mothah to Lovah, I guess I'll stop or at least cut wayyyyy back. I really DON'T want to smell bad.
I wonder if it's possible to assess the situation the way dieters assess eating habits--by keeping a drinking journal. Every time you have a drink (or, since you're stopping/cutting back, every time you WOULD have had a drink), make a note of it. What you are/would drink, how much, in what situation, for what reason. Then go back and look at the empirical data. I think that could tell you whether your drinking is an issue or whether Mike is blowing it out of proportion. As a blog reader, it is impossible to know.
ReplyDeletePerhaps hide your vodka in your coffee from now on. Either one stench will hide the other, or Mike will effortlessly be able to combine his unnecessary comments about others' drinking habits into one condescending tirade.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you think would happen if you told him the reason for the drinking was for the Mothah to Lovah transition? Perhaps he'd shut up about it and wouldn't think you smelled bad at all..
ReplyDeleteOr, maybe the whole point is that he wants you to want IT without needing a drink. And, maybe you should drink exactly as much as you want, and then brush your teeth.
ReplyDeleteOh man. This is tough, because it is so easy for one person to judge another's coping mechanisms. I mean, we ALL have coping mechanisms, and I know I hate when someone makes me feel that mine are more shameful than theirs for whatever reason. If I ate a pint of ice cream every evening (as my ex used to do), THAT would be okay, but 2 drinks was not, only because that wasn't what HE did. Well. Anyway. PROJECTION.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if Mike realizes the positive effect alcohol has on your sex life/level of affection? That seems to be something that's important to him.
I guess I'm trying not to be defensive on your behalf. If drinking is a turnoff for him, than that is a valid concern. But if NOT drinking is a turnoff for YOU, than that is a valid concern ALSO.
Sorry, but I really doubt that you actually smell bad after drinking some vodka. First of all, as you've said on here many times, you're not even getting drunk. You really have to be DRUNK in order for alcohol to seep out of your pores in a smelly way. I wonder if Mike knows you use it to switch gears and perhaps he is feeling off-put by it (as in "she's not attracted to me unless...") and that is why he's being insulting - because he doesn't know how to approach how he really feels...speculation on my part, I know but...I'm kinda' pissed FOR you.
ReplyDeleteFollow your conscience Constance. You seem to have a pretty clear idea of how to manage life. If you feel secretly and deep down that you are drinking too much, you probably are. If you feel light and clear about it, it's probably okay.
ReplyDeleteFor the smell part, I might suggest more water because you may be getting dehydrated from drinking too much coffee/alcohol. Another good product is Thera-Breath. Available in an odd green bottle at T*RGET.
OOoh, these are interesting marital lines, here aren't they? How much SHOULD a partner say and how much should the other partner be obligated to LISTEN to what is being said...?
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking that saying that it makes you smell bad is just a little passive-aggressive way of trying to get you to stop drinking so he doesn't have to discuss with you his discomfort with the alcohol-lovah connection--or probably the issue underneath--sex drive incompatibility. I'm sure it makes him feel bad that (in his mind) you can't stand having sex with him unless you've had some drinky. Although OBVIOUSLY this is not the case and something that you have discussed--that you find it's a transition-easer and a way for you to relax and put you in the mood to more often match his sex drive. It has been my experience that men often throw different yet somehow (in their brains) related issues at an argument or disagreement or toward an uncomfortableness so as to not have to actually deal with the underlying issue or as a way to steer you with their logic toward the outcome they desire.
So to summarize: It's not the smell OR the alcohol. It's the incompatible sex drives.
So that's my arm chair psychology.
I don't know exactly how to deal with this situation because alcoholism is a very serious matter for me. Both of my parents are recovering alcoholics. From what I have read, there is no way you have a drinking problem. I have wanted to speak up and tell you that Vodka isn't scentless though. There is no such thing as an alcohol that doesn't smell. You could brush your teeth or rinse your mouth with mouth wash. You really aren't drinking enough that it would be coming out of your pores. You would have a hang over for sure if you were drinking that much. I agree with g~ that it has to be an underlying issue and he's using the smell as an excuse.
ReplyDeleteI often wonder how seriously to take people's drinking comments, too- when not pregnant or nursing, I have at least one glass of wine a couple of evenings a week, once the kids are in bed. I also drink at dinners out and at weddings and parties and stuff. I have never drunk enough to throw up or pass out or anything like that. The most that happens is I get a little wobbly and then decide that hitting the dance floor sounds like a great idea. I think I've had a hangover once or twice in my life. I'm certainly not drinking with the kids or drinking to forget my life or hiding alcohol bottles or anything. But people have occasionally commented on how often I seem to drink, and on the one hand I immediately think, "Ack! I must be an alcoholic!" And then on the other hand I think, "Well, this is coming from either people who NEVER drink or people who don't drink unless they're planning on getting WASTED, so maybe they're not accurate judges?"
ReplyDeleteOy. Oy.
ReplyDeleteMy thought is that you have already had thoughts of your own if you are drinking too much. which, from the bit you write, seems pretty damn unlikely.
I think (unconsciously?) he is using this as a way to open up other communication.
Oy.
I'm not much of a drinker. I have a few wine coolers per YEAR, and that's about it. (Although, I have been craving a margarita this week...it's been a tough week already.) Anyway, my husband likes beer. He's never been drunk, but he will have one beer in an evening a few times a week at most.
ReplyDeleteI can't stand beer. Partially because I have bad memories of seeing and being around my grandfather (who is an alcoholic) when he was drunk.
So, when my husband's breath smells like beer and he's kissing me, I don't really like it. It doesn't repulse me or anything, I just don't want to smell it.
All that just to say maybe that's all that it is for Mike. Something he doesn't care for but can still deal with it.
Ooh, such a charged issue! I think the other commenters have made some really great points and I would only add that in my opinion, you don't seem to have a drinking problem. But, all of us are only going on what you've told us here. I would say a serious conversation with Mike is in order.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to be that that information would only be helpful if it were true, otherwise it's just hurtful. I have never known anyone to have alcohol coming from their pores unless it was the next day and they had consumed a *lot* of alcohol.
ReplyDeleteThis is hard. First, I highly doubt alcohol is seeping out of your pores unless you are drinking a LOT. Could it linger on your breath? Sure, but a tooth brush would take care of that so I don't think that's really a problem.
ReplyDeleteMy husband does the same thing with coffee and it is so damn irritating. SO.
Every time I see a study that cites the benefits of coffee I read it to him. hee
I must admit, vodka is my liquor of choice. Even if I only have a couple of drinks it does seem to seep out of more pores. That being said, I think that how much you drink is really your business unless it's affecting your ability to parent, work, etc.
ReplyDelete"What do you think would happen if you told him the reason for the drinking was for the Mothah to Lovah transition? Perhaps he'd shut up about it and wouldn't think you smelled bad at all.."
ReplyDeleteThis.
My Husband told me this once, about my drinking wine at Book Club. I was like, Seriously?? 2 glasses of wine and you can smell it? He used the phrase about the pores. Really blew my mind, I had no idea. And also made me feel bad about doing it, which is CRAP. A girl can drink a glass of wine, dammit. Or a couple of shots of vodka. I didn't stop drinking wine at Book Club, if that helps you make a decision. ;)
ReplyDeleteI don't know your husband (obv) but I'm wondering if it's possible that BECAUSE he so hates alcohol he simply pushed a button of yours, something he knew was a sensitive topic? To try and get you to quit?
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, a couple of drinks do not make anyone smell bad, no matter the drink. Excessive drinking makes your breath and pores stink, and by excessive I'm talking four, five or better. (College was too much fun for me).
Unless you're getting wasted regularly, I sincerely doubt you smell.
My name is Kimberly. I am an alcoholic. I am the child of an alcoholic. Alcohol is a drug and it reacts (usually badly) with other drugs. I have been reading your posts for a while. You sound a lot like the court ordered attendees at an AA meeting.
ReplyDeleteMy question is can you stop drinking?
Alcohol is not a coping method if you can't stop.
Who/what is the personal troll? What is that even supposed to mean? Okay, freaky.
ReplyDeleteConstance, please have no fears, I see nothing wrong with what you are doing. In my mind, you questioning what you are doing says to me that you are in control of the situation. Also, the mothah to lovah thing is SO TRUE. I see no problem with a little help in switching gears.
Just my two cents.
:) ~Jenny in MD
I am looking at that comment, and it comes up as Your personal troll said... just like mine says Anonymous said...
ReplyDeleteWhat does that mean? For some reason I find that creepy.
INFINITELY MORE creepy than some vodka for the mothah-to-lovah switch.
Kimberly, what specifically sounds like people at an AA meeting? I've never been to one (or known someone who attends them) so I don't know what typical Alcoholic Talk is.
ReplyDeleteJenny in MD- That's my troll, apparently. I'll have Paul confirm the IP address later to be sure, but "the mean commenter who comments as if she's four different people" often uses that as her commenting name.
ReplyDeleteOkay! Thank you for clarifying that, and I am COMPLETELY skeezed out by that information. I mean - personal troll, you are completely bizarre for doing such things! And mad propz to the awesome husband who can figure that stuff out! I don't have a Google acct., so could P. make me a cool "~Jenny in MD" thing to pop up when I comment :)? For real, though, is that his own "concoction" - because if so, you guys should totally sell that technology, much like people buy blog headers and such. Okay, enough work time has been used for my blathering, but I want you to know that is PLAIN WEIRD. Good gravy, who would have thunk it. Have a great weekend!
ReplyDelete~Jenny in MD
P.S. Sorry for steering away from the vodka topic. AND I still love the "MOTHA TO LOVAH" saying - perhaps a subheading to this anon. blog in some way?
Jenny in MD-- Yoops, I used his other-blog name! Oh well.
ReplyDeleteYes, he made the program! I was despairing at how unfair it was that people could sling dirt anonymously, but I STILL didn't want to turn off anonymous commenting (because so many people comment normally using anonymous commenting), so he spent an evening or two writing me a program. It's awkward to use (the IPs don't just show up, we have to research each one), but has really come in handy.
I can fix your "Jenny in MD" thing, I think: if you choose "Name/URL" under "Comment as", you can fill in "Jenny in MD" for the name and leave the URL blank.
Okay, I am going to try what you said. And try to sell his technology and get rich. Target and brownies all day - and you can have a big tent party for all of us non-troll blog friends!
ReplyDeleteIt worked (it looks like????). SO FUN!
ReplyDelete