Saturday, September 26, 2009
Just Cultural Information
It drives me a little crazy that my mom thinks there's no problem with reading Bible stories to my kids---though fortunately she goes along with my Crazy Wish that she shouldn't. She says it's "just cultural information---anyone would need to know these stories!" But she wouldn't feel the same way toward a children's book of astrology, or a children's book about the teachings of Buddha.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Spelling it Out for the Few
You know what is pissing me off? That because sex is one of the issues Mike and I struggle with, there are people who assume this means I'm frigid and we never have sex and I deprive poor Mike of a normal sexual relationship. And they assume it AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN, no matter how clearly I state the situation.
That is SO STUPID. No, really, I said it and I meant it: STUPID.
Most of you totally get this, and so you'll be like the kids in the classroom who long since understood and yet get stuck in their seats while the things have to be made very clear to the slow ones. Sorry, but a few people need this spelled out verrrrrry carefully so they have some hope of eventually understanding. The rest of you can read quietly at your desks.
"Wanting sex less than someone else" does not mean "never wanting sex." Nor does it mean "doesn't like sex." Nor does it mean "wanting sex less than normal."
Let this sink in for a minute, slow children. Let's say Mike was a SEXUAL MANIAC who wanted sex TEN TIMES A DAY. Let's say I wanted it less than he did---only FOUR times a day. Would I be described as frigid, or as someone who never wanted sex, or as someone who didn't like sex, or as someone who wanted sex less than normal? No. Could I still complain about and be upset about the difference in our sexual appetites and want to work to try to resolve it? Yes.
But oh! It's a woman complaining her husband wants sex more than she does! She must be a COLD WITHHOLDING BITCH WHO HATES SEX AND NEVER GIVES HIM ANY! And when she does submit to it, she lies there like a stone, rolling her eyes because she has no sex drive at all! Idiots.
Need another example? Let's say we had another Stereotype Issue: the wife who wants to spend MORE money, and the husband who wants to spend LESS. Does this mean the husband never wants to spend money at all, not even on groceries or utilities? Does this mean the husband never wants to spend any money on non-essentials either, not even on Christmas presents or home decor or treats? NO. It means he wants to spend LESS THAN WHAT HIS WIFE WANTS TO SPEND. He might want to spend a GENEROUS AMOUNT, it's just that she wants to spend MORE THAN THAT.
Seriously, it makes me dislike mankind that I have to explain this to ANYONE, let alone MANY anyones.
That is SO STUPID. No, really, I said it and I meant it: STUPID.
Most of you totally get this, and so you'll be like the kids in the classroom who long since understood and yet get stuck in their seats while the things have to be made very clear to the slow ones. Sorry, but a few people need this spelled out verrrrrry carefully so they have some hope of eventually understanding. The rest of you can read quietly at your desks.
"Wanting sex less than someone else" does not mean "never wanting sex." Nor does it mean "doesn't like sex." Nor does it mean "wanting sex less than normal."
Let this sink in for a minute, slow children. Let's say Mike was a SEXUAL MANIAC who wanted sex TEN TIMES A DAY. Let's say I wanted it less than he did---only FOUR times a day. Would I be described as frigid, or as someone who never wanted sex, or as someone who didn't like sex, or as someone who wanted sex less than normal? No. Could I still complain about and be upset about the difference in our sexual appetites and want to work to try to resolve it? Yes.
But oh! It's a woman complaining her husband wants sex more than she does! She must be a COLD WITHHOLDING BITCH WHO HATES SEX AND NEVER GIVES HIM ANY! And when she does submit to it, she lies there like a stone, rolling her eyes because she has no sex drive at all! Idiots.
Need another example? Let's say we had another Stereotype Issue: the wife who wants to spend MORE money, and the husband who wants to spend LESS. Does this mean the husband never wants to spend money at all, not even on groceries or utilities? Does this mean the husband never wants to spend any money on non-essentials either, not even on Christmas presents or home decor or treats? NO. It means he wants to spend LESS THAN WHAT HIS WIFE WANTS TO SPEND. He might want to spend a GENEROUS AMOUNT, it's just that she wants to spend MORE THAN THAT.
Seriously, it makes me dislike mankind that I have to explain this to ANYONE, let alone MANY anyones.
Friday, September 18, 2009
On the Nature of Venting
Okay, okay. I've had some time to settle down, and I feel better about things now. Partly it's because my dad fixed the lamp: Mike had cut the chain off right at the root so I couldn't use one of those thingies that attaches two parts of a chain, but my dad knows how to, like, BUILD lamps, so it was no big deal for him to replace the entire chain. It took him, like, ten minutes, and now the bird is back in its rightful place.
And partly it's because Mike was so sheepish about it. When he was explaining to me what had happened, my mouth just dropped open like "You did WHAT???" and he was looking more and more uncertain---like he'd seriously thought that was a good solution to a tricky problem, but now that he was looking at my back teeth he was less certain. And then the next day he was saying nervously, "Can we buy a replacement lamp?"
And partly it's because a lot of my anger at him is because I think to myself, "If I'D done such a thing, what would that have meant for ME?" So, for example, the only way I'd have cut that bird thing off the lamp would be if I'd been WILD WITH IRRATIONAL RAGE, so then I assume HE must have been wild with irrational rage, so then I'm mad at him for (1) being so angry (2) around the kids (3) and because of the kids (4) and ruining something of mine in anger. Four assumptions, all based on ME.
But, um. We do happen to be different people. And so although _I_ would have had to be furious to clip the birdy, he has absolutely no emotional attachment to the birdy, nor did he know _I_ did, nor does he think of A Lamp as being intricately woven with His Wife's Feelings, and he's also not so good with the Thinking Things Through. So for him, it was more like, "Pfff, this pull-cord is causing problems. We always have this lamp on a switch anyway, and we NEVER use the pull-cord [ <--true ], so let's just remove the pull-cord. *calm snipping, making sure to get all the way to the end so it looks tidy*"
And meanwhile I'm assuming he's the jackassiest jackass to ever jackass--speaking of what rots marriages. But it's so hard not to assume he's The Same As Me, even after nearly fifteen years together! I know from experience his faults are more along the lines of being too laid-back, not too emotional---and yet I still manage to assume that his failings are Attacks On Me.
And then, of course, there's The Telling of the Story, and how it's possible to leave out Certain Elements. Like, I didn't mention how first thing in the morning after my flight came in late at night, he was leaving on his first ever business trip, which he was very, very nervous about and didn't want to do but got pressured into doing in a very unpleasant way (a "well, I guess if you don't want a future with this company..." kind of way), and he'd been nervous and upset ever since he found out about it a few days before I left on my trip. I guess that DOES kind of, um, put a different spin on someone who is lying in bed late at night acting miserable and distracted rather than leaping out of bed enthusiastically and telling me how badly he's missed me. Ahem.
I'm still kind of crabby about the wanting-sex thing, but he ALWAYS wants sex. ALWAYS. And there was a wifey in bed with him after four nights with no wifey.
Well. It's the trouble with any kind of venting. Which is why it's nice to have a place to tell it where people know how venting is.
And partly it's because Mike was so sheepish about it. When he was explaining to me what had happened, my mouth just dropped open like "You did WHAT???" and he was looking more and more uncertain---like he'd seriously thought that was a good solution to a tricky problem, but now that he was looking at my back teeth he was less certain. And then the next day he was saying nervously, "Can we buy a replacement lamp?"
And partly it's because a lot of my anger at him is because I think to myself, "If I'D done such a thing, what would that have meant for ME?" So, for example, the only way I'd have cut that bird thing off the lamp would be if I'd been WILD WITH IRRATIONAL RAGE, so then I assume HE must have been wild with irrational rage, so then I'm mad at him for (1) being so angry (2) around the kids (3) and because of the kids (4) and ruining something of mine in anger. Four assumptions, all based on ME.
But, um. We do happen to be different people. And so although _I_ would have had to be furious to clip the birdy, he has absolutely no emotional attachment to the birdy, nor did he know _I_ did, nor does he think of A Lamp as being intricately woven with His Wife's Feelings, and he's also not so good with the Thinking Things Through. So for him, it was more like, "Pfff, this pull-cord is causing problems. We always have this lamp on a switch anyway, and we NEVER use the pull-cord [ <--true ], so let's just remove the pull-cord. *calm snipping, making sure to get all the way to the end so it looks tidy*"
And meanwhile I'm assuming he's the jackassiest jackass to ever jackass--speaking of what rots marriages. But it's so hard not to assume he's The Same As Me, even after nearly fifteen years together! I know from experience his faults are more along the lines of being too laid-back, not too emotional---and yet I still manage to assume that his failings are Attacks On Me.
And then, of course, there's The Telling of the Story, and how it's possible to leave out Certain Elements. Like, I didn't mention how first thing in the morning after my flight came in late at night, he was leaving on his first ever business trip, which he was very, very nervous about and didn't want to do but got pressured into doing in a very unpleasant way (a "well, I guess if you don't want a future with this company..." kind of way), and he'd been nervous and upset ever since he found out about it a few days before I left on my trip. I guess that DOES kind of, um, put a different spin on someone who is lying in bed late at night acting miserable and distracted rather than leaping out of bed enthusiastically and telling me how badly he's missed me. Ahem.
I'm still kind of crabby about the wanting-sex thing, but he ALWAYS wants sex. ALWAYS. And there was a wifey in bed with him after four nights with no wifey.
Well. It's the trouble with any kind of venting. Which is why it's nice to have a place to tell it where people know how venting is.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Welcome Home, Constance!
Some post-vacation venting that I didn't want to include on the blog my family reads:
I got home from the airport at 10:30 at night, right on schedule. Mike was already in bed, and didn't get up to, like, hug me or anything. He acted a combination of "I was sleeping" (10:30 is when we usually head for bed, so I think he could probably stay up an extra 5 minutes without difficulty), and like I had only been gone a few hours rather than five days, and like I was kind of annoying him by taking 5 minutes to unpack my toothbrush (after traveling for twelve hours), I guess instead of getting into bed fully-clothed and turning off the light. THEN HE WANTED SEX. What. an. ass.
Also, I'm so angry with him for clipping the bird pull on the lamp, I can't even tell you. I realize it is a VERY SMALL THING in The Universal Scheme of Things, but it's upsetting to me, and also tells me that he couldn't cope with the kids and probably did it in a tantrum, because the rational thing to do would have been to either tie the pull up (the lamp is on a switch, so it would be okay to disable the pull for even a long time), or if the situation were TRULY UNBEARABLE, then perhaps MOVE THE LAMP TO ANOTHER ROOM. But snipping the pull off with scissors so it FOREVER AND FOREVER has to be plugged into a switch outlet, and we can ONLY turn it on/off using the switch? And the bird pull is what made me want to buy the lamp, and I'd SAID SO when I brought the lamp home.
So whether he meant it like this or not, it made me feel like he was punishing me for leaving. "See what happens when you're gone?" combined with "I'm sulking and not acting happy that you're home" makes me feel like DOING SOME BODILY HARM. Seriously, this is the kind of crap that rots marriages. It also undoes a lot of the positive effects of a vacation.
I got home from the airport at 10:30 at night, right on schedule. Mike was already in bed, and didn't get up to, like, hug me or anything. He acted a combination of "I was sleeping" (10:30 is when we usually head for bed, so I think he could probably stay up an extra 5 minutes without difficulty), and like I had only been gone a few hours rather than five days, and like I was kind of annoying him by taking 5 minutes to unpack my toothbrush (after traveling for twelve hours), I guess instead of getting into bed fully-clothed and turning off the light. THEN HE WANTED SEX. What. an. ass.
Also, I'm so angry with him for clipping the bird pull on the lamp, I can't even tell you. I realize it is a VERY SMALL THING in The Universal Scheme of Things, but it's upsetting to me, and also tells me that he couldn't cope with the kids and probably did it in a tantrum, because the rational thing to do would have been to either tie the pull up (the lamp is on a switch, so it would be okay to disable the pull for even a long time), or if the situation were TRULY UNBEARABLE, then perhaps MOVE THE LAMP TO ANOTHER ROOM. But snipping the pull off with scissors so it FOREVER AND FOREVER has to be plugged into a switch outlet, and we can ONLY turn it on/off using the switch? And the bird pull is what made me want to buy the lamp, and I'd SAID SO when I brought the lamp home.
So whether he meant it like this or not, it made me feel like he was punishing me for leaving. "See what happens when you're gone?" combined with "I'm sulking and not acting happy that you're home" makes me feel like DOING SOME BODILY HARM. Seriously, this is the kind of crap that rots marriages. It also undoes a lot of the positive effects of a vacation.
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