My Moss

Today is the kind of day I spend hating whoever came up with that concept students liked to toss around as Super Deep when I was in school: the concept of "In the end, people do what they want." Either that's pure wrong, or more likely it's one of those self-proving circular things ("If they did it, that's what they wanted to do; if they thought they were doing something they didn't want to do, it's because they WANTED to do something they didn't want to do; if they didn't do something they wanted to do, it's because they WANTED to be the kind of person who wouldn't do it" etc.).

Because today, if I were to do what I really wanted, I would hit at least two of my children, I would say some really horrible things, I would break a bunch of stuff, and then I would go running out to the car and drive completely out of this whole life, complete with a house that will never be less messy, a laundry pile that will never be smaller, children who will never get less fighty and giddy, jeans that will never get smaller, a husband who is never going to stop pushing for more sex, a lawn that will never be less weedy, drivers who nearly cause an accident and then give ME the finger, etc.

No doubt I would go on to form the exact same life elsewhere. This is the moss I naturally gather.

Which One is the God of Parental Irritations?

Time for the latest Mom/Religion Vent.

My cat died recently. I was saying to my mom that it had been difficult talking to the kids about it---not so much the older two, but the 4-year-olds. They don't know what death is, and there is the danger that the conversation will veer quickly to whether or not THEY or WE will die, and I'd just RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT NOW KTHANX.

So anyway, I was telling my mom. And she said, "This would be a whole lot easier if you were a Christian!" She said it lightly, with no Bad Tone---I want to make sure I make that clear. I have to keep reminding myself that as a lifelong Christian, she doesn't HEAR it the way I hear it. If I had to guess, I'd say that she means it as an accepting/bonding thing, like she's showing how cool she is with me not being a Christian: see, she can mention it casually like it's no big thing! I think she thinks of it as gentle, affectionate teasing.

But it LIGHTS me. I think it's the message it sends, which I want to say again is a message I believe is COMPLETELY UNINTENDED. The message is, "Aren't you sorry NOW you ditched us! You thought you were SO SMART giving up The True Way, but now you see how difficult The False Path is!" I could have been explaining things to my children with the easy stories I'd been carefully taught, but NO.

The part of the message I KNOW is unintentional is this part: the idea that Christianity is a story we're supposed to believe not because it's true but because it gives us an easier way to handle tough situations. Since I believe this IS IN FACT WHY religions started, this goes right ahead and pushes my button. I feel like saying back, "Yes, and it would also be a WHOLE LOT EASIER if I told them the kitty is NOT dead but just visiting his family on a farm, but that doesn't mean I DO tell those lies."

She would be appalled if someone said to her that it would be so much easier to explain things to her students if she just told them the truth about Neptune controlling the ocean and Thor controlling thunderstorms and Cupid causing people to fall in love and so forth. The assumptions present in that kind of statement are AWFUL, she'd say. When SHE says such things, it's different because SHE is talking about things that are TRUE.

Corinne

I really do feel silly venting about my mom so much, but she and I are good friends and spend a lot of time together and yet we have HUGE DIFFERENCES, so I think about it a lot and this is a good place to work things out. I won't have hurt feelings if you tune out.

A couple of months ago she and I were talking about baby names, as we often do because it is one of our many shared-interest areas, and we were talking about the name Corinne, which I like very much. She kept talking about how there was just something about it she really didn't like, she didn't know what it was, she just had VERY UNPLEASANT associations with it. And after awhile I had come up with what I thought was a likely theory, and I said, "It's because it reminds you of the word 'Koran'." (She has a Big Problem with other religions---even different denominations of her own religion.) And she paused, and she said, "...You're right. Yes, that's EXACTLY it." And she seemed kind of stunned by this, and also kind of pleased because she likes it when she feels like I Know Her.

We talked about it for a little while longer, and as with the time when she said she had too much invested in Christianity to give it up even if she found evidence against it, I ended up feeling gentler and more understanding toward her, where before I'd been irritated. I have a soft spot for people who can say, "Yes, I see I'm a little crazy about this, but that's how it is. *shrug*" It always makes me think, "That's true of all of us."

So that was a few months ago. Then, a few days ago, we were out having lunch and she mentioned the name Corinne again, saying that she just didn't like it for some reason, she couldn't figure out why. And I said, "Oh, yeah, we talked about this, remember? It's because of the Koran?" and she was TOTALLY BLANK. She said no, that couldn't have been it, that she would never feel that way about it, that she knew FOR SURE that she wouldn't have said it because she absolutely did not feel that way. I said no, she definitely had. She said that if she DID say it, which she couldn't imagine she had, that she now took it back because it was clearly not true.

I don't know what to think in these situations. Generally I think, "She's getting senile." It might not be true, but it's more comforting than the alternatives---one of which is that I'M getting senile.

Yoo Hoo!

I have my Constance account emails forwarded to me at another email address. I changed that address and forgot to change the forwarding address on the Constance account, so for two months I wasn't getting Constance emails and I was all, "Huh, wonder why I'm not getting any Constance emails?" until someone emailed me at my other blog's account and asked why I didn't love them anymore, and I realized what was happening.

There were three new Constance blogs started during that time when I wasn't getting my emails, so I emailed them all and told them what happened and added them to the building and so forth. BUT! One of the Constances, Constance the Perfectionist, the link she gave me to her blog doesn't work, and it says it's because the blog has been deleted, and she's not answering my emails, so here is my Fretful Fantasy about what happened:

1. Constance the Perfectionist starts a blog, and emails Constance the First to notify her.

2. Days go by, then weeks, then more than a month. No response from Constance the First. Blog not added to the list of Constance Blogs.

3. Constance the Perfectionist thinks Constance the First doesn't like her, has NEVER liked her, doesn't want her in the building.

4. Constance the Perfectionist deletes her blog, feeling upset.

5. Constance the Dim the First figures out about the email forwarding. But it is too late.


Constance the Perfectionist, if you're out there, come back, come back! It was all a big silly mix-up!

Well, unless it was the less-fretful, more likely scenario:

1. Constance the Perfectionist starts a blog.

2. Constance the Perfectionist changes her mind.

3. Constance the Perfectionist deletes her blog.


And in a general note: I've never rejected a Constance blog, and I don't plan to (well, I guess I would if it were just a big male-enhancement spam or something), so if you email me and I don't post your blog, there is a problem and it isn't you or your blog, it's probably ME again. Try me again, or try me at my other blog's email address. Or, you know, find a different topic than MALE-ENHANCEMENT DRUGS CHEAP AND LEGAL MAKE HER SCREAM.

4. Go Back in Time

Here is a hypothetical situation for your consideration.

Let's say there is a married couple. Pretty much every couple has at least one topic they consistently struggle with (money, housework, in-laws, free time, jealousy, parenting, sex), and let's say this couple's issue is the sex one: he wants it more than she does, and she thinks he's been too influenced by teenaged (or possibly current) porn use, and both of them are always misunderstanding each other even when they try to talk frankly about it, which is difficult for them to do because this is Their Difficult Area.

Let's say that one of their issues is that the guy likes to TALK and likes to come up with ROLE-PLAY stuff, and the girl can't concentrate if she's straining to hear what he's saying, and also she has always hated role-playing of any kind, including when she was in Brownies and had to pretend to sell Girl Scout cookies to the leader---but she especially hates role-playing of the "Let's pretend YOU are fantasizing about something you would in fact not fantasize about but apparently _I_ would" variety.

ANYWAY. Let's say the girl has been willing over the years to try many different ideas for improving this one area of frequent struggle, and so she decides that since he frequently talks fantasy talk, he must like it, and so she will try it. So during a Sexual Encounter, when he holds down her hands hard in what seems to be a fantasy kind of way, she asks him in a sexy voice if he ever has a related fantasy. And he says yes, but then, um, almost immediately he starts, um, losing his vigor, if you see what I'm saying. And he lets go of her hands and seems to be having trouble, and then the end seems not only different than usual, but possibly...faked? For the first time ever? But it is difficult to tell for sure because of a barrier method.

So, in this hypothetical situation, what do you think she should do? Should she:

1. Ask him about it---keeping in mind that conversations on this topic almost always go poorly, and that's not likely to change even if it "should," and even if other couples find such communication clears the air and brings them closer together.

2. Retreat and regroup: say nothing, and assume that particular fantasy speculation was a Total Fail for whatever reason, and not bring it up again.

3. Some other thing.