[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]
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I have an ache in my heart and a knot in my stomach ever since he told me. He told me he was really drunk. He told me that he didn’t mean for it to happen. He told me he didn’t realize that it was happening at first. He told me he stopped her when he realized what she was doing.
I want to believe him when he says that he is sorry. I want to believe that he won’t do something so stupid again. I think I do believe him. I’m just not sure how to get over being betrayed. I’m not sure how to get this horrible visual out of my head. I’m not sure how to stop thinking about him cheating every day all day long.
I wonder if you met me would you know I feel broken. I feel like I’m going through the motions. I can’t tell anyone why I want to curl up on the couch and cry. Life doesn’t stop. I still have to try to be a good mother, daughter and wife. The wife part probably is going to get neglected for a while.
I wrote because I needed to vent. I also wrote because I want advice. If you have been through anything like this, how did you forgive and move on?
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Grope-Free Weekend
To sum up the current birth control situation: I'm still on the Pill, even though I think the hormones are messing with me, because I'm worried that if I say to Mike, "Fine, YOU'RE the one who doesn't want more children, YOU worry about birth control!," he would get The Snip, and I'm not ready for him to do that. My next annual gyn appointment is this summer, and I'm thinking of switching to a diaphragm or to the non-hormone IUD.
So anyway. I'm halfway through my pack of Pills, and I had some spotting yesterday. I know spotting on the Pill is pretty normal, but I've NEVER had it happen before, not even in the first month of going on the Pill when it's particularly common. I looked it up online, and saw one place that said that if you had spotting mid-cycle while on the Pill, you should use back-up birth control for the rest of the month. I mentioned this to Mike, and he's been my friendly platonic roommate ever since, when normally he's a routine groper. I think this confirms for me that it would not be safe to see if he'd call my bluff on the snip situation.
So anyway. I'm halfway through my pack of Pills, and I had some spotting yesterday. I know spotting on the Pill is pretty normal, but I've NEVER had it happen before, not even in the first month of going on the Pill when it's particularly common. I looked it up online, and saw one place that said that if you had spotting mid-cycle while on the Pill, you should use back-up birth control for the rest of the month. I mentioned this to Mike, and he's been my friendly platonic roommate ever since, when normally he's a routine groper. I think this confirms for me that it would not be safe to see if he'd call my bluff on the snip situation.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Good Reasons
Remember when I said I wasn't going to post vents about religion anymore? Er, yes. Well. Here is the thing: it turns out I still want to.
BUT! I wonder if this will help at all:
1. A lot of my religion issues are also FAMILY issues, and you know how those always get pretty tangled and complicated. My dad was a minister, my mom was a Christian school teacher, so....I mean, you know how there are things that if anyone else says/does them it's fine, but if your parents or in-laws do it it's So Annoying or whatevs? Religious Issues can be like that for me: all tangled up with Childhood Issues and Parent Issues. A lot of times it's not as much about religion as it seems to be.
2. So I don't MEAN to be attacking religion in a nasty, slingy way.
3. And I don't WANT to hurt you.
4. I am aware that, nevertheless, attackiness comes across from vents. I certainly don't like to read vents about things that are important to ME, and also it makes me feel like maybe the venter likes me less because it IS important to me.
5. But I adore YOU, and if YOU are religious I'm not intending to be all nose-to-nose with you, poking you in the collarbone with my forefinger in a "Whatcha gonna do about it, huh?" way.
6. It's more that I have Religious Issues. And that this is actually a pretty good place to work through them, if it's possible to work through them. And so I'm going to now and then.
7. But I'm really hoping not to hit anyone with Vent Shrapnel. And if I do, I have a tweezers and a box of bandaids ready.
Okay. On to it.
My family has belonged to a lot of denominations. All of the denominations I'm familiar with believe that we are supposed to pray to God to ask him for what we want, and that sometimes he says yes and sometimes he says no. This is pretty soft for God, isn't it? If we get what we want, he gets credit, but he never has to take blame.
Well, I do get that, though. I've had things that I wanted, and I didn't get them, and then later I was REALLY GLAD I didn't get them. Boys I wanted to date. Jobs I wanted. Classes I wanted to get into. Personality traits I wanted. All things that I would have fervently prayed for, and then had to conclude that God had answered "No," and then later would have thought, "Oh! It was for my own good!" This all makes sense to me, even though it's a little annoying when I hear my parents giving God the credit for their own hard work and and good ideas.
I've also never struggled with the common problem of "How could God let airplanes crash?" or "How could God let a mother die of cancer?" or "How could God let that tree fall on that house?" All of those things make sense to me: we live in a habitat, and sometimes our interactions with our habitat are damaging or fatal. Some of it is our fault and some of it is not, but it makes sense to me that God would not be going around putting out fires, putting cars back over the yellow line, catching falling trees, catching airplanes.
Besides, the "How could he?" category mostly falls nicely into the yes/no answers thing. Maybe God keeps airplanes from crashing A LOT, but of course we wouldn't know that he'd done so. Maybe he OFTEN cures illness, and we wouldn't know if it was God or the medical treatment. Maybe he OFTEN makes a tree fall a different direction.
And maybe when he chooses not to stop the plane from crashing or the tree from falling, he has a really good reason that is just not immediately apparent, like when I didn't get a job I really, really wanted, and then a year later the person who was hired instead of me got into enormous trouble because of systems set up by the previous employee. Whew! Lucky! Or when someone's house is destroyed by a tree while they're all at the store---maybe there was fatal mold in the house, or maybe the roof would have collapsed in the night the next day, or maybe it would have burned down the next week. So this all makes sense to me, too.
Here's the sticking point to me: that we're supposed to accept that God might say yes to getting us a date, getting us a job, keeping our plane from crashing, helping us avoid an accident, preventing us from being killed in a fire, helping us find our car keys---but that he would choose not to step in when a baby or child is being molested or abused. Or when a baby or child is kidnapped and violated and tortured and killed, and the parents never know what happened. I can't see any justification at all for saying "No" to a baby or child who is screaming or silent in terror and pain, while saying "Yes" to the lady praying that her cat will come home safely.
All the denominations I've been involved with agree that this sucks. It's not like anyone's saying this is a GOOD thing that God allows babies and children to be molested and tortured and beaten and burned. But when I was a Christian, the answer I was taught to give people who wondered this sort of thing was that it was an issue of free will (evidently God is unable to make distinctions between "utter freedom" and "freedom to do what doesn't affect others' free will"), or that it wasn't possible for us humans to understand the mind of God. That we needed to have faith that even when we didn't understand his ways, God was still right and good, and we could cling to that knowledge even in the storms of doubt.
I choose not to. Even if my faith were suddenly restored and religion made sense to me again rather than seeming exactly like believing in Santa Claus, I would CHOOSE NOT TO follow a leader who can IN ANY WAY justify that decision. Maybe I'm wrong not to trust that he has good reasons. I don't really care. I wouldn't accept Secret Reasons For Horror from anyone who was asking to direct my life and guide me down a path. I wouldn't follow or trust that kind of leader, even if he seemed good in many other ways, even if he told me I could believe him that he had good reasons for everything.
BUT! I wonder if this will help at all:
1. A lot of my religion issues are also FAMILY issues, and you know how those always get pretty tangled and complicated. My dad was a minister, my mom was a Christian school teacher, so....I mean, you know how there are things that if anyone else says/does them it's fine, but if your parents or in-laws do it it's So Annoying or whatevs? Religious Issues can be like that for me: all tangled up with Childhood Issues and Parent Issues. A lot of times it's not as much about religion as it seems to be.
2. So I don't MEAN to be attacking religion in a nasty, slingy way.
3. And I don't WANT to hurt you.
4. I am aware that, nevertheless, attackiness comes across from vents. I certainly don't like to read vents about things that are important to ME, and also it makes me feel like maybe the venter likes me less because it IS important to me.
5. But I adore YOU, and if YOU are religious I'm not intending to be all nose-to-nose with you, poking you in the collarbone with my forefinger in a "Whatcha gonna do about it, huh?" way.
6. It's more that I have Religious Issues. And that this is actually a pretty good place to work through them, if it's possible to work through them. And so I'm going to now and then.
7. But I'm really hoping not to hit anyone with Vent Shrapnel. And if I do, I have a tweezers and a box of bandaids ready.
Okay. On to it.
My family has belonged to a lot of denominations. All of the denominations I'm familiar with believe that we are supposed to pray to God to ask him for what we want, and that sometimes he says yes and sometimes he says no. This is pretty soft for God, isn't it? If we get what we want, he gets credit, but he never has to take blame.
Well, I do get that, though. I've had things that I wanted, and I didn't get them, and then later I was REALLY GLAD I didn't get them. Boys I wanted to date. Jobs I wanted. Classes I wanted to get into. Personality traits I wanted. All things that I would have fervently prayed for, and then had to conclude that God had answered "No," and then later would have thought, "Oh! It was for my own good!" This all makes sense to me, even though it's a little annoying when I hear my parents giving God the credit for their own hard work and and good ideas.
I've also never struggled with the common problem of "How could God let airplanes crash?" or "How could God let a mother die of cancer?" or "How could God let that tree fall on that house?" All of those things make sense to me: we live in a habitat, and sometimes our interactions with our habitat are damaging or fatal. Some of it is our fault and some of it is not, but it makes sense to me that God would not be going around putting out fires, putting cars back over the yellow line, catching falling trees, catching airplanes.
Besides, the "How could he?" category mostly falls nicely into the yes/no answers thing. Maybe God keeps airplanes from crashing A LOT, but of course we wouldn't know that he'd done so. Maybe he OFTEN cures illness, and we wouldn't know if it was God or the medical treatment. Maybe he OFTEN makes a tree fall a different direction.
And maybe when he chooses not to stop the plane from crashing or the tree from falling, he has a really good reason that is just not immediately apparent, like when I didn't get a job I really, really wanted, and then a year later the person who was hired instead of me got into enormous trouble because of systems set up by the previous employee. Whew! Lucky! Or when someone's house is destroyed by a tree while they're all at the store---maybe there was fatal mold in the house, or maybe the roof would have collapsed in the night the next day, or maybe it would have burned down the next week. So this all makes sense to me, too.
Here's the sticking point to me: that we're supposed to accept that God might say yes to getting us a date, getting us a job, keeping our plane from crashing, helping us avoid an accident, preventing us from being killed in a fire, helping us find our car keys---but that he would choose not to step in when a baby or child is being molested or abused. Or when a baby or child is kidnapped and violated and tortured and killed, and the parents never know what happened. I can't see any justification at all for saying "No" to a baby or child who is screaming or silent in terror and pain, while saying "Yes" to the lady praying that her cat will come home safely.
All the denominations I've been involved with agree that this sucks. It's not like anyone's saying this is a GOOD thing that God allows babies and children to be molested and tortured and beaten and burned. But when I was a Christian, the answer I was taught to give people who wondered this sort of thing was that it was an issue of free will (evidently God is unable to make distinctions between "utter freedom" and "freedom to do what doesn't affect others' free will"), or that it wasn't possible for us humans to understand the mind of God. That we needed to have faith that even when we didn't understand his ways, God was still right and good, and we could cling to that knowledge even in the storms of doubt.
I choose not to. Even if my faith were suddenly restored and religion made sense to me again rather than seeming exactly like believing in Santa Claus, I would CHOOSE NOT TO follow a leader who can IN ANY WAY justify that decision. Maybe I'm wrong not to trust that he has good reasons. I don't really care. I wouldn't accept Secret Reasons For Horror from anyone who was asking to direct my life and guide me down a path. I wouldn't follow or trust that kind of leader, even if he seemed good in many other ways, even if he told me I could believe him that he had good reasons for everything.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
More Recommendations
On my post about using alcohol to switch gears, Jess asked if there were any OTHER ideas, for people who can't have alcohol. Well...so far, alcohol is the best thing I've found. I've heard good things about certain illegal drugs, but even if I decided to try them I'd surely mess up the transaction. I can just see myself clutching my purse as I walk all darty-eyed and pink-cheeked over to The Young Man Who Always Hangs Around That One Corner and ask him all politely if he has any p0t for sale, and if so, how much does it cost, and does it ever go on CLEARANCE?
Anyway. I'll tell you the few other things that have helped.
1. Planning ahead. Like, knowing all day that you WILL have sex that evening. I find this works better if Mike DOESN'T know I'm planning it, just in case the day goes differently than expected.
2. Lubricant. It's nice to not have to worry about that aspect of things.
3. Quickies. Choosing a time when you only have a few minutes before a definite deadline (parents coming over, dinner being ready, kids finishing their dinners) not only makes you seem Hot 'n' Spontaneous, but also means that at least if you're not Into It, It won't be a long, drawn-out It. I think quickies make a great compromise between one "I don't feel like it and shouldn't be forced into it" and one "I do feel like it and you're my only source."
Any other non-alcoholic ideas? We should really pool our resources.
Anyway. I'll tell you the few other things that have helped.
1. Planning ahead. Like, knowing all day that you WILL have sex that evening. I find this works better if Mike DOESN'T know I'm planning it, just in case the day goes differently than expected.
2. Lubricant. It's nice to not have to worry about that aspect of things.
3. Quickies. Choosing a time when you only have a few minutes before a definite deadline (parents coming over, dinner being ready, kids finishing their dinners) not only makes you seem Hot 'n' Spontaneous, but also means that at least if you're not Into It, It won't be a long, drawn-out It. I think quickies make a great compromise between one "I don't feel like it and shouldn't be forced into it" and one "I do feel like it and you're my only source."
Any other non-alcoholic ideas? We should really pool our resources.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Recommendation---Now With More Stigma!
Just checking in with a Sex Update. I know many Do Not Approve of this, but I would heartily recommend liquor to those of you who WANT TO want to have sex more often but are having trouble managing it.
I know, I know, drinking before sex has a stigma on it, like Drinking Alone or like Using Crisco. I think of it as medicinal.
And definitely I'm not recommending it to you if you're not supposed to have alcohol, or if alcohol makes you hostile/sad/queasy instead of relaxed. BUT: if it's okay for you to have alcohol, and if alcohol relaxes you, and if one of the barriers between you and sex is that you can't switch gears or can't stop composing mental grocery lists, then one or two discreet ounces of vodka may help you fix that right up.
(I say vodka because I read long ago that secret drinkers like vodka because it's mostly undetectable on the breath/skin. I don't know if that's true but it stayed with me all these years. I mix it with orange juice and it's still like drinking cleaning supplies, but it's not as scorching as drinking it straight.)
And of course, adjust dosage to suit the patient. For me, two ounces makes me feel relaxed and makes me stop composing mental lists. If two ounces would send you slurring and weaving, I recommend a lower dose. The aim is not to be singing drunkenly and bopping into walls, the aim is to help you shift gears if your gearshift isn't working right.
I know, I know, drinking before sex has a stigma on it, like Drinking Alone or like Using Crisco. I think of it as medicinal.
And definitely I'm not recommending it to you if you're not supposed to have alcohol, or if alcohol makes you hostile/sad/queasy instead of relaxed. BUT: if it's okay for you to have alcohol, and if alcohol relaxes you, and if one of the barriers between you and sex is that you can't switch gears or can't stop composing mental grocery lists, then one or two discreet ounces of vodka may help you fix that right up.
(I say vodka because I read long ago that secret drinkers like vodka because it's mostly undetectable on the breath/skin. I don't know if that's true but it stayed with me all these years. I mix it with orange juice and it's still like drinking cleaning supplies, but it's not as scorching as drinking it straight.)
And of course, adjust dosage to suit the patient. For me, two ounces makes me feel relaxed and makes me stop composing mental lists. If two ounces would send you slurring and weaving, I recommend a lower dose. The aim is not to be singing drunkenly and bopping into walls, the aim is to help you shift gears if your gearshift isn't working right.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Near Miss
I'm daydreamy and slow this morning, because last night I had a great dream about John Dawson. We were in high school together, and I consider him a real Near Miss: someone I should have dated, but didn't for a variety of reasons. We had a computer class together, and we had one of those flexible teachers who didn't really care who did what, so he used to come zooming over to me (our chairs had wheels) and look over my shoulder to see what I was doing. He'd rest his chin on my shoulder. He was nice to me, and affectionate, and flirty.
And he was TOTALLY my type. My type is tall and lanky and a little punk, and the funny thing is I have NEVER dated anyone who was my type. If I could go back in time, I would make the first move with John: I think we were both just too awk to do anything decisive.
Worse: right around the time I thought things were finally going to happen, I went on a date (if you can call it that) with one of his buddies. Very, very poor judgment on my part. And John was so mad. He was acting mad at his buddy, saying that his buddy was a total jerk and always tried to "corrupt the good ones," but I think he must have also been mad at me for falling for it, and he was probably also hurt. If he'd thought, as I did, that he and I were about to start dating, and then I went out with his friend, that probably felt pretty awful.
So after that, he was still friendly but he totally backed off. And then when I asked him to sign my yearbook, he scribbled out his own face, and wrote on a LOT of pages. One of the things he wrote was "LOVE ALWAYS" in huge capitals.
Anyway, I had a good dream about him, where he was affectionate like before, but this time we were dating. Sigh.
Do you have near misses in your past? People you kind of wish you'd dated, if only so you could have ruled them out and not still be thinking about them years later?
And he was TOTALLY my type. My type is tall and lanky and a little punk, and the funny thing is I have NEVER dated anyone who was my type. If I could go back in time, I would make the first move with John: I think we were both just too awk to do anything decisive.
Worse: right around the time I thought things were finally going to happen, I went on a date (if you can call it that) with one of his buddies. Very, very poor judgment on my part. And John was so mad. He was acting mad at his buddy, saying that his buddy was a total jerk and always tried to "corrupt the good ones," but I think he must have also been mad at me for falling for it, and he was probably also hurt. If he'd thought, as I did, that he and I were about to start dating, and then I went out with his friend, that probably felt pretty awful.
So after that, he was still friendly but he totally backed off. And then when I asked him to sign my yearbook, he scribbled out his own face, and wrote on a LOT of pages. One of the things he wrote was "LOVE ALWAYS" in huge capitals.
Anyway, I had a good dream about him, where he was affectionate like before, but this time we were dating. Sigh.
Do you have near misses in your past? People you kind of wish you'd dated, if only so you could have ruled them out and not still be thinking about them years later?
Friday, April 10, 2009
Type
Mike's mom sent us a bunch of childhood photos of Mike. You know who Mike looked a LOT like as a teenager? My ex-husband. Um, awk.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Analyze THIS
So! Last night I dreamed I was in a mental institution. I was there because of huge fears of two things:
1) Gaps. Like, if a door or curtain was partly open, or there was a crack in the floor.
2) Strangers.
I was a screaming, shrieking mess. I had huge adrenaline-rush reactions that would leave me cowering and shaking and too panicked to move---or else running blindly away, so blindly I would run into walls or fall down stairs because I wasn't looking at all where I was going. There was one nurse, small and dark-haired, who was the one I found most reassuring, so she was assigned to me whenever she was on duty.
As the dream went on, I improved a little. Toward the end, I walked past a curtain that was slightly open, and although I had a big rush of panicky feelings, I continued walking and didn't scream or cower, and I was so proud of my progress.
WTF.
1) Gaps. Like, if a door or curtain was partly open, or there was a crack in the floor.
2) Strangers.
I was a screaming, shrieking mess. I had huge adrenaline-rush reactions that would leave me cowering and shaking and too panicked to move---or else running blindly away, so blindly I would run into walls or fall down stairs because I wasn't looking at all where I was going. There was one nurse, small and dark-haired, who was the one I found most reassuring, so she was assigned to me whenever she was on duty.
As the dream went on, I improved a little. Toward the end, I walked past a curtain that was slightly open, and although I had a big rush of panicky feelings, I continued walking and didn't scream or cower, and I was so proud of my progress.
WTF.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Tactful; Also, Less Tactful
Sweetheart Darling Husband,
Unlike most of my blog letters to you, this one I'm actually planning to tell you later, though perhaps in different, more tactful language. The tactful version is that I am completely tapped out dealing with The Needs of Other People recently. It has been one thing after another for what feels like an eternity. I need a break, and I'm going to take one, or maybe two, this weekend. But it's not the weekend yet, and I just wanted to let you know that I can't handle any more Needs, if you get my drift.
And here's the less tactful version: put it near me, and I am snipping it off. Kthanx for understanding.
Love,
Your Wife Constance
Unlike most of my blog letters to you, this one I'm actually planning to tell you later, though perhaps in different, more tactful language. The tactful version is that I am completely tapped out dealing with The Needs of Other People recently. It has been one thing after another for what feels like an eternity. I need a break, and I'm going to take one, or maybe two, this weekend. But it's not the weekend yet, and I just wanted to let you know that I can't handle any more Needs, if you get my drift.
And here's the less tactful version: put it near me, and I am snipping it off. Kthanx for understanding.
Love,
Your Wife Constance
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