The problem is, I don't have enough to write about here. I'm getting along fine with Mike these days. I've discussed the baby fever thing as much as I want to. I'm getting bored discussing my relatively uneventful and possibly unnecessary psychiatric journey. I'm mostly content with life, which makes for a pretty lame Secret Blog.
I notice a lot of the other Constance blogs are languishing a little, too, and I suspect the problem is the same for all of us: we only need OCCASIONAL venting. We might need to come here a lot during a crisis, or we might need an occasional one-time or two-time vent, but we don't need it as often as a person might ordinarily blog.
So here's what I was thinking. What about THEMES? Like, Mental Illness Week, where anyone who wants to talk about how mental illnesses have affected their family can do so. Or Virginity Week, where anyone who wants to talk about how/when they lost it can do so. Or whatevs.
I'm not thinking of anything that would be like, "Everyone should do this!!" More like: if you're like me, and you'd LIKE to write but you don't really have anything to spout off about right now, and the theme seems relevant/interesting, you CAN join in on it.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Ten Years Later
Last week I posted on my regular blog about how it still pissed me off to think of how, more than a dozen years ago, my ex-husband had our marriage annulled by the Catholic Church (we were neither of us Catholic, nor had we married in the Catholic Church). I don't think about it very often, but when I DO think about it, it makes me really mad. I'm mad that he did that, and I'm also mad because I wrote many letters to the church telling them how violently opposed I was to having my marriage annulled, and they did it anyway.
An anonymous commenter then left a comment on a post I wrote here about second-guessing reactions while on medication, saying that I needed therapy because "Most people don't dwell on things that happened 10+ years ago and still feel angry about it."
In my experience, most people DO. I don't mean that it's normal to obsess over something or think about it all the time, but among my friends and relations it's pretty common for someone to still feel emotions if they think about a bad high school break-up, or about a partner who cheated on them, or about a friendship that ended badly---even if it's been a decade.
So now I'm curious: How about you? Don't try to GUESS if you don't know, but if you had something really upsetting/angering happen to you about ten years ago (a break-up, a death in the family, someone cheating on you, a big confrontational fight, someone screwing you over), do you still feel emotions about it now if you think about it? I'll put a poll over to the right, too, so we can collect some data along with the anecdotes.
Poll results for the question "If you think about something bad that happened 10 or more years ago, can you still feel emotions related to that experience?":
106 votes total
97 votes (roughly 92%) said yes
9 votes (roughly 8%) said no
An anonymous commenter then left a comment on a post I wrote here about second-guessing reactions while on medication, saying that I needed therapy because "Most people don't dwell on things that happened 10+ years ago and still feel angry about it."
In my experience, most people DO. I don't mean that it's normal to obsess over something or think about it all the time, but among my friends and relations it's pretty common for someone to still feel emotions if they think about a bad high school break-up, or about a partner who cheated on them, or about a friendship that ended badly---even if it's been a decade.
So now I'm curious: How about you? Don't try to GUESS if you don't know, but if you had something really upsetting/angering happen to you about ten years ago (a break-up, a death in the family, someone cheating on you, a big confrontational fight, someone screwing you over), do you still feel emotions about it now if you think about it? I'll put a poll over to the right, too, so we can collect some data along with the anecdotes.
Poll results for the question "If you think about something bad that happened 10 or more years ago, can you still feel emotions related to that experience?":
106 votes total
97 votes (roughly 92%) said yes
9 votes (roughly 8%) said no
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Fretful/Floppy Spectrum
Oh hello! Would you like to hear more WHINING about my BASICALLY PERFECT LIFE? WELL YOU ARE IN LUCK.
Awhile back, when I decided to try psychiatric medication, it was because of problems with anxiety. I felt all wound up, like I could snap out at any moment---and I often DID snap out. I went on Prozac (daily) and Ativan (as needed).
Now my problem is the opposite: I feel listless and sad, and like all of life is drudgery and repetition followed by decrepitude and death. I always feel tired; I'd love to go back to bed. I have trouble getting motivated or feeling like anything matters. Time gets away from me. Coffee doesn't affect me.
On one hand, there are improvements: I'm no longer lying awake imagining the horrifying deaths of everyone I know and love, for example. I don't get angry or frustrated as easily, and I have more control over how I handle anger/frustration. I can more easily shrug off things that don't hugely matter in the universal scheme of things, such as a child forgetting to bring his homework to school. If my mom says something that causes my teeth to do injury to my tongue, I stop thinking about it after a reasonable amount of time, rather than weaving a giant, permanent brain tapestry of it.
But on the other hand, I don't think the swap is worth it. I wouldn't say I'd RATHER be buzzing with fretfulness than flopping with ennui, but neither one is pleasant and it would be nicer to find something in the middle. I think it's probably time to try a different medication, but the idea of that makes me feel fretful AND floppy. I really hate going to a psychiatrist and saying, "Oh hey, I have nothing to be miserable about but I'm miserable anyway."
Awhile back, when I decided to try psychiatric medication, it was because of problems with anxiety. I felt all wound up, like I could snap out at any moment---and I often DID snap out. I went on Prozac (daily) and Ativan (as needed).
Now my problem is the opposite: I feel listless and sad, and like all of life is drudgery and repetition followed by decrepitude and death. I always feel tired; I'd love to go back to bed. I have trouble getting motivated or feeling like anything matters. Time gets away from me. Coffee doesn't affect me.
On one hand, there are improvements: I'm no longer lying awake imagining the horrifying deaths of everyone I know and love, for example. I don't get angry or frustrated as easily, and I have more control over how I handle anger/frustration. I can more easily shrug off things that don't hugely matter in the universal scheme of things, such as a child forgetting to bring his homework to school. If my mom says something that causes my teeth to do injury to my tongue, I stop thinking about it after a reasonable amount of time, rather than weaving a giant, permanent brain tapestry of it.
But on the other hand, I don't think the swap is worth it. I wouldn't say I'd RATHER be buzzing with fretfulness than flopping with ennui, but neither one is pleasant and it would be nicer to find something in the middle. I think it's probably time to try a different medication, but the idea of that makes me feel fretful AND floppy. I really hate going to a psychiatrist and saying, "Oh hey, I have nothing to be miserable about but I'm miserable anyway."
Friday, February 20, 2009
It's My Mom Driving Me Crazy, Not Religion Per Se
I get so tired of my mom saying negative things about how crazy other religions are, when hers is NO DIFFERENT. It makes me want to join another religion just so she can be the one driven crazy for awhile. She could splutter, "But that makes no SENSE!" and I could be the one saying, "That's how the followers of my religion are SUPPOSED to seem to The World." Then she could say, "But that's VERIFIABLY UNTRUE!!" and I could be the one saying, "You need to have FAITH beyond what your eyes can see." And then she could say, "But there is ZERO evidence that any of this is real!" and I could be the one saying, "But I know it's true because I feel it in my heart." And then she could say, "Listen, that god you're following sounds like a TOTAL ASSHOLE even if he DOES exist," and I could snap, "You don't know him!!!"
And she's so SENSITIVE. In a silly Kung Fu movie we were watching, at the end the fighters turn to the best fighter and call him "Master." So my mom said sarcastically that she guessed he was GOD now. Er, no, "Master" is what they call the person who has best MASTERED a skill or art. The Old Dutch Masters were PAINTERS, not GODS.
And she's so SENSITIVE. In a silly Kung Fu movie we were watching, at the end the fighters turn to the best fighter and call him "Master." So my mom said sarcastically that she guessed he was GOD now. Er, no, "Master" is what they call the person who has best MASTERED a skill or art. The Old Dutch Masters were PAINTERS, not GODS.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Reactions
I'm rediscovering one of the things I hate most about taking psychiatric medication: when my mood is negative in some way, I can't tell if it's "me" or if it's a medication problem.
My recent crisis over no more babies: a natural, normal reaction I'd be having whether or not I was taking medication? a reaction that's much better than it would have been without the Prozac? a reaction that is much worse than it would have been without the Prozac? a reaction that would be completely different on another medication? a situation that might not have even come up, since before Prozac I was thinking I was probably done after five kids? It's hard to separate things out.
But I need to remember that when I'm not on medication, it's also hard to separate things out. I think, "Is this ME, or is this a brain chemistry problem?"
My recent crisis over no more babies: a natural, normal reaction I'd be having whether or not I was taking medication? a reaction that's much better than it would have been without the Prozac? a reaction that is much worse than it would have been without the Prozac? a reaction that would be completely different on another medication? a situation that might not have even come up, since before Prozac I was thinking I was probably done after five kids? It's hard to separate things out.
But I need to remember that when I'm not on medication, it's also hard to separate things out. I think, "Is this ME, or is this a brain chemistry problem?"
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Shove and/or Bolster
Sometimes I know what I need to do, but it's like I need someone to SHOVE me. You know when you see those people in an airplane with the door open and parachutes on their backs, and they're supposed to leap out, and someone's reluctant so the guy in charge just SHOVES him?
Er, wait. I don't want this to go in this direction, where I imply that you shoved me out of an airplane, when what I really mean to say is that I found your comments on the fretful vent post very bolstering, like being propped up and also gently encouraged to go forward, and in fact I was bolstered enough to call the psychiatrist's office and leave another message, which HAD to be done. I did it Monday morning, first thing, before the kids were up.
When I have to use the phone, I rehearse and rehearse beforehand so I don't sound mental, and what I did in this situation was semi-rehearse, so that I would sound semi-mental. This is perhaps the perfect situation for sounding mental, but I didn't want to be fully mental or I wouldn't remember to leave my name, my phone number, or the reason why I was calling. I also took an Ativan, even though those make me sleepy afterward.
Anyway, that was Monday morning, very early. TUESDAY AT DINNERTIME, the phone rang and I picked it up (if I pick up fast, I'm better than if I have to return a call), and it was the doctor herself. Also, if I remember correctly, she's not in on Mondays, although maybe I'm thinking of Fridays. She said she got my message from a week ago, but that the message she was given said I was requesting a refill on the temazepam. Sigh.
She prescribed Ambien. Wellllll, crap. On one hand: yay! I love having a supply of Ambien! I still have a bottle from 2002, and half a tablet is enough to knock me out, so I save it for special occasions, so I'm glad to replenish the supply. But no way---NO way---am I taking Ambien routinely every night. Some insurance companies won't even pay for more than 7-14 tablets a month, because it's HIGHLY ADDICTIVE. Also, it's very very dangerous to take anywhere near alcohol. Also, it's hard to wake up from it, and I still get up in the night fairly often with child-related stuff.
So, okay. I'm going to fill the Ambien. I'm going to take it a couple of nights a week, and I'm going to take Benadryl on another night and see if that helps or if it just makes me groggy and dry-mouthed in the morning. Maybe I'll also try melatonin or one of those other sleep things. At my next appointment, I'll try one more sleep aid. If that doesn't work, I'll ask to try something other than Prozac.
Probably I need to stop PANICKING and instead see this as a long-term process. I'm over-inclined to think "OMG IT'S CONFUSING/DIFFICULT SO LET'S GIVE UP!" And I'm GLAD she's not hyper-active about changing medications: the last time I tried psychiatry, the reason I stopped was that I felt like the psychiatrist put me on something new every time I went. ...Or maybe the reason I stopped was "OMG IT'S CONFUSING/DIFFICULT SO LET'S GIVE UP!"
Er, wait. I don't want this to go in this direction, where I imply that you shoved me out of an airplane, when what I really mean to say is that I found your comments on the fretful vent post very bolstering, like being propped up and also gently encouraged to go forward, and in fact I was bolstered enough to call the psychiatrist's office and leave another message, which HAD to be done. I did it Monday morning, first thing, before the kids were up.
When I have to use the phone, I rehearse and rehearse beforehand so I don't sound mental, and what I did in this situation was semi-rehearse, so that I would sound semi-mental. This is perhaps the perfect situation for sounding mental, but I didn't want to be fully mental or I wouldn't remember to leave my name, my phone number, or the reason why I was calling. I also took an Ativan, even though those make me sleepy afterward.
Anyway, that was Monday morning, very early. TUESDAY AT DINNERTIME, the phone rang and I picked it up (if I pick up fast, I'm better than if I have to return a call), and it was the doctor herself. Also, if I remember correctly, she's not in on Mondays, although maybe I'm thinking of Fridays. She said she got my message from a week ago, but that the message she was given said I was requesting a refill on the temazepam. Sigh.
She prescribed Ambien. Wellllll, crap. On one hand: yay! I love having a supply of Ambien! I still have a bottle from 2002, and half a tablet is enough to knock me out, so I save it for special occasions, so I'm glad to replenish the supply. But no way---NO way---am I taking Ambien routinely every night. Some insurance companies won't even pay for more than 7-14 tablets a month, because it's HIGHLY ADDICTIVE. Also, it's very very dangerous to take anywhere near alcohol. Also, it's hard to wake up from it, and I still get up in the night fairly often with child-related stuff.
So, okay. I'm going to fill the Ambien. I'm going to take it a couple of nights a week, and I'm going to take Benadryl on another night and see if that helps or if it just makes me groggy and dry-mouthed in the morning. Maybe I'll also try melatonin or one of those other sleep things. At my next appointment, I'll try one more sleep aid. If that doesn't work, I'll ask to try something other than Prozac.
Probably I need to stop PANICKING and instead see this as a long-term process. I'm over-inclined to think "OMG IT'S CONFUSING/DIFFICULT SO LET'S GIVE UP!" And I'm GLAD she's not hyper-active about changing medications: the last time I tried psychiatry, the reason I stopped was that I felt like the psychiatrist put me on something new every time I went. ...Or maybe the reason I stopped was "OMG IT'S CONFUSING/DIFFICULT SO LET'S GIVE UP!"
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Fretful Vent
I'm so frustrated. I thought the easy way to handle the medication problem was to just wait 10 days like they told me to, then call the office back and say the temazepam still wasn't working. It seemed easiest to do what they asked me to do and call when they told me to call, rather than trying to persuade someone that I wanted DIFFERENT CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES PLEASE HOW ABOUT SOMETHING I CAN SELL ON STREET CORNERS?
The way this office works, you can only leave messages. That seems really smart for an office that might otherwise spend their whole day dealing with complicated people/problems on the phone. So I called and I left my message. This was last Monday. I didn't hear anything back, so I assumed they'd called something new in (you're supposed to leave all your pharmacy info so they can do that), and today I went to the pharmacy---and no medication.
So NOW what? I don't want to call and leave ANOTHER message as if I'm some sort of NAGGY DRUG-SEEKER, but the dreams are awful and I want them to stop, and I won't keep taking the Prozac if I'm going to keep having the dreams, and I feel like I've waited PLENTY LONG to have this dealt with, and also I don't understand what's going wrong. Am I calling a different extension than I should be calling? Am I supposed to be making an appointment instead of dealing with this over the phone, so they're ignoring my messages? Last time, when I realized it had been a week since I'd left a message, and I called again, and that time they did call me back---and the person I talked to referred to my previous call, so they'd RECEIVED it, they just hadn't ACTED on it. And doesn't that seem kind of....WEIRD? for dealing with MENTAL PROBLEMS??
So I'm in a massive fret. I'm threatening to stop taking the Prozac altogether! I'm threatening to just take the stupid temazepam and get ADDICTED to it, THEN they'll be sorry! I'm flopping around talking about dismissing ALL OF PSYCHIATRY. All this because (1) someone who works in an office dropped the ball in what is probably a totally normal sort of way (TWICE), and (2) I'm a LITTLE MENTAL, which is why I'm TAKING MEDICATION, and (3) one of the things I'm being treated for is phone phobia, which, um, WHY ARE THEY MAKING ME CALL THEM AND CALL THEM, IS THIS A SECRET PART OF THE THERAPY? AM I ON PSYCHIATRIC CAMERA??
I suppose I should call and make an appointment and deal with the person who has the prescription pad. But I HATE to do that when all she's going to do is move to the next medication on the list she mentioned last time. Not only is it a $25 co-pay (which I realize is better than paying her whole fee, but it's not an insignificant amount to me), but it's the arranging of babysitting, the long drive, etc., when she SAID she didn't need to see me again until March. Ack.
/fretful vent
The way this office works, you can only leave messages. That seems really smart for an office that might otherwise spend their whole day dealing with complicated people/problems on the phone. So I called and I left my message. This was last Monday. I didn't hear anything back, so I assumed they'd called something new in (you're supposed to leave all your pharmacy info so they can do that), and today I went to the pharmacy---and no medication.
So NOW what? I don't want to call and leave ANOTHER message as if I'm some sort of NAGGY DRUG-SEEKER, but the dreams are awful and I want them to stop, and I won't keep taking the Prozac if I'm going to keep having the dreams, and I feel like I've waited PLENTY LONG to have this dealt with, and also I don't understand what's going wrong. Am I calling a different extension than I should be calling? Am I supposed to be making an appointment instead of dealing with this over the phone, so they're ignoring my messages? Last time, when I realized it had been a week since I'd left a message, and I called again, and that time they did call me back---and the person I talked to referred to my previous call, so they'd RECEIVED it, they just hadn't ACTED on it. And doesn't that seem kind of....WEIRD? for dealing with MENTAL PROBLEMS??
So I'm in a massive fret. I'm threatening to stop taking the Prozac altogether! I'm threatening to just take the stupid temazepam and get ADDICTED to it, THEN they'll be sorry! I'm flopping around talking about dismissing ALL OF PSYCHIATRY. All this because (1) someone who works in an office dropped the ball in what is probably a totally normal sort of way (TWICE), and (2) I'm a LITTLE MENTAL, which is why I'm TAKING MEDICATION, and (3) one of the things I'm being treated for is phone phobia, which, um, WHY ARE THEY MAKING ME CALL THEM AND CALL THEM, IS THIS A SECRET PART OF THE THERAPY? AM I ON PSYCHIATRIC CAMERA??
I suppose I should call and make an appointment and deal with the person who has the prescription pad. But I HATE to do that when all she's going to do is move to the next medication on the list she mentioned last time. Not only is it a $25 co-pay (which I realize is better than paying her whole fee, but it's not an insignificant amount to me), but it's the arranging of babysitting, the long drive, etc., when she SAID she didn't need to see me again until March. Ack.
/fretful vent
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)