Here is what is working for us right now, sex-wise, in this current stage of life (a mix of children, psychiatric side effects, birth control side effects, and general busyness/distractedness, plus a disagreement about how many children to have and various household frustrations): We have sex once a week on an established day.
On one hand, this is not my ideal. I don't like the Fussy Planning feeling of it, the twin-beds-and-scheduled-intimacy feeling. But that's just the feeling of the IDEA, if you see what I mean. It's not the feeling I get from the actual PRACTICE of it. And, happily, once the system is in place, there need be no more discussion of the idea.
I like the way I know it's going to happen and so can work on shifting mental gears: I always have The Next Five Things in my head, and so getting pawed at when I'm trying to focus on remembering chores/errands is unpleasant, but if I put The Sex on my list, I can mentally clear the schedule for it.
I like the way I know there will be a certain minimum of activity, no matter what happens the rest of the week. I like the way it keeps things up and running, so that an Inappropriate Resistance doesn't accumulate merely from a lack of usage.
I also like the way it makes me feel more free to say no, because I know HE knows there is that certain minimum he will definitely get.
I like the way it gives me a heads-up to add a little alcohol in advance.
This arrangement won't last forever. Every couple has Their Issue, and our issue is sex, and so I know it will be a problem again: in my experience, people who Want It More are NEVER really satisfied with someone who Wants It Less, no matter what arrangements are made: they're chronically dissatisfied, chronically certain other people are having better sex lives than they are. But this is working for now.
I think that's great. Once a week is still OFTEN for many married couples, particularly couples with all sorts of side effects in place to make being physically intimate a bother rather than a pleasure. I used to joke all the time with my DH that the BCP for me worked in two ways: to keep me from ovulating and to keep me from having a sex drive. We got married when I was 21, so that was a HUGE issue for us.
ReplyDeleteHope this works well for you both!
If it helps, you can tell him that I honestly cannot remember the last time my husband and I had sex.
ReplyDeleteOnce a week would be an amazing improvement for us.
This is what we do, and it works pretty well. We've been doing it this way for a year or more and while he would love to do it more, doing it at least once a week on a set day is a great compromise.
ReplyDeleteWe do this as well, I am the one with the lesser drive and once is perfect for me. He still paws me all week though. I give him a couple of hand jobs before the "big day" just to tide him over. He understands that a hand job is all that he gets though, it is NOT foreplay. Poor guy.
ReplyDeleteWhat will be ironic is when the day comes when you want it A LOT more (I've read that actually happens!) and he's less interested. Hey - it could happen. Just promise that Constance will post about it. :0)
ReplyDeleteI think it sounds like a perfectly fine agreement. If we did that, the Hubs would actually get it MORE than he does now. Ouch.
My younger brother calls it his Fuck Date, which makes it sound a lot hotter and cooler than "the day set aside to have sex" or "marital relations day". And I think a baseline day to fulfill basic sexual needs is essential in a marriage with children.
ReplyDeleteAlso, as kind of an aside, I noticed that my blog posts haven't been making it on your building updates. Not a huge deal but thought I'd mention it in case others are having the same trouble.
Nevermind. My latest post showed up. It's kind of like when you take your obviously sick child to the dr and he acts perfectly healthy and charming. Even my secret blog is conspiring against me tonight! Yeesh.
ReplyDeleteWe have a The Sex Issue too. *sigh* How, though, did you get him to agree to 1x a week? Whenever we try to come to some kind of agreement, it's always that he wants MOREMOREMORE and I... don't.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could get that much. Depression and medications are such a bitch. I want NOTHING. Zip, zero, zilch. I have no desires what so ever. Gotta get this fixed!
ReplyDeleteLuckily, hubby is patient.
OMG! I was up until the wee hours as in I got about 2 hours of sleep last night, dealing with this EXACT issue with my husband. I feel horrible that I don't want it as much as he does and I have no idea how to negotiate with him either. Because his issue more than anything is he wants me to want to. I just wish for one day he could be in my body to see what it's like to be me.
ReplyDeleteCan I say that I really appreciate you writing about this so honestly. It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one who a) has a partner who wants it more than I do; and b) has to mentally prepare herself for sex; and c) otherwise, if she doesn't have time to prepare, feels like she is being pawed at. I also struggle with feeling resentment that he sees me as a sex object - like the only reason I do things to take care of myself, physically and emotionally, is to make me sexier for HIM. Sometimes I just want to shout - I do this for me, not for you. It isn't an invitation for you to paw at me and it isn't my problem if it makes you want to paw at me. Ya know?
ReplyDeleteWe've gone back and forth for a while with the once a week thing (though our previous arrangement was twice a week, and he was feeling jilted with that-the jerk). Right now, though, I just had a hysterectomy, which means nothing for him for 5 weeks, and secretly in my head I'm all "neener neener nee-ner"! because I don't have to give it up when I don't want to (which I want to give it up, um, never). I'm thinking after the okay from the doc, though, we're gonna go back to the schedule; I like being mentally prepared, too.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate when you write about this too because I have the feeling A LOT of couples have this as their main issue. Of course for the last year, our main issue has been with the fertility problems, but that ties into this as well. Ever since we were forced to do it on a schedule and I had to keep track of what my ovaries were doing pretty much every day of the month, I realized I am only really frisky for about a week after my period ends. After that, eh. And usually it happens we don't do it during that week and also haven't been doing it that much any other time and now I'm just frustrated and a little worried. Especially since I'm going out of town without him next week (my hornball time) without him and hanging out with a friend with whom there's NEVER been a problem in the sex area.
ReplyDeleteFantastic.
Ugh, same problem here but roles reversed. DH is the one on anti-depressants and therefore has a low sex drive. Which then makes me feel unattractive and schlumpy, like, "Now that we've been married x years and have a baby, you don't think I'm sexy anymore." Wah wah wahh. Add the fact that I feel like a guy because I'M the one that wants to have sex all the time and he feels guilty because he never wants to and it is a cause for hurt feelings (not so much friction, no pun intended, just both of us moping around).
ReplyDeleteConstance the 25th
Amen to whoever said handjobs when they get paw-y during the week. Requests for blow jobs get laughed at though. Why dislocate my jaw and suffer the indignation of not being able to kiss my partner on the face after when it's time to go to sleep (finally)? Might as well just have sex. Sounds like you've got a good little system Constance.
ReplyDeleteJust curious. Are handjobs quicker than a quickie?
ReplyDeleteSex? What is that? No seriously. Married for almost 7 years and my once hot for me husband wsnts nothing to do with me. Suddenly I'm worried that he's cheating on me!!! I just don't get it and I feel all sorts of dejected.
ReplyDelete