You know what is pissing me off? That because sex is one of the issues Mike and I struggle with, there are people who assume this means I'm frigid and we never have sex and I deprive poor Mike of a normal sexual relationship. And they assume it AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN, no matter how clearly I state the situation.
That is SO STUPID. No, really, I said it and I meant it: STUPID.
Most of you totally get this, and so you'll be like the kids in the classroom who long since understood and yet get stuck in their seats while the things have to be made very clear to the slow ones. Sorry, but a few people need this spelled out verrrrrry carefully so they have some hope of eventually understanding. The rest of you can read quietly at your desks.
"Wanting sex less than someone else" does not mean "never wanting sex." Nor does it mean "doesn't like sex." Nor does it mean "wanting sex less than normal."
Let this sink in for a minute, slow children. Let's say Mike was a SEXUAL MANIAC who wanted sex TEN TIMES A DAY. Let's say I wanted it less than he did---only FOUR times a day. Would I be described as frigid, or as someone who never wanted sex, or as someone who didn't like sex, or as someone who wanted sex less than normal? No. Could I still complain about and be upset about the difference in our sexual appetites and want to work to try to resolve it? Yes.
But oh! It's a woman complaining her husband wants sex more than she does! She must be a COLD WITHHOLDING BITCH WHO HATES SEX AND NEVER GIVES HIM ANY! And when she does submit to it, she lies there like a stone, rolling her eyes because she has no sex drive at all! Idiots.
Need another example? Let's say we had another Stereotype Issue: the wife who wants to spend MORE money, and the husband who wants to spend LESS. Does this mean the husband never wants to spend money at all, not even on groceries or utilities? Does this mean the husband never wants to spend any money on non-essentials either, not even on Christmas presents or home decor or treats? NO. It means he wants to spend LESS THAN WHAT HIS WIFE WANTS TO SPEND. He might want to spend a GENEROUS AMOUNT, it's just that she wants to spend MORE THAN THAT.
Seriously, it makes me dislike mankind that I have to explain this to ANYONE, let alone MANY anyones.
Sing it, Sister! Amen!
ReplyDeleteAMEN! My husband has SERIOUSLY said he'd *like* to have sex a minimum of once a day. So if I only agree 3x a week - that makes me seem like a mean wife. Really - we both just want different things - neither is "wrong." (Although I guess the one who wants it more is always going to feel wronged and therein lies the problem...)
ReplyDeleteYES! Yes. I think it was you that did a poll one time about how many times a week people were having sex (forgive me if it wasn't you). I bring that poll up all the time to my husband who feels constantly deprived, even though we were on the more frequent end of the responses. I like to compare it to a hot fudge sundae - I really love it when I have one, but if I had one every day, it would lose its appeal.
ReplyDeleteOh, man, luckily I was one of the kids reading quietly at her desk. ;)
ReplyDeleteSex and Money. I really think that it IS true that these are the two most important issues in a marriage (heard that from someone somewhere but don't remember WHO or WHERE). But really, so many things fall under the umbrella of these two categories.
(And I know the money example was just an EXAMPLE.)
Anyway, YES I SO HEAR YOU. Kisses!
Love you, Constance. Voice crying in the wilderness you are.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I was sitting quietly at my desk, reading "A Wrinkle in Time."
ReplyDeletePutting aside the issue of the OBVIOUS SKIMMERS in the crowd, what the FUCK, I totally get your frustration with the original issue.
ReplyDeleteIt astonishes me when a partner seems to feel that the minimum standard for quantity/quality of sex is "the most/best I've ever had at some point in the distant past". When, uh, that is not exactly...REASONABLE. In an actual, REAL LIFE.
You're so much fun when you're mad. It's an enviable gift, really - to be funny and charming while furious.
ReplyDeleteThis is the danger of being honest in a way that not many people are, even on the internet. So much room for STUPID JUDGERS.
ReplyDeleteSee, now. I went to go back and read the evil comments...but they were gone. :) Congratulations for asserting control.
ReplyDeleteGetting upset about a partner's appetite is rarely cool. I mean, if you just pushed out a wee one, that's one story. But if in the course of day to day life, one partner is angry, bitter, upset about the other's appetite-- there are more problems than just the appetite going on. It's a symptom, not the real issue.
ReplyDeleteOmg Anonymous, she gets comments on it all the fucking time. Every time she posts about it, some anonymous dickhead has to give her crap about it. She's deleting the crap now, but also maybe you don't read all the commetns she gets, is that maybe a possible reason you think no one ever called her frigid or no one ever calle dher a bitch or no one ever said she didn't like sex or that this is just about taking one single comment too seriously because of also not having a sense of humor? IT gets said all the time. No one expects you to read all the comments, but if she says she hears it all the time, why would you think you know better? And if she was trying to stir up controversy, why would she be deleting all the controversial comments? You really are an idiot.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous- Okay, so that's the nickel's worth of pop psychology: if two people have a recurring issue they can't solve, there's an Underlying Issue. And as you know if you read here regularly, I completely disagree with that. In my opinion, the problem here is that we have a major incompatibility in this one area---and that it's common for a couple to have one major incompatibility issue, if not more than one.
ReplyDeleteI think the reason we can't resolve it isn't that there's a Deeper Meaning, but rather than there's not much budging that can be done to a sexual appetite: he can't reduce his by much, and I can't increase mine by much. We both try, but we still don't meet in the middle. I don't see anything more than a plain, on-the-surface kind of issue there.
Also, have you noticed this is a venting blog? I do a whole bunch of things to try to make things work more smoothly with this incompatibility issue, and one thing I find very helpful is to vent some of the emotion now and then. I have not found it helpful to vent it TO MIKE, who then gets upset and defensive. And so, as a person who writes, I started a place where I could periodically write about it. And---lucky me---this turned out to also be a place where people would be happy to repeatedly assign blame for the problem and/or suggest it was a freakishly abnormal problem require intervention from a professional.
Ah Swistle, you are the Queen of Analogies.
ReplyDeletei can't tell you how hilarious i find it that on a post SPECIFICALLY SAYING how annoying it is when anonymous posters assume things about this subject, a freaking anonymous poster does EXACTLY THAT. oh anonymous, thank you so much for holding up the stereotype...!
ReplyDeletealso? the last line about "many anyones"? i believe we should implement a new word: MANYONES.
I can't even add anything. It's just too obvious that the manyones must be playing nintendo DS at their desk or sitting in the hall for eating glue everytime this gets explained. I actually thought incompatible sex drives was normal, just like not liking all the same tv shows, wanting the exact same number of kids, how to spend every last penny was normal.
ReplyDelete