Time for the latest Mom/Religion Vent.
My cat died recently. I was saying to my mom that it had been difficult talking to the kids about it---not so much the older two, but the 4-year-olds. They don't know what death is, and there is the danger that the conversation will veer quickly to whether or not THEY or WE will die, and I'd just RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT NOW KTHANX.
So anyway, I was telling my mom. And she said, "This would be a whole lot easier if you were a Christian!" She said it lightly, with no Bad Tone---I want to make sure I make that clear. I have to keep reminding myself that as a lifelong Christian, she doesn't HEAR it the way I hear it. If I had to guess, I'd say that she means it as an accepting/bonding thing, like she's showing how cool she is with me not being a Christian: see, she can mention it casually like it's no big thing! I think she thinks of it as gentle, affectionate teasing.
But it LIGHTS me. I think it's the message it sends, which I want to say again is a message I believe is COMPLETELY UNINTENDED. The message is, "Aren't you sorry NOW you ditched us! You thought you were SO SMART giving up The True Way, but now you see how difficult The False Path is!" I could have been explaining things to my children with the easy stories I'd been carefully taught, but NO.
The part of the message I KNOW is unintentional is this part: the idea that Christianity is a story we're supposed to believe not because it's true but because it gives us an easier way to handle tough situations. Since I believe this IS IN FACT WHY religions started, this goes right ahead and pushes my button. I feel like saying back, "Yes, and it would also be a WHOLE LOT EASIER if I told them the kitty is NOT dead but just visiting his family on a farm, but that doesn't mean I DO tell those lies."
She would be appalled if someone said to her that it would be so much easier to explain things to her students if she just told them the truth about Neptune controlling the ocean and Thor controlling thunderstorms and Cupid causing people to fall in love and so forth. The assumptions present in that kind of statement are AWFUL, she'd say. When SHE says such things, it's different because SHE is talking about things that are TRUE.
I grew up as a Christian and although I have not embraced atheism, I am sort of a Christian agnostic these days. :) But what I wanted to say was that I don't think the Christian ideology makes death any easier to understand or explain or make peace with. As far as I'm concerned, the idea of death being THE END and that one ceases to exist after dying, body, mind and soul, is not frightening at all. Do you remember being scared before you were conceived? No. Because you didn't exist. That's not so scary. The Christian idea of heaven and judgement is way more disconcerting when you have to deal with hell and damnation and hoping to pray the right prayer or live the right life so you will be welcomed into the pearly gates. Although I have not totally writtten off an afterlife, I do not at all find the idea of death as THE END scary or unsatisfying. It bothers me when Christians make it sound like those who have no afterlife ideology must be so tortured by the concept of death. That's ridiculous. Atheists are no more tortured than Christians. Death stinks. It's a shitty concept to have to explain to children and contemplate for myself. Anyway, that's my two cents. Good luck with the kids! I've found short explanations to be easiest and then if they have questions we deal with them.. But most often they just listen and say "oh, ok!" and that's the end of it.
ReplyDeleteIt's true though. There are times when I wish I could just dish out the mythology as answer to life's questions to my kids and call it a day. Someone has written the script for it, you know? It has all been planned out. "This is what you say when X occurs." Just TRY finding a parenting book for a non-believing family to help you through this. (Well, maybe you know of one. If so, share please.)
ReplyDeleteAnd while it is implied the "aren't you sad you ditched us now" mentality...I am so not going to feed my kids (or myself) philosophy that I think is inherently harmful, just because someone has written the script for me.
I was raised Southern Baptist, became an athiest, then agnostic, and then Catholic. LOL.
ReplyDeleteSo, let me say this: being a Christian or not doesn't make death any easier to deal with. While I'm Catholic on paper, I have a lot of issues with their "rules" and with Christianity in general. Without going off on a tangent, I think Christians tend to say "Well, now they're in Heaven!" and leave it at that. While it's nice to leave things in a higher power's hands, that's just a way of not dealing with it. In my opinion. The fact remains that its still THE END of life as we know it. Sad, but true.
I'm rambling...and that was deep for me after 6 hours of sleep. I'm sleepy. :(
BLERG. This one is tough. We struggle with this one too, with several family members who are "gone," but most frequently with our dead dog. Calum likes to pretend to BE the dead dog, which is bizarre yet totally okay. He definitely doesn't get that Linus (the dog) is DEAD, but rather "gone," and so far we haven't had much questioning beyond that. The day is coming, though.
ReplyDeleteOn the Christianity stuff... I'm no help. I share your perspective but don't ever discuss this with my own Catholic parents.
Shannon: I'm sort of on the Christian agnostic road, too. Nicely stated views on death - I'd be tortured thinking of the judgment.
ReplyDeleteConstance: I would love to be a fly on the wall when you are with your mom. I have relatives whose religious views are similar to hers and am able to blow them off. Sorry it bothers you so much - but your venting is always interesting and thought-provoking!
C99
Well, I have a SIL who has told her 7 year old and 5 year old that their beloved dog is "living with another family" which i guess is nicer to say than "squashed on the highway" but the lying drives me nuts. I realize that has nothing to do with religion except I'm glad you are telling the kids the truth that the cat is dead. Oh, and my daughter also likes to play dead which is a bit disconcerting but she always comes back to life when she's tired of lying on the floor ;)
ReplyDeleteYikes. My MIL is Catholic, and my hubby is too, sort of. I mean, he's Catholic but over the years no longer believes in everything the Catholic church preaches, but still believes a lot of it. But he doesn't go to church very often anymore. And my daughter's asking a lot of questions as she gets older.
ReplyDeleteThe other day she asked me where Heaven is. And I told her that *I* believe Heaven is a place in your heart, where we keep the memories of the people/animals and the times we shared with them close to us always. Because I'm agnostic, and I don't at all believe in Hell, and not really in Heaven as a place, either. I think it satisfied her, and my husband was okay with that, too.
Not that you asked. Just thought I'd share.
I sincerely hope I don't offend you (SO not my intention) but I've been following your blogs for a while now (evidently not closely enough?) and I thought you were a Christian. Heh.
ReplyDeleteI was raised as a Christain, and I don't lie, but I don't dare discuss religion with my extremely conservative, right-wing family because they would promptly disown me if they had the slightest inkling that I don't say my prayers every night before bed.
Also? Once I accidentally and stupidly started discussing the theory of evolution with my grandma, and PISH. What an idiot I was to think she could be the slightest bit open-minded. Lesson learned.
Do the right-wingers ever go to school and study science?
ReplyDeleteAll you have to tell the kids is that Georgie is going in the ground now, he'll become food for plants and the molecules that make up his body will go into the universe and continue the cycle of life. Yes, it will happen to you, me, mommy, and daddy, but not right now. And there's nothing to be afraid of. This is just something that happens.
ReplyDeleteNo "god" needed.
Being a Christian doesn't make death any easier ~ at least not in my world. Yes the person is in Heaven, but they still aren't HERE with me!! I'm still upset that I don't get to have them. It's still impossible to explain that to a child ... and really? Try explaining to a kid that we are supposed to love and trust this benevolent God who just took their beloved Grandma away and they won't ever see her again. There's no way you are going to get the kid to understand that "well honey, God wanted her to live with Him now." Yeah - they Still. Want. Grandma.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about your cat ((((HUGS))))
What I think makes Christian Death easier is:
ReplyDelete1. The person/pet isn't really gone; they're still "alive" somewhere.
2. We'll see them again someday, and then we get to be together forever.
Atheist death is:
1. The person/pet is truly and forever gone, not alive in any sense of the word.
2. We will never see them again.
Amber- Heh. Oh dear. I do think I must accidentally give off WAVES of Christian. It's probably the "lots of kids, not much swearing, baking muffins/cookies" thing.
ReplyDelete@Misty:
ReplyDeleteI recommend Parenting Beyond Belief by Dale McGowan. It might be exactly what you are looking for. I mean, look at the subtitle: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion. Good luck.
I really "get" what you are saying, its not about the cat dying AT ALL. Its your mothers talking about being a christian that gets to you. Almost every conversation I have with my Mom ends up having something to do with me Not being a christian. Or as I hear it not as good as she is. When did being a christian make them judges over the rest of us???
ReplyDelete