[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]
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I am having a disagreement with my husband and wanted to ask all of you in the Constance building what you think.
Should a married man's best friend be a married woman he works with? This is NOT someone he grew up with, but rather someone he's just known for about 2 years.
Should a husband insist on seeing this woman even after his wife expresses concern about the appropriateness of the relationship?
Should the wife be concerned if the "friend" calls her husband after 11pm (while the wife is sleeping) and asks him to come meet her for a beer?
Should the wife be concerned if the husband SNEAKS OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH THE INTENT OF NEVER TELLING HIS WIFE AT ALL THAT HE DID GO MEET HER?
Just curious as to whether or not I'm overreacting. Thanks.
I think it depends on your husband and his "friend" if their friendship is inappropriate. However, if you have expressed concern about their relationship, I would think that he would want to ease your concerns by being as open and honest as possible.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, the sneaking around thing is completely inappropriate.
I was ok with it up until the sneaking out of the house. At any rate, if you're obviously troubled by the relationship, he needs to make some changes, whether something inappropriate is happening or not.
ReplyDeleteI would be upset about him sneaking out to see anyone or do anything--especially as you specifically asked him not to.
ReplyDeleteResponses in order of your questions:
ReplyDelete1. No.
2. Absolutely not.
3. Yes, I'm sorry to say.
4. Most definitely.
YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING.
My heart hurts for you. I have been cheated on; I went through all of this and let me just tell you that your husband will probably tell you you are being unreasonable, hormonal, over-sensitive, etc. but let ME tell you: YOU ARE NOT. Stick with your GUT. If I could give you a hug right now, even though I don't know you, I totally would. Because I lived through this and it hurts.
I don't think you are overreacting AT ALL. I would be VERY CONCERNED about this friendship myself. The fact that you are uncomfortable and he refuses to change anything is a problem, in my opinion. My opinion is that, no matter how harmless I think something is, if it upsets my partner, then something needs to change.
ReplyDeleteI want to say that I'd be fine with my husband having a female best friend, but I would be jealous and suspicious. The fact that's she calling him to get a beer without you, late at night is very suspicious. I would be irritated if one of my husband's guy friends did that, but furious if it was a woman.
ReplyDeleteTrust your instincts here, you are not out of line for being concerned.
I'd be pissed and I do not think it's unreasonable at all.
ReplyDeleteYou are totally NOT overreacting. I wouldn't be okay with any of the things listed here. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteWOAH...this is NOT okay! NOT!
ReplyDeleteI would be doing my own private investigation at this point :)
I am a married woman. One of my best friends is a man in a serious relationship. We talk on the phone all the time, but not late at night. Before I was married, we used to go out to hang out, just the two of us, but now we almost always go out with our significant others because we all get along really well.
ReplyDeleteAll this is to say that I don't have a problem with a spouse whose best friend is the opposite sex. However, I am sure there are specific women that I would distrust if my husband befriended them.
What really bothers me is the sneaking out. Even if they have a perfectly platonic relationship, that is WRONG.
I was okay until it came to the sneaking out part. I'm sure your husband would say he didn't want to wake you, etc. but the bells and whistles are going off. Trust your instincts. And maybe you should invite the "friend" and her husband over to see for yourself the interactions. You'll know by the stolen glances. You'll know.
ReplyDeleteHe would rather sneak out for a beer than stay next to his warm and cozy wife in bed? Um... I would say something is most definitely not right
ReplyDeleteHoly Shitballs NO. I'm a big believer that the area of gray is so easy to enter into and once you're in it long enough "gray" takes on whole new meaning and then you're in trouble. My mother cheated on my father for years. It all started out very innocently. He was my violin teacher for heavens sake. My husband's mother cheated on his dad with the Banjo teacher. As such we're very careful with boundaries just because it's such a sensitive issue for both of us.
ReplyDeleteIf you have a problem with it, it's a problem. You come first. Period. And sneaking out?!!! Uhhhhh.. Riiiggghht. Kick his ass. Marriage is sacred and if you want to keep it healthy there are certain things that need to be respected. SUCH AS EACH OTHER. I have no problem with the friendship. But as for the going out together, holy toledo no. Especially that late at night. If she's so awesome why can't you come too? Or if they want to hang after work, do it in a group.
Seriously not a big fan of one on one time between the married sexes. Unintentionally it almost always leads to trouble. Case in point here. Even if it's all innocent still, the sneaking is a violation of trust. There's such a thing as emotional cheating too. Also not such a big fan.
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I've just seen so many marriages seriously marred or destroyed by a road of good intentions. Be careful. And be completely honest with him. He's your spouse. YOU'RE his best friend, his lover, and his companion. The end.
Good luck. :)
None of that is ok. It's damned suspicious! My rule of thumb is 'anything I wouldnt do with my husband standing next to me, is wrong'.
ReplyDeleteIn a honest trusting relationship, you shouldn't have to worry about women friends. Ultimately, cheating is your husband's choice not hers. Even if she wants to, he's still got to agree to it. And if he does, it's his fault, not hers. She didn't make any vows to you.
ReplyDeleteSo, up to the sneaking out part, things seemed fine. If he's not talking to you about it, or worse, trying to hide it, something is wrong. You need to talk. Not make ultimatums (her or me!) because that's not fair to him and she isn't the one who caused a problem to start with. But actually talk about it. Why is he spending so much time with her? Is there something he gets from her he's not getting elsewhere? And I'm not talking sex. My husband has women friends who are nurses and he talks to them about his job as a paramedic and stuff and I'm thrilled that he's getting it somewhere, because I am bored to tears by it. Try to talk to him calmly without letting jealousy and hurt feelings infterfere. That doesn't mean you don't have them, but they usually get in the way of actually solving probelms. And this upsets you, so it needs solved.
You definitely have the right to be angry about the lying part though.
Most definately you should be concerned. I am a firm believer men and women cannot be just friends. And I would be very upset over the sneaking out of the house. Something is going on between them I think, So sorry.
ReplyDeleteFor sure you should be mad about the sneaking part. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteEverything in the beginning I was hesitantly okay with, until the part about sneaking out and never planning on telling you. I myself have actually gone out with a male friend after eleven, when I really needed to vent and my husband was already asleep, but I SO told him about it first thing in the morning to make it clear that this was NOT a case of sneaking around. So yeah, I'd be a little concerned.
ReplyDeleteI have no problem with being close friends with a married person of the opposite sex- my closest friends are men, they are married, and hubby is totally fine with my friendships with them.
ReplyDeleteHowever. NOT ok with the sneaking out. NOT ok with going out just the two of them. I won't go anywhere with either of my friends without hubby, or without their wives. (I do work with one of my guy friends, but the time we spend together there is ok because we're are WORK.)
Before we were all married people, I would spend time with the one guy just us- hubby was ok with it. But as marrieds? Really doesn't happen, though I'm not sure if that's my rule or hubby's, or even friend's wife's rule. Whatever.
Put your foot down, honey. You ARE NOT OVERREACTING.
Being friends with a woman from work? Fine. All the other stuff? Not fine.
ReplyDeleteSorry you are having this issue, but you are NOT overreacting.
I'm with Farrell up there. I've lived through stuff like this (me being guilty of the emotional affair and then my husband of the physical) and what ended up happening was a separation that lasted almost a year. We ended up working things out, but man was that a rough year.
ReplyDeleteIMO, while it's okay to have friends of the opposite sex, if the married person starts spending more time and energy and attention on the friend, there's a problem. Your spouse should be numero uno in every aspect.
You're not overreacting. The fact that you wrote this shows you're very concerned and judging from the situation, you have every right to be.
I'm so sorry; I hope you all can work through this.
The part that is sticking most in my craw is the "best friend" thing. I don't know why that's bugging me so much. It's like...he's using elementary school terminology. And also, I think of guys as not saying "best friend," especially about someone they met recently.
ReplyDeleteOh dear God. Honey, none of that stuff is okay. Your husband is, at best, immature and selfish. You've got a problem.
ReplyDeleteI have always had close male friends, but it does take on a different tone after you are married - there are different rules and boundaries. And the late night calls and sneaking out are breaking/crossing them. It doesn't mean that he is cheating by any means, but it's definitely not a good path to be on. I don't know how you handle it, but you need to make it very clear that you are not comfortable with it and that it is damaging your marriage, and if he values your relationship, he needs to understand that.
ReplyDeleteI'm absolutely NOT saying that anything is going on. NOT NOT NOT saying that.
ReplyDeleteWhat I will say is that I had an affair with someone in the office and it started much like that. There are uncofortable signs there that make me worry for you. Do not ignore them. Keep talking to your husband and arguing with him about it. When you ignore it, it will be easier for him if something is going on.
But again, that doesn't mean something IS going on right now. It's just a very slippery slope.
And, I have to point this out only because it's another warning factor. You have discussed here that your sex drives do not align. Be very clear with your hubby that if he continues a close friendship with this woman that conversations about the your private life with him are not allowed to happen with this woman. That is very very bad. Those conversations will lead to an emotional intimacy that's just one step away from more.
Keep arguing with him! You are not over reacting!
Are you suspicious and think he's cheating? Or is it more that you're feeling angry/betrayed/hurt by all the choices that he's making?
ReplyDeleteI think you know him best and so, trusting your gut is the most important thing. Don't doubt your own sense of what's happening in your own relationship.
I knew this woman who had the occasion to talk to a private investigator. He told her that of all the times that he'd been hired to get pictures/proof of a husband's infidelity, not ONCE were a woman's instincts about an affair incorrect. Not once. I often remember that.
I think you're the best judge, is what I'm saying.
You are absolutely not over-reacting here.
ReplyDeleteI would like to say that there is nothing wrong with either you or your partner having a 'best friend' that is of the opposite sex, or even if that person happens to be someone from work for that matter. BUT, that being said there are boundaries and rules in those sorts of friendships. Partners should *always* come first, no matter what. If you were unhappy about the friendship between them and you spoke to him about it, he should have respected that and either cut the friendship or set stricter boundaries for her.
Phoning after 11pm to go for a beer. NOT OK. Him sneaking out at night most definitely NOT OK. This should not be happening, period. How would he feel if positions were reversed?
You need to put a stop to this now. You don't deserve to be treated this way.
Similar situation to something my brother went thru with his wife....she kept saying they were just friends...up until the point she slept with him.
ReplyDeleteI'm just sayin'.