Maybe this is a better analogy than yesterday's. I think sometimes when someone wants sex Less Often, the assumption is that that person "doesn't like sex" or "never wants sex" or whatevs. I don't know why that is. Certainly there ARE people who don't like sex, but that's a different place on the spectrum than "wanting it less often than partner does." The person who wants it Less Often might have a larger than average sexual appetite, for example, but their partner has an even larger one.
So here is my second try at an analogy. Let's say I love pizza, which I do, and let's say I like to have it every single week, which I do. I look forward to it for days, and I enjoy every bite, chewing slowly because it is So! Delicious! I love pizza. It's one of my favorite foods. I choose it for my birthday dinner every year.
And let's say that Mike loves pizza, which he does, and let's say he would like to have it five nights a week, which he would. Because he does most of the cooking, let's say he DOES make pizza five nights a week. I do love pizza, but if I eat it that often I start to get sick of it, and to no longer look forward to it. I eat much less of it, and I enjoy it much less, if at all. It's now something I kind of choke down.
If we had pizza less often, I would enjoy it A LOT. I would look forward to it. I would LOVE it. But because we are having it TOO OFTEN, I lose a lot of my enjoyment. I start to wonder why both of us have to eat pizza at the rate HE likes to have pizza, especially since having it as often as he wants it is destroying my enjoyment of it. I start thinking of solutions that involve him eating pizza five nights a week, four of those nights by himself and one of those nights with me.
I got what you were saying back when it was shopping but I completely agree. "Pizza" every night makes you stop enjoying it as much... At least in my case.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a really common situation, especially as we get older. Too much of ANY good thing is not cool, because it no longer is good and then what's left? I wish I had a solution to the problem. I've noticed now that I've had to keep track of EVERY DAY of my cycle the past three months, I mostly "want pizza" the few days I ovulate and other than that...eh. That was a revelation.
ReplyDeleteKim- ever since I started trying to keep track of every day of my cycle, I've noticed that too. The few days of, um, EAGERNESS are now as predictable as the mood swing and chin pimples two days before my period comes. It's weird. But I think it's probably true for most women- it totally makes sense, biologically speaking.
ReplyDeleteTotally true! Good analogy too!
ReplyDelete~ d e v a n
You are articulate and entertaining, C the first. I really enjoy reading your thought processes! Sometimes I am just happy for a quickie - gives him what he wants and doesn't take too much effort.
ReplyDeleteThis is a bit off the subject, but I have a few questions that I'd like you to ask your readers sometime in the next few weeks. Maybe you could make it into a guest post. How often do all you women masterbate? Do any of you find that hubby/partner doesn't want to spend the time and you need to finish yourself off every now and then when he turns over and is snoring in about one minute? Or do any of you find that you can do a better job of it - that you can make your orgasms last longer and feel more intense? What other reasons do you have for pleasuring yourselves?
Now let's say someone is pressuring you to eat pizza when you don't want to. Even if you liked pizza enough to have it five days a week, the knowledge that pizza has somehow become MANDATORY, that you have to eat it whether or not you want to, will pretty much spoil whatever desire for pizza you started out with.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, though, let's say that pizza was a treat that you're only allowed to have sometimes, and under circumstances largely beyond your control. On any given day, you might start thinking about how good pizza would be, but you can never be sure whether or not you'll get some. There are some things you can try, though, to improve your chances of eating pizza. On days when you look especially good or say just the right things, pizza is lot more likely to appear - so not only is pizza now a delicious meal, but it's also a huge ego boost. Pretty soon you'll be craving pizza MORE THAN EVER BEFORE!
And if you happen to move to a town where pizza is delivered automatically every night, you might discover that it doesn't ever taste quite as good as it did back in the days when you never knew for sure on any given day whether or not you'd get some.
This, at least, is my theory as to why virtually every couple seems to have not only a gap in their taste for, um, pizza, but also that the gap tends to widen over time.
That is why my 'hand' eats pizza 5 nights a week ;)
ReplyDeleteWell, as the partner in my relationship that would enjoy pizza more often, I do usually wait until he is in the mood and wants pizza rather than trying to force the pizza for the both of us.
ReplyDeleteI think there are several reasons that men often don't consider the appetite of women. One is because men tend to be unobservant. Cthe1st - I think that you are wildly optimistic to think that your husband would pick up on cues. Even if the cue is you saying that you aren't in the mood. Boys tend to be stupid. Even the really good ones. And I'm not even sure that being stupid is their fault - I think they are just wired that way. Plus, boys (men) often overestimate how sexy they are and their ability to get their partner in the mood regardless of what the partner says.
Another reason is that boys (men) never seem to get tired of showing that they CAN have pizza. And once they are ready for pizza, most men are even less likely to notice/care about cues from their partner.
Listen, if you don't want pizza, then YOU should cook.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you don't want to have sex, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU LETTING HIM HAVE SEX WITH YOU???
Your husband is sometimes a douchebag about this, it seems, yes... but YOU control when you do and don't have sex. If you don't want it, don't do it. Stand up for yourself and take control of your own life. Geez.
You're referring to individual preferences without understanding the reasons behind the preferences.
ReplyDeleteWhy does he want/need/crave sex every day? Is it a control thing? Does he simply really like the endorphin rush? Or, like most males, is it a biological release-valve that he "needs" to engage?
Why don't you want it as often? Maybe your dopamine receptors get maxed out way sooner than his do. Maybe yours is a control thing too, you don't enjoy it if it's being foisted upon you or expected of you? Or, like most women, there's an emotional aspect that gets waylaid if it starts to feel "like a chore" or "everyday"?
There are underlying reasons behind one partner's inability to acknowledge the difference between the drives and then the unwillingness to not be a douche about it.
There are also underlying reasons why you sit there and take it when you don't really want it. Who on earth would put up with that??
My suggestion involves couples therapy, something you believe is as useless as regular therapy, but unless you can talk openly about your needs and enforce boundaries that make you happy, counseling may be the only way to actually resolve the differences you're having. Not every high-drive partner is as douchebaggy as your husband seems to be, and not every low-drive partner is as much of a pushover/doormat as you seem to be, so trying to make a one-size-fits-all analogy doesn't do anything except obfuscate the actual root(s) of the problem.
You're a fabulous writer-- you should speak like you write, that is, clearly.
Oh, I see your wacky Anonymous Commenter is at it again!
ReplyDeleteHA HA!
I don't know what kind of person sees a need for couples therapy for this PIZZA ISSUE but WOW, some people feel entitled to just plaster their own shit right overtop of yours, Constance.
Whatever.
Ignoring all the complexities involved is just jackassery.
It was a well-thought-out, well-explained metaphor to a common situation. There's a joke in there somewhere about pick-up or delivery but it's late and I'm tired.
Anonymous- To me, a more interesting question than "Why do I continue to try to find a good solution to a rough spot with my husband, sometimes trying compromise, sometimes trying his way, sometimes trying my way, working it out both with him and in a 'journal' way?" is "Why do I allow anonymous strangers to berate me and make mean, baseless assumptions about me and what I do/don't think about things, when I could so easily turn off anonymous commenting?"
ReplyDeleteIt is such a mystery.
LOL C-1 at your response to the anonymous commentors! Yes, I think that is the true mystery here. Why you continue to try to have peace in your house and a good relationship with a man who seems like a nice guy and good husband (with a few blind spots and inconsiderate moments, like all people!) is beyond me!*snort*
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but "rough spots" don't necessarily have to involve things you aren't in the mood for.
ReplyDelete"Keeping him happy" is just a way of saying you're not brave enough to stand up for yourself and be serious about having a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship.
Are you keeping YOU happy? That's another question, of equal importance.
It's a douchebag move, to go for sexual release when the other party isn't really getting anything out of it. It's unfair because it's a mutual activity, and one would hope both parties are able to enjoy it. It's not fair to do something with/to another person if they aren't digging it. And your post details that it makes you enjoy the pizza itself less and less, the more it's forced onto your plate.
That's all, I'm not saying your husband's a douchebag, I'm just saying it's a disrespectful move and I can't see why anyone would put up with it. If he's really that "good" of a guy, he'll see where you're coming from and be fine with waiting a few more days/weeks/months for you to be ready to initiate.
If you aren't in the mood, he needs to find his own pizza. When you are in the mood, you can both enjoy the pizza. But why you put up with eating pizza 5 days a week when you could cook something else is beyond me. Sorry if that doesn't sit well with your sycophants, but that's my anonymous view on things.
And yes, if you're really that offended by anonymous commenters, it does make one wonder why you leave anonymous comments open.
C1, what you don't understand is that your husband is not allowed to be douchbaggy and disrespectful, but anonymous commenters are. Also, your anonymous commenters understand your situation far better than you do, and they are psychic so they know what you think about things, and they also realize there is only one way to see the situation. If you disagree, you are an idiot. But if you do agree, you're a sycophant. Do you get it now, or are you still confused?
ReplyDeleteMany anonymous comments are respectful, and to turn the anonymous off means you might miss some insightful or interesting thoughts. So- thanks for leaving anonymous on... You can remove individual comments, can't you?
ReplyDeleteAlso, that anonymous commentor who does not understand the value of sometimes "keeping him happy" must be a drudge him/herself to live with. People in long-term relationships do all sorts of things to keep their partner happy. This is called compromise and empathy and it is why some people maintain wonderful healthy long-term relationships. He/she needs to get real!
Thanks for this blog - I love it, C the first!
Anonymous- I agree---especially on a blog where people might want to leave comments on very private issues. This is getting tricky, because I want to allow people to stay anonymous, and I want to allow open discussion, but I'm getting tired of the name-calling and "Geez, how could anyone be so stupid?" stuff.
ReplyDeleteHey, I thought of a compromise: comment moderation! Yay!
ReplyDeleteCrap, I feel bad now...I made the hand eating pizza anon comment :) no real reason I kept it anon, it was just what was selected.
ReplyDeleteAshley- No, no, posting comments as Anonymous is fine and even EXPECTED (like for sensitive topics). The only comments I object to (either anonymous or non-anonymous) are the rude/mean/hostile ones. Yours wasn't any of those things!
ReplyDeleteI think the point was -- why is he doing it? One answer is this: because you let him.
ReplyDeleteWhy do the douchy anons do it? One answer is-- because you let them.
That's what I can see.
This is a discussion my husband I have frequently. And I agree, sometimes you compromise even if you aren't in the mood, oh no. But I did notice that I am more interested in pizza when I am not on the pill. This is why he is getting the big V. He isn't excited about it, but again he is compromising. Who knew pizza was so controversial?
ReplyDeleteI'll second lipppy. I have a better libido when I'm not on The Pill.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but some people would kill for a partner who wants sex 4+ times per week. You complaining? Ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteIt is an ANALOGY. The numbers are PIZZA NIGHT numbers, not SEX numbers. But if they WERE sex numbers, I still would feel perfectly free to complain EVEN IF other people would want what I don't like. _I_ would love to have a partner who only wanted pizza once a week, but you will never hear me say that people who have a once-a-week partner can't complain because _I_ want that.
ReplyDeleteGEEZUS, you anonymous people are NEVER HAPPY. I could say "I love kittens!" and you'd give me crap.
FURTHERMORE, hang on to your britches because I intend to do LOTS MORE COMPLAINING about things other people would love to have as problems. I'm going to complain about my children EVEN THOUGH lots of people would kill to have children. I'm going to complain when something expensive goes wrong with my house, EVEN THOUGH lots of people would kill to have a house. I'm going to complain about my mother EVEN THOUGH lots of people would do ANYTHING to have their mothers alive. I'm going to complain about my husband EVEN THOUGH lots of people would kill to be married or would do anything to have a dead husband back. And I'm going to complain about STUPID MEAN HORRIBLE comments, EVEN THOUGH lots of people would kill to have stupid mean horrible comments. OH WAIT. (And also, what's with all these awful people going around killing people in order to get what they want? Is that the example I'm supposed to follow?)
ReplyDeleteI plan to complain about ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING that makes me feel bad, and I DO HOPE that after I untie you from your chair and unsnap your neck brace and unprop the toothpicks keeping your eyelids open, you will FEEL FREE to go read blogs that ONLY say negative things about situations that EVERYONE IN THE WORLD agrees UNANIMOUSLY are negative situations.
C1 - You just moved up ten notches on my hero list and I didn't think that was possible.
ReplyDelete"And I'm going to complain about STUPID MEAN HORRIBLE comments, EVEN THOUGH lots of people would kill to have stupid mean horrible comments. OH WAIT."
ReplyDeleteLaughing until I cry. (Is there an acroynym for that? LUIC?)