[This is a post by a "guest Constance": someone who doesn't want her own pink apartment but just wants to do a one-time post. If you'd like to do a guest-Constance post, email it to me: constancethefirst at gmail dot com.]
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I have an ache in my heart and a knot in my stomach ever since he told me. He told me he was really drunk. He told me that he didn’t mean for it to happen. He told me he didn’t realize that it was happening at first. He told me he stopped her when he realized what she was doing.
I want to believe him when he says that he is sorry. I want to believe that he won’t do something so stupid again. I think I do believe him. I’m just not sure how to get over being betrayed. I’m not sure how to get this horrible visual out of my head. I’m not sure how to stop thinking about him cheating every day all day long.
I wonder if you met me would you know I feel broken. I feel like I’m going through the motions. I can’t tell anyone why I want to curl up on the couch and cry. Life doesn’t stop. I still have to try to be a good mother, daughter and wife. The wife part probably is going to get neglected for a while.
I wrote because I needed to vent. I also wrote because I want advice. If you have been through anything like this, how did you forgive and move on?
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how such a betrayal feels.
ReplyDeleteOnly you can know in your heart whether you think this truly was an isolated stupid slip or something more. I don't think that one incident necessarily equals divorce but it's a hard road. He has to earn back your trust and you have to eventually decide to forgive him if you are going to move on. And I would definitely get to couples counseling ASAP if you do decide to try to work it out.
Best of luck. Here's a virtual hug.
All I can say is it takes time. It's not going to go away any time soon, unfortunately. It's been three years for me since a "situation" and I still randomly get that picture in my head sometimes and the weight on my heart is the same as the moment I first saw it. Things will never be the same. Oh our marriage is great, we are probably in some aspects better off for it. But it still hurts my heart.
ReplyDeleteI think if you believe him and you believe that he honestly never wants to hurt you again, you need to talk, talk, talk. Talk until he gets it. Not to dwell on it or use it against him or to make him feel more guilt, but to try and get him to really understand how it made you feel. To help you understand how you feel. How it makes you feel on a daily basis still.
I know it doesn't really help, but I know exactly what you're saying when you wrote that you feel broken- going through the motions with your mind completely somewhere else, but somewhere else that you can't talk about with anyone else.
Take some time for yourself to go ahead and curl up and cry. After the kids are in bed curl up and cry... with him if you can do it. Just cry.
I wish I could say more to help. I wish I could erase that from your head and your heart for you. It's one of the worst places I've been. I wish you peace in your healing and all the best for your marriage.
Get counseling. Seriously. Even if he won't go, go yourself. I didn't. We didn't. I wish we had. It's been three years and there are still moments when I feel sick knowing they still work together and I wonder how much I should and could trust him. It did, however, make us take serious stock of our marriage and try to improve things, which we did. But it lingers. I'm sure some day it will go away completely.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs.
If he was really too drunk to know what was going on, he should have been too drunk to perform. What you should do next really depends on too many things for any of us to give you advice. Things like has this happened before? How did you find out? Was it with someone that he works with or sees regularly?
ReplyDeleteIf he indeed did stop her and then told you what happened as soonas he could, those are indications that he is being honest with you.
Maybe he shouldn't be drinking unless he is out with you. This will allow him to have more control over himself and keep this kind of thing from happening again.
What happens next really, in large part, depends on what you want for yourself from this point on.
I wrote a lot about the almost-breakup of my marriage starting back around January on my blog - http://kimmothy9432.blogspot.com/search/label/Marriage
ReplyDeleteAll I know is that each and every situation like this is different and your reactions, while normal, can change at the drop of a hat. Don't let anyone you may confide in to tell you how to feel or what to do - if I learned anything from the experience, NO ONE knows what it's like to be in any given situation unless they've been in it themselves. Many people couldn't believe my husband and I got back together after all we went through. Now, seven years later, our relationship is the strongest its ever been. And not to put down the benefits of therapy, but we were able to work through it without any professional help - so it's not necessarily for everyone.
I'm sending you lots of good thoughts and sympathy - believe it or not you will eventually get your life back and this will all be a distant, slightly unpleasant memory. I promise.
I'm so sorry for your pain. My husband left me when I was 7 months pregnant for a co-worker he had met two months prior, so I completely and totally get it - the images, are hard to stop. And it's going to take time until they stop. Time and a great amount of will on your part to imagine a big, red stop sign in your head every time they come up.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really have to make a choice of whether or not to stay or go because my then husband made it for me.
I am no longer a trusting person.
I think you need to listen to your gut.
I think it does make a difference if it's a long-term affair or a one-night thing, and I think it makes a difference if he's going to be in contact with this person on a daily or frequent basis (ie working together). But only you know if you can get through it and get past it; nobody can make that decision for you.
I would suggest counseling for yourself and then also together, if you want to work on it. If you don't want to stay in the marriage, I would still suggest counseling for yourself because you are going through a whirlwind of emotions and it might help to talk to someone.
I truly feel your pain and I want to wish you strength.
UGH, this is SO hard...I just went through this six months ago..you can read about it here, if you would like:
ReplyDeletehttp://fineopinion.blogspot.com/2008/11/make-it-or-break-it.html
The only other thing I can reccommend is marriage counseling.