Last week I posted on my regular blog about how it still pissed me off to think of how, more than a dozen years ago, my ex-husband had our marriage annulled by the Catholic Church (we were neither of us Catholic, nor had we married in the Catholic Church). I don't think about it very often, but when I DO think about it, it makes me really mad. I'm mad that he did that, and I'm also mad because I wrote many letters to the church telling them how violently opposed I was to having my marriage annulled, and they did it anyway.
An anonymous commenter then left a comment on a post I wrote here about second-guessing reactions while on medication, saying that I needed therapy because "Most people don't dwell on things that happened 10+ years ago and still feel angry about it."
In my experience, most people DO. I don't mean that it's normal to obsess over something or think about it all the time, but among my friends and relations it's pretty common for someone to still feel emotions if they think about a bad high school break-up, or about a partner who cheated on them, or about a friendship that ended badly---even if it's been a decade.
So now I'm curious: How about you? Don't try to GUESS if you don't know, but if you had something really upsetting/angering happen to you about ten years ago (a break-up, a death in the family, someone cheating on you, a big confrontational fight, someone screwing you over), do you still feel emotions about it now if you think about it? I'll put a poll over to the right, too, so we can collect some data along with the anecdotes.
Poll results for the question "If you think about something bad that happened 10 or more years ago, can you still feel emotions related to that experience?":
106 votes total
97 votes (roughly 92%) said yes
9 votes (roughly 8%) said no
Some things still make my stomach all queesy and my fists clench. Boy do I hope that's normal.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a dweller but then again, nothing really significant worth dwelling on has ever happened, so I'm not entirely sure.
ReplyDeleteI'd think not though because I tend to deal with my things and move on, and am usually too busy/tired to care after a certain period of time. I feel like it saps too much of my already-depleted energy to fret.
So in short, I don't really know but not likely.
However, I think something like your specific case is anger-inducing, 10 minutes or 10 years later.
Listen, I am about as laid-back as they come, and I can think of AT LEAST two things that I still regularly stew over, 9 or more years later. I think you are right that MOST PEOPLE do.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, the anecdote that I left on your original post, about the boyfriend who STILL OWES ME $300 THAT SHADY MOTHERFUCKER, happened almost exactly 12 years ago.
Jeez, what a special person that they can just let things go like that and be so serene (yet so judgmental)!!
ReplyDeleteI commented over there about something funny I still dwell on, but the serious stuff? On a bad day can cause me to have a physical reaction if I think about the event too much.
I guess I need therapy too - maybe we can all get a group discount.
Umm yeah, I still dwell on things that happened eons ago. It's normal, but I am also called high strung :)
ReplyDeleteI don't dwell too much but there are definitely things that still honk me when I think about them years later. Two items in particular come to mind:
ReplyDelete-Boyfriend in high school kissed another chick, I was upset and confided in friend, girl got up in my face and wanted to beat me up for "talking behind her back"... uh, ok. YOU kissed MY boyfriend, you're the not-good person around here.
-And my uncle has been dead for like 4 years but it still bugs that he wouldn't speak to my dad over some stupid idiotic dispute 15 years prior.
I totally do exactly what you do. It's not like those things rule my life or anything, but when I think about them, I feel the same emotions I did back then. I don't think there's anything odd about that at all.
ReplyDeleteI do think you are justified in your dwelling. That would piss me the hell off. My grandfather tried for years to get the catholic church to give him an annulment because his 1st wife cheated, and they refused. But they just up and give you one without your asking?? That is MADNESS!
ReplyDeleteWell, I personally am not a dweller. This is by choice. If I allowed myself to think about certain things regardless of how long ago they occurred, I would be a huge wreck all the time. (You may recall a certain guest post wherein certain past issues were brought to the surface because of current events. Said guest did not deal well at all. She may have been close to hysteria on a daily basis.) I choose to let most things go. They are over. They are done. I can not change the past. (Well, aren’t I ZEN or something?)
Hub though. Hub has a list of things that he thinks about on a daily basis. Seriously. Like how when he used to have to put himself on the bus in the morning (WHEN HE WAS 6!!) because his mom had left for work, and he felt bad because she worked so hard and made sure he had a hot breakfast in the morning, but he refused to eat it. Or how I lied to him about whether or not I had a very drunken weekend (I did) right after we moved in together, 11 years ago. This is how he deals.
I think either way is normal. And also a little bit fucked up.
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ReplyDeletePerfect case in point--
ReplyDeleteMy high school boyfriend cheated on me in 1992 (gulp). We've been broken up for years and he died in a car accident in 1995.
My best friend recently confessed that she will not "befriend" the girl with whom he cheated on Facebook out of loyalty to me. I laughed, but when I got on another best friend's page to wish her happy birthday and saw that harlot's face staring back at me. . .it made me angry. Very angry.
I totally feel emotions about things that happened in the past... As far as I know everyone has a few things that happened in the past and still anger/annoy/frustrate them
ReplyDeleteGee, those anonymous commenters know everything! ha!
ReplyDeleteI still dwell over something my FIL "scolded" me for over MANY years ago. I think it's totally normal. I still feel bad for my 1st HS bf, and the way I broke up with him and he's married with 3 kids!
I'm another dweller. My "favorite" scene to torture myself with? The time I fell out of the car upon arriving at my homecoming dance in the 10th grade. That would have been about 15 years ago.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I tend to fret about/dwell on things that I did that I wish I could undo. I hardly ever dwell on things that were done to me.
I don't dwell per se, but if I happen to think of something that happened a long time ago, yes, I still feel emotion about the event. And I think that's what you were getting at. Not that you sit around thinking about things that happened 10+ years ago, but that when they are called to mind (by yourself or by circumstances), you still feel emotions about them. BUT, I DO TOTALLY stew about current things. Confrontation at work? Will stew for a week, thinking of things I should have said and teasing out more and more reasons why I'm upset (and why I'm right!).
ReplyDeleteOh my holy goodness YES! People are not goldfish with a 3 second memory span. We DO stay mad or sad or embarrassed. Don't let anyone tell you different.
ReplyDeleteHaving been in therapy (for, like, EVER), I can tell you that it doesn't always free us from dwelling. I think if you are a dweller, you are a dweller. Perhaps therapy can give you more insight into WHY you dwell (blame mom) and HOW to minimize dwelling (uh..... drink? chocolate? 80's John Hughes movie?) but no matter how much therapy I've had, I'm not sure I will EVER get over how my first high school boyfriend had the NERVE to tell me I was frigid because.... well, because HE SUCKED. PERIOD. THE END. (dwell, dwell, dwell)
ReplyDeleteHeck yeah, I stew and fret about things forever. The way I dumped my first boyfriend when I was 15 will still keep me up at night. Oh crud, of course I had to go remembering it again!
ReplyDeleteI've been married for almost ten years and I"m still mad that my mother-in-law requested a family picture with my father-in-law, their three other sons and my brand new husband WITHOUT ME. My family didn't do this and I thought it was really tacky and it was MY WEDDING DAY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! She's done it half a dozen more times since then so the wound gets reopened every so often. But yes, there are definitely things ten years old (or more. or less.) that I still think about and the emotions still come back pretty strong. So no, I don't think you're weird and this annullment situation is completely preposterous considering yours and your ex's non-Catholic status and that you were not married in the Catholic church. You should be angry. I'm angry for you and have been since you first posted about it!
ReplyDeleteIf I let my mind wander into one or two past really uncomfortable situations, I can even get queasy again, and I'm not crazy at all!
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about how you handled the commenter. I've just started blogging and had a few weird comments I'm not sure how to deal with.
Yes I have a bunch of things that can still make me angry, or rather that I'm still upset about (not all of these things are anger) and yes they still evoke some strong emotions either way. And like you said, not that I deliberately sit around thinking about them!
ReplyDeleteBut I was recounting one such story and got into an argument with your anonymous poster's little butt buddy, who pretty much said the same thing, and insisted that I was not "over it" since it still upset me, and how much of a loser I was to still let something like that bother me. I couldn't explain how I was over it and yet it still bothered me on some level, but eventually decided he wasn't even worth my time because he was too cold and unfeeling in my book. Stupid stuff like this is what makes us human! When other people tell me they have things that still bother them, I feel closer to them in a way, like they are just like me and more normal I guess.
Are you ready for this? My ex roomate and I hated each other before I finally moved back home to get away from her. She called the cops and told them when I moved out I took all of her clothes. She then described almost every single thing in my wardrobe and said it was hers. The cops came to my dads house where I was living and TOOK ALL OF MY CLOTHES. Because she had given them a detailed description of colors, brands and sizes and said they were hers.
ReplyDeleteThe cops told me I could either hand over the clothes or go to jail that night for theft. I had no proof they were mine and it was her word against mine.
That was 14 years ago and I still want to kick her ass!! I still think about it and get so angry about it!
Are you ready for this? My ex roomate and I hated each other before I finally moved back home to get away from her. She called the cops and told them when I moved out I took all of her clothes. She then described almost every single thing in my wardrobe and said it was hers. The cops came to my dads house where I was living and TOOK ALL OF MY CLOTHES. Because she had given them a detailed description of colors, brands and sizes and said they were hers.
ReplyDeleteThe cops told me I could either hand over the clothes or go to jail that night for theft. I had no proof they were mine and it was her word against mine.
That was 14 years ago and I still want to kick her ass!! I still think about it and get so angry about it!
A little over ten years ago, maybe 11 years? I was in college, had been dating this guy, things were semi-serious and he just randomly dropped off the face of the earth. Wouldn't call me, wouldn't return an email message. Even though I'm happily married with two kids I still wonder what the hell happened there. I also wonder what happened to him - I know he didn't actually fall off the face of the earth, so what is he doing now?
ReplyDeleteAlso:
A few years ago a cousin's girlfriend made a comment that I know I will NEVER stop feeling badly about, no matter how much time passes.
I don't dwell on these things all the time, every day, but if something reminds me about them or other incidents, whoosh I'm right back in the middle of those emotions.
Two things -
ReplyDeleteSomething like my grandmother's death, which I took very hard at the time, is different for me now because instead of thinking of time I will miss with her I think of the fact that she led a very long and fulfilling life and so I'm more at peace with that then I was so many years ago.
But then . . . my "friend" in high school and for a short while after was full of so many under-handed comments and attempts to cruelly get between me and my boyfriend (my husband now) that she is still a sore subject in our house to this day. And our marriage has endured things FAR FAR worse, but oh, my blood just boils thinking about her. I don't think I'll ever feel at peace about her.
I'm just glad I'm not the only one. I think about what I would say if I saw an ex-boyfriend, or burn with shame over some stupid thing I did/said back then.
ReplyDeleteNow I am angry at Melissa's roommate on her behalf!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I totally dwell on stuff. I still get mad every time I think about a girl in college who pissed me off. And that was around 1995ish.
I'm sure there are several incidents that could still fire me up now, but none come to mind, so I guess I DON'T get seethey over things from the past.
ReplyDeleteCase in point: An ex friend/former business partner stole almost 20K from me.
For the sake of this data collection, I mulled over that major betrayal for a while to see how I feel about it today.
And....it annoys me, but probably no more than a persistent mosquito would.
I mean, he screwed with me to the tune of twenty thousand dollars THEN, so I'm not going to let him keep screwing with me NOW, you know?
when i blogged about my evil ex-husband dying of AIDS, i felt ALL of it... every bit ... like it was yesterday.
ReplyDeleteeven though it was more than 10 years ago.
i'm still angry.
YES.
ReplyDeleteAnd just because SOME of us do this, but not ALL of us, doesn't make it an illness. Although if medication helps YOU feel better, makes those emotions dimmer, than I think you shouldn't feel at all badly about taking them.
There are at least 3 things that happened years ago that I STEW over, with ANGER as the primary emotion. And there are similarly TOO MANY TO COUNT instances that I stew over with humiliation/ embarrassment as the primary emotion.
I'm not by nature a dweller, but certain events? If I start re-telling the story, I will get angry. Or teary. Or whatever.
ReplyDeleteMy best example of something that REALLY DOESN'T MATTER but still pisses me off? The fact that they changed the criteria for "Outstanding Senior" my senior year of high school without telling anybody so that it no longer reflected the top academic kids but the kids who . . . umm, I don't know, were involved in a lot of activities? So I (and my friends) who had expected to be "Outstanding Seniors" because we were VALEDICTORIAN (for example) were not, apparently Outstanding. And the head cheerleader WAS. When some of us commented angrily to those who made this decision we were told that "we" got "lots of recognition already."
Yeah. Still mad. OVER A YEARBOOK PAGE FROM 17! YEARS AGO.
Oddly, there are other things, that don't raise emotions anymore. Like the Christmas when it was agreed that dinner would be at my MIL's house but "dessert" would be at mine and my MIL pulled out a STORE-BOUGHT cheesecake after dinner and gave me a sheepish grin and said, "we always have this at Chrismas."
I do. Sometimes I wish I could wipe out whole episodes of my past, because while I don't think about them often, when I do I still feel sick.
ReplyDeleteWell, I AM in therapy and have taken anti-depressants, so maybe your intolerant commenter has a point...just kidding.
ReplyDeleteI totally do that thing you do. I spend a lot of mental bandwidth on the following:
A relationship and bad breakup (17 years ago)
My parent's crappy parenting skills (17-20 years ago)
A guy I never dated but we were friends sometimes and I think that if we had dated, my life would be really different, like maybe I might have married him. (18-20 years ago)
And I still get pissy/sad/fretful about these things. So your commenter can just SHUT IT. Maybe nothing BIG ever happened to her and she's just bitter about that. Never can tell with people.
Whatever! If you're still not bothered by certain things in the past you have the emotional depth of a grapenut. And maybe should be in therapy.
ReplyDelete10 years. 50 years. Doesn't matter. Somethings will be bothersome forevah.
Most Definitely!
ReplyDeleteI had a miscarriage about 10 years ago, and it still makes me cry when I really think about it.
Also, I have a difficult relationship with my MIL. She pulled a particularly cruel stunt 3 days before my wedding. I have been married for over 11 1/2 years, and it still makes me LIVID!!!
Yeah. I'm with the "I do that too" crowd. Isn't it human nature for memories to have feelings attached?
ReplyDeleteGeez, did your ex-husband leave that comment? Because I don't like the whole "I'm going to take something personal that you talked about and try to throw it back in your face to make you feel worse" kind of vibe. I hope that's not how it was intended. Bah!
20 years ago, there was a nasty accident that killed 5 young girls in my town. That still bothers me. I hear the song they played of one of them singing (which is not very often because we are talking about a song from 1987-1988) and it can make me cry still. I googled the accident not that long ago, and there was an archived news article from the week after it happened. One of the girls was my babysitters daughter. They were 12-14 years old at the time of their deaths. It was heartbreaking tragedy for our town -- especially since one of their mothers watched it happen out her front window. Some of their friends witnessed it first hand. There had been a bomb threat that day and it indirectly took their lives. They were killed by a highschool student driving himself and his sister to the gradeschool to pick up her belongings. Tragic, sad and horrific. Obviously, it still bothers me and I will never forget it.
ReplyDeleteI have been working on releasing my regrets and the angers from past hurts. I'm sure I'll never get that 100% right, but I have been working on it.
I'm still angry about being raped at 15, but I talk about it and try to heal myself that way. I'm still angry about the male babysitter who attempted to rape me when I was 13, but I talk about that too.
I think it's normal to have emotions attached to things that happened a long time ago. Because there are some things, that just never leave you. And that's just how life is and that's how we build on new experiences. And you know what, it's all perfectly okay. :)
Okay, so I definitely remember stewing in the past, but I think I've gotten over it, because I don't stew now, and I can't think of anything stew-worthy that's happened in MY life. I'm not sure why, because I could totally be the stew-a lot-type. And I definitely see why you would stew over the annulment issue, that is RIDICULOUS.
ReplyDeleteSure, I used to be angry that an ex-fiance broke the engagement 7 times and then finally left me for another girl while I was still wearing his ring.
ReplyDeleteBut am I still furious? No. Am I still WAY MAD about that? No. If he had married me, divorced me, and then annulled the marriage, I would not care either way. Whatevs, you were already divorced. To still be angry about it shows you have issues that need to be worked through. That's just my opinion, though, and I have the balls to show my name rather than be anonymous.
I like how only anonymous comments are only ever not sycophants... it's interesting.
And sure, I used to be angry that an ex decided to be a woman, but a lesbian woman. Decided to cut his penis off and wanted me to be ok with it. So he went off with other girls, still with a penis (that he didn't actually cut off, but made it clear when he was with me that he really hated his penis), and then decided he was really a man, not a woman. I used to be angry about that, because it was obvious he used his "oh I'm a woman" as a pretext to initiate a breakup with me that he wouldn't have had the balls to initiate otherwise. But I'm not angry anymore. I don't feel those same feelings anymore. Because it's his life.
Sure, I used to be angry that an ex cheated on me. I was angry that he lied about it and strung me along for months, and that I had to find out by walking in on them. But I'm not angry about that anymore. He obviously wasn't worth my time, and I've since learned to trust again and I learned the warning signs so I've been able to get myself out of situations like that immediately. I was angry, I felt betrayed, but I'm not angry anymore. It's his life, he can do what he wants. I can simply choose not to be part of it.
I've had a lot of therapy myself to deal with the grief my father caused with his abusive behavior to myself and my siblings, and I'm not angry about THAT anymore either. I'm actually becoming friends with my father. Because I realize that no matter what he did to impact my life negatively, I am still in control of my life and his anger no longer affects me. I can't control what he did or didn't do, but I can control what I do and what I let affect me.
Holding on to anger is very unhealthy, and holding on to feelings we have about things we cannot change is even worse.
I'm sure the anonymous commenter was just trying to help... you seem to be spinning out right now, especially in dealing with things you cannot change, and in my experience, a little therapy can go a long way.
...And so can a little sermon. Ahem.
ReplyDeleteI am still angry that my ex's parents tried many many times to convince him to break up with me based on the fact that I wasn't a member of Teens for Christ and that they thought my friends and I were wild (this because we sometimes rolled our uniform skirts above our knees and because we sat in the balcony at church instead of in the front five rows with the other youth group kids...) They eventually, passively caused our breakup.
This was six, seven years ago, so not quite ten, but so much has changed in my life since then that it feels like a lifetime. But yeah, if I think about it for more than a minute, I can feel my blood boiling at the unfairness of it all. This is why I DO try not to think about it. But sometimes late at night when you can't sleep and the house is silent, those things just jump into your head! It takes every trick in my bag to beat them back.
I do mostly agree with the above commenter, snarkiness aside. And I have no doubt that therapy is often helpful. But I do no believe in magic cures for things like anger, especially if you're a person who's PRONE to anger. I think you just have to forgive and forgive and forgive, over and over again, if only to free YOURSELF.
And thus ends MY sermon. ;)
I wanted to vote yes on your poll not once, but A THOUSAND TIMES, because yes, I totally feel the emotions of Big Things almost as intensely as when they happened, however many years ago. I can think of many examples of this, and most have to do with friends/ex-boyfriends and betrayals. I would 100% feel exactly the same as you do in your case.
ReplyDeleteYes. Some major big things just don't go away entirely, or have lasting effects. I try not to dwell on it, but sure as hell can get mad all over again if I start thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteThere are moments in my past that I still literally CRINGE about when I think of them.
ReplyDeleteLike a literal CRINGE.
On the other hand, if everyone who had that got THERAPY...my office would be OVERFLOWING.
Think of the waiting list!!
i can still remember in great detail the things that happened ten years ago. i am still very angry about some of them and i still miss some parts very very much.
ReplyDeletejust as you can still feel happiness and love from the past, you ought to still feel anger and sadness. it is the nature of emotion.
in any case, i am with you, and whether or not you need therapy is up to you, but i think that your past is part of what makes you who you are, and feeling strongly about what has happened is totally legitimate.