The way Mike eats M&Ms (he SUCKS each one into his mouth like a vacuum cleaner so they click against his teeth, then chews with his mouth open: WHOOOF-click-chomp-chomp, WHOOF-click-chomp-smack) makes me afraid/hope he'll choke on one.
He's sick. Or quite possibly "sick." When I see him lying under the covers like a hibernating bear, his mouth flopped open to demonstrate how very sick he is, asking me in a weak, possibly dying voice if he can have another blanket, it makes me feel so much anger, I have to be extra solicitous with the blanket to do penance for the feelings.
I'm so sad and so angry about the "no more children" thing, I can hardly look at him. He seems to think that just because I've stopped talking about it, it means we're past it. I'm not. I don't know how long I'll feel this way, but I feel intensely about it. I feel like it's shoved me into a mid-life crisis: who am I? who are we? what are we doing here? what is next? what is left? what's the point? what is my second choice if I can't have my first choice? I feel post-menopausal. He says, "What's wrong?" like he's forgotten all about it, or thinks it's something small like one of us wanting a blue couch and one of us wanting a green one.
You could always just tell him that the decision to stop having children has you wondering about how you define your life. It's always easier for the person who made the decision to have it built into their framework, and you need time to figure out how it fits into yours. Good luck with this, it is important, and I hope you can find the meaning you are searching for.
ReplyDeleteI snorted at the "think/hope" :)
ReplyDeleteI think the kid thing is why I hate my husband lately and have no patience with him. Hopefully it gets better before I divorce him because I'm sure he'll be a pain in the ass about custody (I'm not trying to make this about me.. just amuse you.. probably failing at that ;) )
Jessica- That's a really good idea. I've been trying to think of a way to let him know what's going on (like, keep communicating rather than shutting him out just because I'm so mad/upset), but I didn't want to make him think I was bringing it up again or trying to push him to change his mind. Your idea sounds exactly right.
ReplyDeleteJen- Ha ha! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.
I agree with Jessica, too. It is going to take a while, right?
ReplyDeleteIt's not like you can just magically change your mind and your plans, even while respecting his thoughts/decisions. It's a big adjustment. Just as big as if there WAS another child that he didn't elect to have. Does that make sense? Just because it's the negative, doesn't make it less difficult for (you) the let-down party to adjust to the transition.
p.s. my sympathies on the "sick" husband. ANY time my husband is sick, I just want to stick forks into my own eyeballs...
Husbands are always annoying (at best) when sick and it must be a million times worse when you're still feeling so sad/angry toward/because of him. I hope he is able to understand better and feels better soon - for your sanity!
ReplyDeleteBring it up as many times as you need to in order to sort things out. If he's asking what's wrong, tell him.
ReplyDeleteI went through a tough time when my sister's husband died, and I was sad for months on end, way past my husband's grieving timeframe. He'd ask me every day what was wrong, and it got to the point where I was tired of admitting that I was still sad for my sister... so I'd say "you know, the same stuff." That worked for me.
It sounds like you've got big decisions to make yet, even if it seems like decision A has been made for you already.
I hope you find your happy soon.
**hugs**
Hugs. Marriage is a lot of falling in and out of love and hate. I hope you're in a better place soon.
ReplyDeleteI was pissed at my husband yesterday and then he made some food and started eating loudly and near me.
ReplyDeleteIt was everything I could do not to punch him.
I'm really feeling for you on this baby thing. Probably more than I should be.
That is tough. I'm really sorry. My husband and I are sort of in the opposite position and this gives me some insight into how he's feeling. (Though he does not feel as strongly as you, I think.)
ReplyDeleteI hope you're able to talk to him and figure out a way to make this work for both of you.
I take it you didn't get that puppy for Christmas? ;)
So so tough. I know so many people who are going through similar things right now. My best friend has decided she doesn't want to have children. Her husband wants like ten. heh. They're still "talking" it through. And rightly so, this is huge. When we got married we were thinking big family and after having two, i'm thinking not so much thanks. Hubby wants five (or six. kill me.) and i'm thinking three. maybe. The thing is (for anyway), it's important that neither one of us shut the door to the possibility of the other person's needs. Just because there is no way in hell i'm going to have six (or even five for that matter) children, it's not fair for me to end the discussion because of how I feel. It doesn't seem right to me to ever really "end" a discussion with such a HUGE issue just because one person feels a certain way. Honestly, I don't think you should just be "getting used to it." As far as I'm concerned (and aren't I an integral part of your relationship with your husband?) it's still on the table. At least until both of you can make peace with the decision that's made. I'm just sayin...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, honey. You are going through a grieving process and he's being a baby about HIS needs. Husbands! Bah!
ReplyDeleteIf he's totally 100% not going to budge on the baby issue ... may I recommend getting a kitten? I know it's not the same, but something soft and tiny and needy to occupy you might help a little.
It's so annoying how men compartmentalize their lives and expect us to go along with it. He's all, "Okay that's decided and now she should just get over it." Or worse, that he doesn't even GET that you're grieving about it.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of explaining that you're trying how to redefine your role in life. It sounds like that's true. Maybe explain that it's like he suddenly got laid off with no hope of getting that job again? He'd have to think of himself in a different way, and it couldn't be done overnight.